Heather Cofer

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Is Bitterness Ever Acceptable for a Christian?

19 Nov


I recently saw a post on social media that halted my scrolling.

Someone had asked another person the question, “How do I keep from being bitter at the church?” 

Her response was this: “What if bitterness is appropriate for a season?“

I briefly glanced at the comments to see what others were saying to see if there was any pushback. The first comment was a gentle challenge, and in reply she used the example of Hannah in the Old Testament, saying she was bitter over not having a child, and that God can handle that. 

Her premise was ultimately that bitterness is appropriate at times, and can be part of the healing process (stated in a follow-up comment).

This post literally kept me up for hours the next night, mulling and mulling over it again. I wrestled with these questions: Is any of it true? Does bitterness have a place in the life of a believer on any level? Does bitterness lead to healing? So finally, in the wee hours of the morning, I got up to do some studying on it.

I am no Bible scholar, but I am extremely passionate about knowing God’s Word and  believing and obeying what it says. I’m also passionate about growing in my understanding according to how God intends it to be understood, not based on my own feelings or subjective opinions. And, I’m passionate about this for others, too.

This particular topic of bitterness hits home for me, because like many (if not all) Christians, I have experienced hurt from other believers, and at times this has led to roots of bitterness that have been harmful to me and others. I have also witnessed other people being eaten up by bitterness with devastating effects as they have continued to cling to it. It has been God’s Word that has freed me from bitterness and brought me into HIs forgiveness and love toward those who I have felt wronged by. So, yes, this hits home. 

I am not normally one to respond publicly to something I read that I don’t agree with, but I believe this topic is important to address.

All that to say, I want to take a look at what the Bible has to say about bitterness and how we as Christians should think about it.

1. There are different kinds of bitterness

As I was looking through Scripture at the word “bitter” or “bitterness” I was struck by how many uses of this word there are, and how it is used differently depending on its context. Sometimes it was used to describe deep grief (Ruth 1:13; 2 Kings 4:27). Other times it was used to describe a really bad experience (Gen 26:35; Ex 1:14; 2 Kings 14:26; Jer 4:18). It is used for literal bitterness of taste (Ex 12:18; Ex 15:23; Prov 27:7). Some uses mean agony of soul (Gen 27:34; Prov. 31:6). Then, there is the most common way we would think of bitterness, which is the feelings we have toward someone else because of something they have done that has caused us hurt (Ps 106:33; 1 Sam 30:6; Job 27:2). This is not an exhaustive list of the uses of bitterness, but it gives a pretty good idea of the fact that it’s used in different ways based on the context of the passage it is used in.

This is immensely important for our understanding of Scripture in general, as well as for our understanding of what kind of bitterness is acceptable and which is not. We cannot lump together the uses of this word and call them all the same, just like we can’t take the word “orange” and say every use of it is the same in every context. We have to look at the way it is used and why it is used, and this needs to be the basis of our interpretation of that word. 

If the bitterness you’re feeling is the bitterness of grief, or the bitterness of a super tough circumstance (or you’ve just tasted some bitter herbs)–like we see throughout Scripture–it’s pretty safe to say the context of those bitternesses is not sinful. However, in this day and age, we almost exclusively use the word “bitterness” (when not referring to taste) in the context of hard feelings toward another person, and this is what the original question about bitterness toward the body of Christ implied. 

It’s clear in Scripture that this kind of bitterness is not ok. And this is what I’ll get into in my next point.

2. Descriptive vs. Prescriptive

There are places in Scripture that are telling stories (descriptive), but they are not giving us direct instruction to do the events they are describing. Then, there are other places in Scripture that are commands we are to follow as believers (prescriptive). We cannot use a story to justify something like bitterness especially when there are clear commands against it in other places in the Bible.

I believe this is where the main issue lies with the post I mentioned. She was justifying bitterness in the church based off of a story in the Old Testament. But that story was not an instruction to us that we can be bitter (also, I looked up that specific story, and the word she used was “troubled”, which is a different word in the original Hebrew than where “bitter” is used). This was only telling about something that happened. You do not see anywhere in this context that God was saying bitterness toward someone else was actually ok. 

