Heather Cofer

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To My Single Sisters: Three Things I Want You to Know

17 Mar

I have been a married woman since the ripe age of 19.

So, I’m not writing this from the perspective of someone who has spent an extended season as a single person. However, because many of my friends haven’t gotten married until their mid-or-late-20’s (or 30’s) that means some of my deepest friendships have been (and still are) with women who are single. 

My husband and I have also had the privilege of sharing our home with single women for over half our marriage (I believe it’s been 15 ladies in the past 6-ish years), and we’re a part of a church community comprised of many godly, unmarried women. Because of this, I’ve gotten to see personally how God works so beautifully in and through those in the single season of life. 

I’ve watched these women walk through various joys and trials in regards to singleness: contentment (and sometimes wondering if they should have a greater desire to be married), longing for marriage, the deep heart sickness that comes from “hope deferred” (Proverbs 13:12), grappling with how they fit in the local church, enjoying (or struggling in) their jobs, thankfulness, wondering what will come next, and often a mix or variation of these. 

Through these friendships and countless conversations, I’ve had an ever-increasing desire for single women to be encouraged and rallied around, especially by those of us who are married. So, if you are a single woman who is seeking to love, obey, and be satisfied in Christ, this post is for you. I pray it will infuse hope and renewed vision into your current calling, serving as a boost where you are thriving or a comfort where you are struggling. 

1. You Are Needed in the Body of Christ

If you are single in this season of your life, that is not by accident. And God isn’t sitting in heaven wondering how He is going to use you. You are where you are on purpose to bring glory to God and advance His kingdom on earth. 

I know many single women struggle with feeling less valuable because of how highly marriage and motherhood are honored particularly in conservative Christian circles. And while marriage and motherhood are beautiful callings, they are by no means what give a woman value; being made in the image of God is what gives us value, married or single. 

You as a single woman have a unique opportunity to serve and minister in ways that those who are married are far more limited (Paul speaks specifically to this in 1 Corinthians 7:32-35). I’ve seen this played out very practically in our community as my single sisters spend their time and energy befriending exchange students on college campuses, loving on women in homeless shelters, teaching missionary kids overseas, or keeping an eye on little kiddos so their moms can participate in a Bible study once a week. I have a deep appreciation for these women pouring out in ways I can’t in my current season as I witness the Body working together in the various capacities we’ve been called to to further the gospel on earth. 

I cannot count the ways I have personally been loved and cared for by dear single friends, whether it’s helping me clean my house, keeping an eye on my kiddos when my husband is out of town and I need to make an unexpected ER trip (true story), or simply popping over (or up) to spend time with me. Just writing that makes me cry with humble gratitude. 

My friend, I’m going to say it again: you are valuable and needed in the body of Christ. Don’t let the enemy plant lies in your mind that tell you otherwise. 

It is a wonderful (and vital) thing when married and single people partner together, supporting one another as we all seek to obey God in advancing His Kingdom right where He has us. 

It is a wonderful (and vital) thing when married and single people partner together, supporting one another as we all seek to obey God in advancing His Kingdom right where He has us. 

2. Our Fulfillment is in Christ (Single or Married)

As the saying goes, the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. So whether we’re single or married, it can be easy to focus on what we wish we had instead of being grateful for what we do have (yes, married women with kiddos struggle with it, too). But it’s not what we have either as single or married women that will bring us true satisfaction. 

You’ve probably heard this before, but it’s worth saying a million times over: our fulfillment in any season must (and can only) be found in Christ. I can tell you with deep conviction that it’s not experiencing emotional or physical intimacy with a husband or bearing and raising children that brings lasting satisfaction. Yes, marriage and motherhood are good gifts, and ones that we as women are made to desire and receive with joy. But if we expect them to give us what we can find only in the Giver of these gifts, marriage and motherhood become a breeding ground for discontentment and disappointment. 

You are meant to live a thriving, meaningful, life in Christ today. God does not withhold any of Himself from you as a single woman, and if you choose to seek your fulfillment in Him while you’re unmarried, you will find that if/when God brings a husband into your life you will receive the gift of marriage with far more gratitude, humility, and joy. Does this mean the longings for marriage are wrong or should go away? By no means! But when you are thriving in Christ, you will know where – or Who, rather – to find comfort and entrust those longings.

One of the most stunning pictures of grace I’ve witnessed is when a single woman delights herself in Christ; and I’m not just saying that. She is putting Christ’s love, Christ’s sufficiency, and Christ’s beauty on display in a manner this world so desperately needs.

