Heather Cofer

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Five Lessons I’ve Learned from My Parents

23 Jul
There’s no one who can make my mom laugh as hard as my dad can.
Photo by Living Reflection Photography

This week my parents are celebrating their 33rd anniversary.

But this year, they aren’t able to celebrate together. My mom is back in CO helping my sister get ready for her wedding, and my dad is holding down the fort in their SE Asia home. And, due to all the restrictions with international travel, they’re not actually sure when they’ll see each other next. So it goes without saying, this is a unique and difficult season that they are walking through right now. Yet, it’s just another way they have demonstrated sacrificial love and service during their marriage that I have had the privilege of witnessing for 28 of those 33 years. 

I’m dedicating this blog post to sharing five lessons I’ve learned from my parents’ marriage. These lessons have been an incredible gift to me (especially in my own marriage), as I know they have been to many others as well. And now, I want to share these lesson-gifts with you, too.

1. Obedience to God is Always Worth It

My parents have demonstrated both individually and as a couple that obedience to God is a beautiful and joyful thing. There are so many examples of this, I hardly know where to start: loving unconditionally, serving faithfully, forgiving wholeheartedly, showing hospitality, embracing biblical family, moving half-way across the world… and the list goes on. They have shown that no matter what God asks of us, even if the cost is great, the reward of obedience is greater still. And I know much of that is yet to be realized when we reach eternity, but I have seen so much fruit come from their willingness to obey God and trust Him with the outcome. 

I’ll share one example that I think about almost daily. When they were first planning to move to Mongolia, lots of people voiced concerns about the fact that there was very little access to good medical care available there. “What if your children get hurt or sick?” This was certainly something they wrestled over. But when it came down to it this was (in essence) the answer they gave. “If God has called us to this place, this will be the best place for our children to be, too. He can be trusted with their lives.” We learned from a young age that God is trustworthy. And we also learned that for a parent to love Him above all else – even their kids – is the very best thing they can do for their children. 

They’ve done an amazing job of allowing obedience to God, both theirs and other’s, to be defined by Scripture. I’ve been asked if I feel pressure to have as many kids as they had or to go overseas because that’s what my parents have done, and the answer is a resounding ‘no.’ They know and have always encouraged us that as long as we are loving God with all our hearts, loving others, and serious about practicing those other principles that are commanded in Scripture, the ways those can be lived out will be varied from person to person. We have their blessing to joyfully obey God wherever He puts us and in whatever He’s asking of us.

2. Love is Fueled by Commitment 

Just as in any marriage, my parents have faced challenges and had to overcome relational hurdles with one another. They’ve walked through many kinds of storms that have the potential to break apart a marriage. But both of them have demonstrated that they are staunchly committed to one another by God’s grace, and that that commitment has cultivated greater and greater love for one another. When commitment is the foundation of love, there is safety to work through conflict, to be vulnerable, and to be sanctified without fear of rejection.

My parents have shown me that when two people are committed to loving one another out of obedience to the Lord, their love grows more precious with time. Because both of them have been more concerned that they personally are doing the right thing before God, they have been blessed and strengthened to become a picture of what He can do with two people who simply desire to obey Him. 

3. God-defined Roles are Good

We live in a world where biblical husband/wife roles are frowned upon and even rejected altogether. This mindset is, sadly, finding its way into the church in some places, too. However, when someone has witnessed a beautiful example of a husband and wife embracing those God-given roles (as I have), it’s not so easy to reject the idea that there is something better than what the world has to offer.

My dad has led my mom and our family with strength, humility, love, and integrity. My mom has embraced her role as my dad’s helper with joy, wisdom, grace, and vision. God has used them in incredible ways to serve and encourage others in His name because of their willingness to function as a biblical husband/wife team. There is no domineering. There is love and respect on both sides. There is a willingness to change and listen. Because their goal is to love God individually and together, it keeps their “mission” as a couple clear and strong: to bring glory to God.

Their example has shown me that God’s way is always the best way, even when the world is screaming otherwise. 

4. Service Brings Joy 

My parents have been the epitome of a couple that pours themselves out to love and serve others. In a world that says “think of yourself first,” my parents have instead embraced God’s command to “count others more significant than yourselves” (Philippians 2:3). There is so much blessing that has come from this it’s impossible to recount it all. 

I’ll share one story in this vein that still profoundly affects my life every day. About 1.5 years after Judah’s family moved to Mongolia, one of his brothers was in a very serious horse accident and had to be evacuated from the country. We didn’t know their family very well at the time, but my parents offered to care for the three other kids while his parents went with his injured brother. Judah and his two younger siblings lived with us for about a month before going to join their parents and brother, which was plenty of time for our hearts to be deeply knit together with their family (years before anything happened between Judah and I). 