But! We most certainly do have instructions in the New Testament specifically for believers not to allow bitterness to come in toward one another.

“Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.” Ephesians 4:31:32

“See to it that no one fails to obtain the grace of God; that no “root of bitterness” springs up and causes trouble, and by it many become defiled.” Hebrews 12:25

It’s quite clear from these commands that bitterness will never be a pathway to healing. In fact, it is exactly the opposite.

3. Bitterness does not lead to biblical healing

Now, where there has been hurt in the body of Christ, it should not be brushed under the rug. Because, just like there are commands not to be bitter, there are just as many (and way more) not to sin against one another. But this wrong needs to be addressed in the way the Bible tells us to address it, not what our feelings are telling us (Matthew 18:15-17). There should be humility and a quickness to repent of wrongdoing against another. However, even if there is no recognition of wrongdoing and reconciliation is never reached, bitterness is never the appropriate response for a believer. We are called to forgive by God’s grace because of the example Jesus set for us (Col. 3:13). We are only responsible for our own obedience, and God will take care of that other person; we can leave them in His hands. 

Lee Strobel says,

”Acrid bitterness inevitably seeps into the lives of people who harbor grudges and suppress anger, and bitterness is always a poison. It keeps your pain alive instead of letting you deal with it and get beyond it. Bitterness sentences you to relive the hurt over and over.”

We are called to forgive for our own good. Bitterness becomes like a poison that slowly eats away at us. It clouds our ability to think correctly. It gives us the feeling that we are giving that person what they deserve, but in reality it is mostly hurting us and those closest to us. Bitterness keeps our hearts from being thankful, which hugely contributes to healing (I could do an entire post just on that topic, because Scripture has so much to say on it). Bitterness causes us to project things onto others that they aren’t really doing. It keeps us from having close relationships, and will ultimately keep us from the life-giving fellowship we have been saved into as brothers and sisters in Christ. 

There most certainly is a place for grief when hurt has been caused. We shouldn’t pretend like nothing has happened when we have been wronged by another. But we have to handle that hurt the Lord’s way, not in the way our feelings are leading us. We have to trust that God’s way is the best way. 

Does forgiveness necessarily mean that you continue to have a close relationship with those people? No, not always. Sometimes when deep hurt has been caused, it keeps closeness from being possible, especially when that person is unrepentant. This is something that should be prayed about and walked through with other godly people who you trust.

Believe me, I don’t say these words tritely. This comes from conviction etched in the depth of my being. I have cried in agony over the hurt I have been caused by other believers. I have wondered if I would ever be able to trust others. I have been tempted to throw in the towel and let bitterness take over. But God has been too gracious to let me go down that path. I will forever be grateful for those He has placed in my life to challenge me to think correctly, and who know that true healing for the hurt I’ve experienced comes from Jesus and from forgiving as He forgives. And it has been so very, very true.

If you are struggling with bitterness, here is what I would encourage you to do.

1. Take it to the Lord. 

God understands better than anyone the hurts we experience. 

Psalm 56:8 says, 
You have kept count of my tossings;
put my tears in your bottle.
Are they not in your book?

He is not oblivious or uncaring toward us. He mourns over the hurt that people cause each other, and He desires us to live in the freedom that forgiveness brings. He will both comfort us and walk us through how to forgive. 

So, pour out your heart to Him. Allow Him to comfort you and minister to you. Don’t let bitterness fester, because you have a God who is ready and able to heal you.

2. Seek Godly Counsel

Do you know someone who has experienced deep hurt in their life, yet is living a joyful and loving life toward others? You can be sure they are walking in forgiveness toward those who have wronged them. And these are exactly the kinds of people you want to be taking counsel from. Start with one or two people who you trust, and who you know will point you back to the Lord – don’t share your grievances widely. Listen to their advice and be willing to accept anything that aligns with Scripture. 

Proverbs 20:18 says, Plans are established by counsel; by wise guidance wage war.

The counsel and wisdom of godly, mature, experienced people will help us see a way to overcome bitterness and truly forgive, and then to wage war against our flesh that will want to keep us in bondage to that bitterness. 