One of the most stunning pictures of grace I’ve witnessed is a when single woman delights herself in Christ

3. Your Friendship is a Gift 

I hinted at this in my first point, but your friendship is an incredible gift (speaking specifically as one who is married). My life is far richer because of the single women who have come into my life and allowed me to be a part of theirs. 

As a culture we tend to gravitate toward those who are in a similar season to the one we are in, whether that’s single, newly married, young motherhood, empty-nesters, or otherwise. However, I believe that there is so much we miss out on if we are not intentionally cultivating relationships with women who are in varying stages of life. As a young mama I have received so much encouragement and helpful perspective from those who are not in this season. Because these women are not in the thick of it, they are sometimes able to see certain aspects more objectively and remind me of much-needed truth from the outside looking in. And I have had the privilege of allowing single women to catch firsthand glimpses into the good and the hard of a young wife and mama, offering encouragement to them as they anticipate being in this season one day (Lord willing). 

This isn’t to discount friendships in similar stages: these are certainly lifegiving and important. But we were not made to only interact with those who are going through the same things we are—this can cause nearsightedness or cut us off from much needed insight, especially from those who are a few years down the road from us. 

Now, I know this is sometimes easier said than done. Sadly, I’ve talked to a number of single women who have said it feels nearly impossible to pursue friendship with married women because they just seem too busy or uninterested. This should not be so. But, my friend, don’t give up. There are probably a number of contributing factors at play. A young mama often feels overwhelmed, exhausted, and concerned about what others will think when she feels like her weaknesses and learning curves are on full display. So continue to gently pursue them. Show them grace. Tell them you’d love to come spend time with them regardless of the state of their house or the noise level of the kids. Invite them out for coffee. Keep going back again and again. Remember, cultivating friendship and community doesn’t happen overnight. Ask the Lord to give you wisdom for what your part in that is. 


There is so much more I could say, but I’ll end it here.  Know that you are loved and valued by God and by others in the Body of Christ. Your presence and participation in the community of believers is vital. And you have been commissioned to advance the Gospel on this earth by the King of Kings Himself. I am cheering you on, my friend, as you embrace all that He has for you in this season. 

Your friend,

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This past weekend Judah and I had the immense priv This past weekend Judah and I had the immense privilege of witnessing our five-year-old daughter surrender her life to the Lord.

God has used the salvation of my children to remind me of the Gospel that will never grow old, but that too often loses its wonder in my mind’s eye. What a gift that, in a world filled with evil and upheaval, God is quietly revealing that He is at work in the lives of those most precious to me.

I’m brought back to the reality of what Christ has done on our behalf, simple enough for a child to grasp, yet so profound we’ll never understand the half of it (at least not this side of heaven).

[Read the full post from my rejoicing heart at the link in my bio💕]
I’ve been mulling on this 👆🏻. I’m sure t I’ve been mulling on this 👆🏻. I’m sure there will be a multitude of voices today, but I’m going to chance it and add a few comments to the throng.

I’ve been seeing the argument over and over by pro-abortion advocates that we cannot be truly pro-life unless we’re personally adopting every child who is in foster care, providing childcare or tuition fees for every teen mom who chooses to keep their child, or rallying for every social cause. But this is simply not true. Can we not be against human trafficking without personally going and rescuing every single victim? Can we not think sexual assault is wrong without personally investing in every person who’s experienced it? We can and must hold fast to objective truths about right and wrong according to Scripture. When God gives us opportunities to personally give of our time, resources, and energy to love and care for those who are affected by an unexpected pregnancy—whether that’s providing diapers or adopting a child—we should wholeheartedly obey. But if what God is asking of you today is to get on your knees for those babies, mamas, and daddies who are touched by an unexpected pregnancy, remember that this is no less important. God moves when His people cry out to Him in prayer.

There is also the argument floating around that Christians talk big but act little. In other words, we aren’t actually willing to step in and help the babies we’ve wanted to protect in the womb. But if you look at the statistics that’s also false. Professing Christians are far more likely to personally invest time and resources into caring for the vulnerable than the general population (take a look at Josh Howerton’s pinned thread on Twitter as a starting place). Are there those whose lives contradict their words? Of course. God has to convict all of us of hypocrisy to one degree or another. Where we’ve failed to obey we should repent. However, we shouldn’t buy the lie that *every* Christian is failing to love the vulnerable. And, we need to remember that we’re simply responsible to do what God entrusts us with today—no more, no less. 