That is just one of the many examples of ready and willing service my parents have had toward many, many people. They’ve shown me that serving others in Jesus’s name brings joy and blessing. They’ve demonstrated that any inconvenience service might bring is far outweighed by the privilege of being the hands and feet of Christ to others. 

5. Keep Your Eyes on Jesus

My parents have modeled and taught us that keeping our eyes on Jesus is the most important thing we can do in this life. They’ve reminded us by their lips and lives that this earth is not our ultimate home, and that Christ is our ultimate prize. They place priority on seeking God, and began encouraging us to do the same from a very young age. They helped us learn how to make decisions through the lens of God’s Word rather than the world. By their example, I learned that when God is at the center of life and worldview, our purpose becomes so much clearer. And, that when the path ahead is not perfectly outlined, there is rest in Christ – that even when we don’t understand what God is doing, He is perfectly trustworthy and will never lead us astray.

My dad is pretty outspoken about that fact that he doesn’t like the phrase, “Some people are so heavenly-minded that they’re no earthly good.” He would give us examples of how the people who have most impacted this world for good are the ones who’ve had their gaze fixed most firmly on heaven – on Christ. And his and my mom’s lives are a beautiful demonstration of that, too. 


There are thousands of other things I’ve learned from my parents, but I hope this gives you a glimpse into the essence of their lives.

Dad and Mom, I am so grateful for you. Thank you for committing your marriage (and all of your lives) to glorifying Jesus Christ. Happy Anniversary; I love you dearly.

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Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. Dad says

    July 23, 2020 at 11:25 am

    Thanks so much Heather. This is a very, very special post, and I’m so grateful to God that you seen these things in us.
    I’m sure that if you had a more space to write, you would have included a few of the more obvious “headings”….such as “Kick Some Butt”, and “What the Sam Hill”. Maybe you can put those in the next post 🙂
    I love you Heather!
    Dad

    Reply
    • Heather says

      July 23, 2020 at 1:53 pm

      I love you, Dad! This is just a small way I can show my gratitude for you and mom. Miss you!

      Reply
    • Heather says

      July 26, 2020 at 5:37 am

      For some reason I couldn’t see the whole comment, but I just now read it! Haha, I’m sure I would’ve included those if I’d had the space.

      Reply
  2. Pat Simpson says

    August 17, 2020 at 11:22 pm

    Having known your parents since before they were married….I can attest to everything you’ve said about them. They share a special place in my heart. They really have “walked the talk” their whole lives. May God continue to be intimately involved in their life!

    Reply
    • Heather says

      September 14, 2020 at 7:59 pm

      How special that you’ve been able to witness their lives for so long! This is a precious testimony. Thank you for sharing!

      Reply

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My middle-little sister, Holly, has spent the past My middle-little sister, Holly, has spent the past 6+ months in our house fam. There’s a 7 year age difference between us, so when I got married she was just entering her teen years. She lived across the world from me for a good part of the next decade, so when she decided to move up our way for a while I was thrilled. Spending hours of up-close, in-person time together has been a precious gift. Having siblings that become some of your dearest friends is, I’m discovering, one of the greatest joys of adulthood.

Now she’s off to the next chapter. I know God’s going to continue to use her to bless others in significant ways, just as she’s blessed us—this servant-hearted, joy-filled sister of mine. I’m so grateful for you, @holly_sprenger.
As I watch the happenings in this world I have an As I watch the happenings in this world I have an ever-increasing ache—a yearning—to be known first and foremost by my allegiance to Jesus Christ.

As I read headlines, hot takes, opinions, debates between fellow believers—praying and seeking to learn and discern—I’m more certain than ever that being a Christian frees us from being defined by or confined to earthly labels in our stances on any given issue. We’re free to champion what God champions, to despise what God despises regardless of how it might be viewed by those around us or what political lines it might cross. We’re free to love those who differ from us, and yes, even free to love those who do us wrong. 

I have strong opinions and thoughts about certain issues—no doubt about it. I disagree with certain thoughts or opinions fellow believers hold. But what I want those brothers and sisters to know about me *first* is that I love them, not how I might disagree with them. Yes, there’s a place to discuss, to sharpen one another, to exhort and encourage, to warn and even to rebuke at times when we see fellow believers straying from Christ. But the world is supposed to know us by our love for each other, not our debates and conflicts. This should temper the “what,” “how,” and “when” of every conversation. 