3. Remember That You Have Been Forgiven

When we are living in bitterness it can be easy to forget that we are also sinful and have sinned against others, and ultimately sinned against God. It is absolutely critical that we remember how much we have been forgiven of by God (and secondly by others), and this will form the foundation for our own forgiveness toward those who have sinned against us (Read Matthew 18:21-35).

Remembering that we have been forgiven keeps us humble and thankful. It keeps us from withholding what is not our right to withhold. Does this mean you need to act like everything is all fine and dandy? No. There may need to be some significant changes in the way you relate to someone due to the consequences of that sin. But when you have forgiven them in your heart, you can leave them in the Lord’s hands and not continue to carry the burden of bitterness. 


Corrie Ten Boom is one of my spiritual heros, and has an incredible story of forgiveness (You can read her story or watch it in The Hiding Place). She said, in Clippings From My Notebook: 

“Forgiveness is the key that unlocks the door of resentment and the handcuffs of hatred. It is a power that breaks the chains of bitterness and the shackles of selfishness.”

If you have bitterness in your life, don’t wait another day before allowing the Lord to begin releasing you from its hold. Ask Him to lead you in the path toward forgiveness and freedom. I promise you, you will not regret it.

Your friend,

If this post was helpful to you, would you consider sharing it? Many thanks!

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  1. Mary Kuepfer says

    November 19, 2020 at 1:58 pm

    Incredible post full of Truth!! Thank you!!

    Reply
    • Heather says

      November 19, 2020 at 8:28 pm

      Praise God! You’re very welcome.

      Reply

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This past weekend Judah and I had the immense priv This past weekend Judah and I had the immense privilege of witnessing our five-year-old daughter surrender her life to the Lord.

God has used the salvation of my children to remind me of the Gospel that will never grow old, but that too often loses its wonder in my mind’s eye. What a gift that, in a world filled with evil and upheaval, God is quietly revealing that He is at work in the lives of those most precious to me.

I’m brought back to the reality of what Christ has done on our behalf, simple enough for a child to grasp, yet so profound we’ll never understand the half of it (at least not this side of heaven).

[Read the full post from my rejoicing heart at the link in my bio💕]
I’ve been mulling on this 👆🏻. I’m sure t I’ve been mulling on this 👆🏻. I’m sure there will be a multitude of voices today, but I’m going to chance it and add a few comments to the throng.

I’ve been seeing the argument over and over by pro-abortion advocates that we cannot be truly pro-life unless we’re personally adopting every child who is in foster care, providing childcare or tuition fees for every teen mom who chooses to keep their child, or rallying for every social cause. But this is simply not true. Can we not be against human trafficking without personally going and rescuing every single victim? Can we not think sexual assault is wrong without personally investing in every person who’s experienced it? We can and must hold fast to objective truths about right and wrong according to Scripture. When God gives us opportunities to personally give of our time, resources, and energy to love and care for those who are affected by an unexpected pregnancy—whether that’s providing diapers or adopting a child—we should wholeheartedly obey. But if what God is asking of you today is to get on your knees for those babies, mamas, and daddies who are touched by an unexpected pregnancy, remember that this is no less important. God moves when His people cry out to Him in prayer.

There is also the argument floating around that Christians talk big but act little. In other words, we aren’t actually willing to step in and help the babies we’ve wanted to protect in the womb. But if you look at the statistics that’s also false. Professing Christians are far more likely to personally invest time and resources into caring for the vulnerable than the general population (take a look at Josh Howerton’s pinned thread on Twitter as a starting place). Are there those whose lives contradict their words? Of course. God has to convict all of us of hypocrisy to one degree or another. Where we’ve failed to obey we should repent. However, we shouldn’t buy the lie that *every* Christian is failing to love the vulnerable. And, we need to remember that we’re simply responsible to do what God entrusts us with today—no more, no less. 

Lord, help your people to pray faithfully, serve faithfully, and give faithfully for your glory.
I’ll never forget a number of years ago in a her I’ll never forget a number of years ago in a hermeneutics class our teacher saying, “In Ezekiel 16, do you know what sin is listed first as reasons God destroyed Sodom? Pride.”