Lord, help your people to pray faithfully, serve faithfully, and give faithfully for your glory.
I’ll never forget a number of years ago in a her I’ll never forget a number of years ago in a hermeneutics class our teacher saying, “In Ezekiel 16, do you know what sin is listed first as reasons God destroyed Sodom? Pride.”

This struck me to the core. God had been doing a significant work in my life on this very thing. I’d grown up in a Christian home, been a rule-follower, and truly did love Jesus from a young age. That said, it was hard for me to grasp the depth of my sinfulness. I didn’t have a “past” and I’d never been a trouble-maker. But in my early 20’s I began to feel an increasing desperation to know and love Jesus more. As I pressed into Him I sensed Him speaking to my heart: 

“If you want your love for me to grow you need to see what you’ve been saved from.” 

He began exposing the depth of pride and filthy self-righteousness I’d viewed as lesser evils. It was so painful, but so freeing at the same time. I knew I was no better than those who’d committed the vilest atrocities, equally in need of the blood of Christ to “cleanse [me] from all unrighteousness” (1 John 1:9). I truly grasped the reality that not a single ounce of my own effort had contributed to my salvation. I wept over my sin and God’s mercy toward me for the first time.

So in this month that is dedicated to celebrating pride, I want to remember—remember that Jesus can transform anyone who turns to Him in repentance. Remember that Jesus “saved a wretch like me.” 
Remember that Christ gives grace to every person who humbles themselves before Him.
Remember that we are all the same at the foot of the cross.
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#lookingtoJesus #amazinggrace #pride
Our beautiful boy is 1. All the memories surround Our beautiful boy is 1. 
All the memories surrounding his birth are filling my mind and heart today.

This time last year I was in a hospital bed adjusting to the reality of our son coming a month early. I felt so weak, so weary, so unprepared to labor another child from womb to world. It looked like a C-section would be the only option after hours of unimproved heart rate dips. My midwife (whom I’d just met that day) even cried for me (how precious is that?😭). My husband and I prayed for what seemed impossible—a vaginal delivery—and in God’s mercy He chose to grant it. Although it was by far my most painful, difficult birth I was in awe that God had shown such kindness to me. I knew He saw and heard, and was glorified to answer our audacious ask. The midwife and nurse said they’d never seen a turn-around like that in all their years of practicing. 

Little buddy still needed a week in the nicu, yet the Lord revealed His gentleness at every turn—holding my tender, reeling heart in His hands. 

Then, he was home. Yet another answered prayer (they’d projected 3-4 weeks). I’ll never forget the utter joy of his siblings upon his homecoming.

God did not spare me from pain in Jack’s birth story, but instead revealed Himself faithfully and beautifully in the midst of it. When I look at Jack Lewis Cofer, I will always see a testimony of God’s lovingkindness toward me.

Happy Birthday, precious boy. You are a gift I’m unworthy, but so grateful, to steward.
Today I celebrate my dear father. To sum up what Today I celebrate my dear father.

To sum up what I’ve learned from his life would take a post much longer than the word count IG allows. But what I admire the most about him in recent years is seeing a man who consistently grows in wisdom, humility, and joy. He’s one of my favorite people in the world to have deep conversations with—encouraging me to think deeply—and pointing me back to Jesus continually. He’s lived out the declaration in Isaiah 6:8, a passage he loves: “Here I am! Send me.” No words can capture my gratitude for such a rare gift. 

I love you, Dad. Happy Father’s Day.
It’s Father’s Day. And I wholeheartedly celebr It’s Father’s Day. And I wholeheartedly celebrate the dad of our children. 
Men of integrity, faithfulness, wisdom, repentance, and holiness are few in this world. But where they are found, it is a joy to honor them. I praise God for the one found in my own home, relentlessly fighting to fix his eyes on Jesus and obey the call on his life to love, disciple, and shepherd his family.

I adore you, @judahcofer. Happy Father’s Day.
When @naomivacaro asked me about the possibility o When @naomivacaro asked me about the possibility of coming to TGCW with her (and a nearly immediate “do it” from my husband) I was thrilled. Hands down, my favorite part was the hours and hours of time with this dear friend. It was so sweet to meet *so* many Instagram faces in-person, hear lots of messages, buy books, and drink a good deal of coffee. 