Some of us are called to stand more publicly against certain evils and injustices than others. We should expect the best of those who aren’t doing or saying exactly what we’re doing or saying (*especially* if we’re defining them by their lack of words on social media. There are faithful Christians who will never say a word about current issues online, but are obeying in word and deed in their in-person spheres). That said, this should *never* be used as an excuse to neglect the actions and words that every Christ-follower must be marked by according to Scripture. And when we find ourselves hesitating to obey any of God’s commands due to another allegiance something needs to change.

Lord, may your people be defined not by causes, but by Christ; not by worldly labels, but by you alone.
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#lookingtoJesus #thegospelchangeseverything #Christcenteredwomanhood
I’ve been thinking about my little fuchsia plant I’ve been thinking about my little fuchsia plant the past few days. I snipped and propagated it from a stunning outdoor hanging plant we had a couple years ago after it scorched in the intense CO sun. After weeks of daily watching I finally saw the roots appear, and replanted it. Fuchsia is special to me, because it’s one of the plants that beautified our windowsills in Mongolia throughout our years there. I love having one in our home.

Recently, though, did a little trimming of this plant. I noticed there were a couple of overly flourishing sprigs; they were so long they were keeping the little plant from filling out. So, as much as I hated to do it, I clipped them off. To my delight, brand new leaves began appearing within days all over the plant.

Why has this been on my mind?  Because it reminded me that sometimes—in order for us to flourish—we need to clip back areas in our lives that are zapping growth. It’s often a painful decision, because they’re usually pastimes or vocations we love. But we know in order to direct time and energy toward our God-given priorities we need to do a little clipping of those gangly offshoots. Although we feel bare for a time, it doesn’t take long for the evidence of growth and life to show itself where it was much needed. 

And guess what? Those clipped offshoots are sitting in a jar in the kitchen, waiting to sprout new roots. They aren’t gone forever, just being prepped to produce life rather than zap it. Sometimes branches do need to be clipped and tossed. Other times they just need to be propagated—waiting for new roots to grow so they can grow and flourish at the right time in the right way.

“Every branch in me that does not bear fruit he takes away, and every branch that does bear fruit he prunes, that it may bear more fruit.” John 15:2
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#lookingtoJesus #plants #Christcenteredwomanhood #fuchsia #ponderings #lessonseverywhere
//Well, it’s all an adventure That comes with a //Well, it’s all an adventure
That comes with a breathtaking view
Walking a tightrope
With you//

The incredible @frostedphotographer took some headshots for us, and she said, “Do you want to snap a few together?” Yes, please. 😍😍😍

Forever thankful for the gift of a life adventure with this man.
//Summer and winter and springtime and harvest, Su //Summer and winter and
springtime and harvest,
Sun, moon, and stars in their
courses above,
Join with all nature in 
manifold witness
to Thy great faithfulness,
mercy, and love//
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#greatisthyfaithfulness #lookingtoJesus #springtime
“Being like Jesus” will never contradict the r “Being like Jesus” will never contradict the rest of Scripture.

Several times as of late I’ve read or heard examples of people using stories of Jesus from the gospels to back up an argument about accepting sin of some kind. They say that if His followers are going to be like Him they need to follow His example—His example by their interpretation, that is.

But the narratives told of Jesus in the Gospels will *never* contradict the specific commands Christ-followers are given in the rest of the New Testament. Jesus never justified a sin we’re commanded to repent of. A sinful attitude never laced His words, no matter how matter-of-fact His rebukes were. Jesus is the Word made flesh. He will never go against His character or commands for His people.

We can be hard-line on sin while being gentle and kind. We can show compassion without compromising truth. We can be loving while holding fast to biblical convictions. We can, and we must.

Jesus is the way, the truth, and the life. Changing Him in any way for our own gain—whether that’s for fleshly gratification or out of fear of others—is making a Jesus in our image. This is a Jesus who cannot save. 

But we have a Jesus who *can* save, who needs no re-making. May we, by His grace, be ever-conforming to Him.
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#lookingtoJesus #Christcenteredwomanhood #Christcenteredliving #truth #love #Jesusislife
“Only God Himself fully appreciates the influenc “Only God Himself fully appreciates the influence of a Christian mother in the molding of character in her children.” 
-Billy Graham

I know without a doubt this is true of my mom. This side of heaven I’ll have no idea what depths her godly influence and faithfulness has had upon me as a wife, mom, and woman in any sphere. I will never forget her telling us, “I’m so thankful I get to spend my days with you.” To have the assurance we were loved and enjoyed on top of all she did for our physical needs was a priceless gift. And, as I prepared to enter into adulthood she not only mentored me, but invited me into friendship with her. There aren’t words to sum up that kind of honor.

Happy Mother’s Day, Mom. Thank you for being willing to love and follow Jesus in whatever He’s asked of you. There is nothing greater you could’ve given to us. I love you.
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