This struck me to the core. God had been doing a significant work in my life on this very thing. I’d grown up in a Christian home, been a rule-follower, and truly did love Jesus from a young age. That said, it was hard for me to grasp the depth of my sinfulness. I didn’t have a “past” and I’d never been a trouble-maker. But in my early 20’s I began to feel an increasing desperation to know and love Jesus more. As I pressed into Him I sensed Him speaking to my heart: 

“If you want your love for me to grow you need to see what you’ve been saved from.” 

He began exposing the depth of pride and filthy self-righteousness I’d viewed as lesser evils. It was so painful, but so freeing at the same time. I knew I was no better than those who’d committed the vilest atrocities, equally in need of the blood of Christ to “cleanse [me] from all unrighteousness” (1 John 1:9). I truly grasped the reality that not a single ounce of my own effort had contributed to my salvation. I wept over my sin and God’s mercy toward me for the first time.

So in this month that is dedicated to celebrating pride, I want to remember—remember that Jesus can transform anyone who turns to Him in repentance. Remember that Jesus “saved a wretch like me.” 
Remember that Christ gives grace to every person who humbles themselves before Him.
Remember that we are all the same at the foot of the cross.
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#lookingtoJesus #amazinggrace #pride
Our beautiful boy is 1. All the memories surround Our beautiful boy is 1. 
All the memories surrounding his birth are filling my mind and heart today.

This time last year I was in a hospital bed adjusting to the reality of our son coming a month early. I felt so weak, so weary, so unprepared to labor another child from womb to world. It looked like a C-section would be the only option after hours of unimproved heart rate dips. My midwife (whom I’d just met that day) even cried for me (how precious is that?😭). My husband and I prayed for what seemed impossible—a vaginal delivery—and in God’s mercy He chose to grant it. Although it was by far my most painful, difficult birth I was in awe that God had shown such kindness to me. I knew He saw and heard, and was glorified to answer our audacious ask. The midwife and nurse said they’d never seen a turn-around like that in all their years of practicing. 

Little buddy still needed a week in the nicu, yet the Lord revealed His gentleness at every turn—holding my tender, reeling heart in His hands. 

Then, he was home. Yet another answered prayer (they’d projected 3-4 weeks). I’ll never forget the utter joy of his siblings upon his homecoming.

God did not spare me from pain in Jack’s birth story, but instead revealed Himself faithfully and beautifully in the midst of it. When I look at Jack Lewis Cofer, I will always see a testimony of God’s lovingkindness toward me.

Happy Birthday, precious boy. You are a gift I’m unworthy, but so grateful, to steward.
Today I celebrate my dear father. To sum up what Today I celebrate my dear father.

To sum up what I’ve learned from his life would take a post much longer than the word count IG allows. But what I admire the most about him in recent years is seeing a man who consistently grows in wisdom, humility, and joy. He’s one of my favorite people in the world to have deep conversations with—encouraging me to think deeply—and pointing me back to Jesus continually. He’s lived out the declaration in Isaiah 6:8, a passage he loves: “Here I am! Send me.” No words can capture my gratitude for such a rare gift. 

I love you, Dad. Happy Father’s Day.
It’s Father’s Day. And I wholeheartedly celebr It’s Father’s Day. And I wholeheartedly celebrate the dad of our children. 
Men of integrity, faithfulness, wisdom, repentance, and holiness are few in this world. But where they are found, it is a joy to honor them. I praise God for the one found in my own home, relentlessly fighting to fix his eyes on Jesus and obey the call on his life to love, disciple, and shepherd his family.

I adore you, @judahcofer. Happy Father’s Day.
When @naomivacaro asked me about the possibility o When @naomivacaro asked me about the possibility of coming to TGCW with her (and a nearly immediate “do it” from my husband) I was thrilled. Hands down, my favorite part was the hours and hours of time with this dear friend. It was so sweet to meet *so* many Instagram faces in-person, hear lots of messages, buy books, and drink a good deal of coffee. 

Now it’s off to my husband and little people. As they say, there’s no place like home. 💕

Until next time, Indy!
Today I decided to tackle some weeding in a sorely Today I decided to tackle some weeding in a sorely neglected spot in our yard. A couple of weeks ago I noticed a little blanket of a particular weed beginning to grow, but decided to leave it to work on something else, convincing myself it could pass as nice ground-cover while I worked on “more important” projects. 