Now it’s off to my husband and little people. As they say, there’s no place like home. 💕

Until next time, Indy!
Today I decided to tackle some weeding in a sorely Today I decided to tackle some weeding in a sorely neglected spot in our yard. A couple of weeks ago I noticed a little blanket of a particular weed beginning to grow, but decided to leave it to work on something else, convincing myself it could pass as nice ground-cover while I worked on “more important” projects. 

But a couple days ago I noticed it no longer passed as ground cover.😅

As I tugged at the multitude of weeds, I pondered how unassuming and rather pretty it looks when it’s small. Whimsical, white flowers bloom along it’s vine-y tendrils. But as it grows it slowly takes over everything. It wraps itself around branches and stems, making it difficult to distinguish which is which. If you take a close look at it, it’s very structure is twisted—growing to overpower and overtake.

How like sin these little weeds are—so often seeming harmless and even a delight to the eye. We let it be, thinking it can pass as part of the scenery of our lives. But it’s whole intention is to overtake. It slowly-yet-steadily wraps itself around whatever it can get ahold of, effecting every aspect of our lives. And eventually it’ll choke the life out of us.

No matter how innocent or appealing sin appears, it needs to be dealt with like these weeds: done away with. Given no room to flourish. Pulled up by the root and tossed out with the trash. The enemy of our souls wants to keep us tending these sins, or at least tolerating them. He knows that any inch we give to sin it will take a mile, keeping us from flourishing in the abundant life of Christ we’ve been given. 

Praise God for His grace that gives us the ability to say no to sin, to deal with it ruthlessly. Apart from Him we are slaves to our sin with no hope of freedom—no desire, even, for a life outside the bondage of death. What mercy, what love found in Jesus who died to free us from “the sin which clings so closely” (Hebrews 12). 

May any facade of beauty that sin might hold wither in the face of His glory.
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#lookingtoJesus #weeding #ponderings #Christcenteredwomanhood
“Lord, tether my dreams to reality.” This has “Lord, tether my dreams to reality.”

This has been a prayer I’ve continually lifted as of late.

I, as most do, have passions and interests that fall outside my family and home sphere. I have “one day” pursuits I feel quite strongly about. And the temptation can sometimes be to skimp in the “already here” and put my best efforts into those other desires (which are good things in-and-of themselves).

But here’s the reality: 

• I have one life to live. What I choose today matters.

• God’s priorities for me are worth pursuing with my whole heart, regardless of the messages the world (and sometimes my own heart) shouts at me. Why? Because He’s my Creator and only He gets to say what’s best for my life.

• My God-given priorities *today* include (but are not limited to) loving my husband and raising, training, teaching, loving, nurturing, and protecting five little people He’s entrusted to me. I alone have been granted the privilege of being called “Mommy” by these children, and “wife” of this precious man. Any other pursuits in this season must strengthen—not hinder—these callings. And, I might add, these 6 people are a dream come true.

• Some of those future dreams/pursuits are dependent on my faithfulness here and now. Why? Because every choice today is a seed planted, a stone laid. What will these say about me 20 years from now?

• I ultimately don’t want anything other than what God wants for me. He has the right and ability to change my course as He sees fit. If He chooses to allow those other dreams to come to fruition in His time and way I’ll be thrilled. But if He takes them away, blessed be His name. 

Tethered dreams have time to mature, deepen, be refined or even changed completely with age. Tethered dreams recognize that I can’t see the beginning from the end. Tethered dreams are safe with the One who can.

Lord, tether my dreams to reality.
Your reality.
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#lookingtoJesus #Christcenteredwomanhood
“The triangle of truisms, of father, mother and “The triangle of truisms, of father, mother and child, cannot be destroyed; it can only destroy those civilizations which disregard it.” - G. K. Chesterton

The moral fabric of our society is being shredded to pieces right before our eyes, and the attack on the family is right at the heart of it.

Is there anything more counter-cultural we can do than hold fast to God’s design for family—a husband and wife covenanting to one another until death, bearing and raising children for the glory of God? I doubt it. This seemingly simple stand is being showered with fiery darts. The enemy of our souls would like nothing more than for believers to cave to the pressures and lies of society.

But by God’s grace, we can hold fast to this now-radical, Christ-honoring view of husbands, wives, and children. It might feel insignificant at times. But I have a feeling this obedience in regard to God’s design family is accomplishing far more than we’ll ever know this side of eternity.
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#lookingtoJesus #family #husbandsandwives #children #childrenareagift
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