But a couple days ago I noticed it no longer passed as ground cover.😅

As I tugged at the multitude of weeds, I pondered how unassuming and rather pretty it looks when it’s small. Whimsical, white flowers bloom along it’s vine-y tendrils. But as it grows it slowly takes over everything. It wraps itself around branches and stems, making it difficult to distinguish which is which. If you take a close look at it, it’s very structure is twisted—growing to overpower and overtake.

How like sin these little weeds are—so often seeming harmless and even a delight to the eye. We let it be, thinking it can pass as part of the scenery of our lives. But it’s whole intention is to overtake. It slowly-yet-steadily wraps itself around whatever it can get ahold of, effecting every aspect of our lives. And eventually it’ll choke the life out of us.

No matter how innocent or appealing sin appears, it needs to be dealt with like these weeds: done away with. Given no room to flourish. Pulled up by the root and tossed out with the trash. The enemy of our souls wants to keep us tending these sins, or at least tolerating them. He knows that any inch we give to sin it will take a mile, keeping us from flourishing in the abundant life of Christ we’ve been given. 

Praise God for His grace that gives us the ability to say no to sin, to deal with it ruthlessly. Apart from Him we are slaves to our sin with no hope of freedom—no desire, even, for a life outside the bondage of death. What mercy, what love found in Jesus who died to free us from “the sin which clings so closely” (Hebrews 12). 

May any facade of beauty that sin might hold wither in the face of His glory.
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#lookingtoJesus #weeding #ponderings #Christcenteredwomanhood
“Lord, tether my dreams to reality.” This has “Lord, tether my dreams to reality.”

This has been a prayer I’ve continually lifted as of late.

I, as most do, have passions and interests that fall outside my family and home sphere. I have “one day” pursuits I feel quite strongly about. And the temptation can sometimes be to skimp in the “already here” and put my best efforts into those other desires (which are good things in-and-of themselves).

But here’s the reality: 

• I have one life to live. What I choose today matters.

• God’s priorities for me are worth pursuing with my whole heart, regardless of the messages the world (and sometimes my own heart) shouts at me. Why? Because He’s my Creator and only He gets to say what’s best for my life.

• My God-given priorities *today* include (but are not limited to) loving my husband and raising, training, teaching, loving, nurturing, and protecting five little people He’s entrusted to me. I alone have been granted the privilege of being called “Mommy” by these children, and “wife” of this precious man. Any other pursuits in this season must strengthen—not hinder—these callings. And, I might add, these 6 people are a dream come true.

• Some of those future dreams/pursuits are dependent on my faithfulness here and now. Why? Because every choice today is a seed planted, a stone laid. What will these say about me 20 years from now?

• I ultimately don’t want anything other than what God wants for me. He has the right and ability to change my course as He sees fit. If He chooses to allow those other dreams to come to fruition in His time and way I’ll be thrilled. But if He takes them away, blessed be His name. 

Tethered dreams have time to mature, deepen, be refined or even changed completely with age. Tethered dreams recognize that I can’t see the beginning from the end. Tethered dreams are safe with the One who can.

Lord, tether my dreams to reality.
Your reality.
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#lookingtoJesus #Christcenteredwomanhood
“The triangle of truisms, of father, mother and “The triangle of truisms, of father, mother and child, cannot be destroyed; it can only destroy those civilizations which disregard it.” - G. K. Chesterton

The moral fabric of our society is being shredded to pieces right before our eyes, and the attack on the family is right at the heart of it.

Is there anything more counter-cultural we can do than hold fast to God’s design for family—a husband and wife covenanting to one another until death, bearing and raising children for the glory of God? I doubt it. This seemingly simple stand is being showered with fiery darts. The enemy of our souls would like nothing more than for believers to cave to the pressures and lies of society.

But by God’s grace, we can hold fast to this now-radical, Christ-honoring view of husbands, wives, and children. It might feel insignificant at times. But I have a feeling this obedience in regard to God’s design family is accomplishing far more than we’ll ever know this side of eternity.
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#lookingtoJesus #family #husbandsandwives #children #childrenareagift
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