Heather Cofer

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Invisible Illness, The Fear of Man, and the God Who Sees

8 Apr

It was a late winter afternoon two years ago, and I found myself lying on my bed, drenched in familiar feelings of shame-tinged hopelessness.

New symptoms.
Results from another doctor. 
No answers. 
Again. 

With eyes staring blankly at the familiar ceiling shadows, my heart cries rose to the One place I knew to turn.

“Lord, I’m so weary of this. I really thought this time I’d figure out what’s going on in my body, but it’s just another dead end. I feel so dumb. People are going to begin to think I’m lying about all this. I don’t know what to do anymore. Please, God, just allow me to have an answer.” 

In that moment the Lord drew near to my hurting, confused soul in a way I will never forget.

But I know, Heather.

I know what’s going on in your body. Because of that, It doesn’t ultimately matter if others know or understand—You don’t even need to understand. Will you turn to me for your comfort? Will you continue to trust me even if answers are never brought to light? I could’ve allowed those to be revealed, but I’ve chosen to keep them from you for now. Do you believe that I’m using this invisible illness for your good? 

Tears streamed down my face, but not ones of discouragement. I sensed God’s love for me in a close and overwhelming way. I knew He was right there with me, comforting my heart. I had renewed confidence that my long-time chronic illness was completely within His sovereign control. And I knew that He would be faithful to me even if I went to my grave in mystery.


My health struggles have only increased since that day. However I’ve seen the Lord continue to use this journey to evidence His love and care over me.

Talking about my health has always been a vulnerable point for me since it involves a lot of unknowns that have often left me feeling disoriented and unsure about how to process or verbalize it. It’s also far worse some days than others, so sometimes I feel awful and the next day I’m not too bad. That said, I deliberated waiting to write this post until I had some solid answers, but chose to share these things while there are still many unknowns. For one, there’s a good chance we’ll never fully know the root of the issue because it could stem from something I was exposed to in Mongolia as a child. And second, I have a hunch I’m not the only one walking through a trial that involves tough question marks. If you’re in a similar place, it’s my desire that the Lord will use these lessons He’s been teaching me through confusing chronic illness to encourage, comfort, and point you back to His gentle, all-knowing love for you. Sometimes we fall into the trap of wondering if God has forgotten about us and our situation when every direction seems answerless and the way ahead looks bleak. But I’m more and more convinced that allowing these “thorns in the flesh” to remain is not evidence of His forgetfulness or lack of care, but of His perfect wisdom. He knows exactly what tools to use to chisel, smooth, and shape us more into His likeness, and often those tools are painful. But as we surrender to these means of sanctification rather than resist them, they’re able to be wielded by the hand of God to refine us in stunning ways for His glory.

As I’ve worked on this post the past few months—asking God to give me wisdom to know what and how to share—He’s been revealing just how deeply the fear of man has been rooted in me, and the ways He’s using this chronic illness to uproot it. For that reason I’ve chosen to focus specifically on that aspect here. For anyone who’s walked through chronic illness, you’ll know there are countless ways the Lord uses it to grow us and deepen our dependence on Him. But many of those things will remain between us and the Lord, or be shared face-to-face with those walking alongside us. However, if I can share even one lesson a bit wider to testify to the sufficiency of Christ’s grace in my weakness to edify others, I gladly do so. 

First, I’ll share a bit more of my story.


My Health Journey

It’s been roughly 15 years since I started noticing strange health symptoms. I’d lived in Mongolia for about 9 years at that point, and was in my mid-teens. For a while it was just a few concerning oddities that would come and go. When I moved back to the States at 19 I did a bit more investigating with various clinics. We’d get a hint here and there, some small diagnoses, but ultimately found nothing that explained all my symptoms. I’d drink more water, change my diet, or try another supplement. Sometimes I felt better, sometimes not.

As a newlywed I was diagnosed with something we thought might keep me from having children. But by God’s grace I did conceive, and my OB during that pregnancy told us she thought I’d been misdiagnosed. We were thankful, but still confused by my ongoing health struggles. The symptoms would get better during pregnancy, then come back with a vengeance after each child, adding new ones to the list every time. But with a lack of solid conclusions I felt that I had no choice but to try to push through and “fake it ‘til I make it.” 

Years went by. Another visit to the doctor, another specialist referral, another trip to the ER if the symptoms became alarming. 

Specialist after specialist, going over my history and symptoms. Then test after test. Over and over.

A deficiency or imbalance here, an abnormal finding there. But nothing conclusive or that seemed to fit with any other issue—just enough for the doctors to scratch their heads, ask if I was stressed or anxious, suggest trying this or that, and tell me to schedule a follow-up in six months. Most doctors have been gracious and kind, some have been—less so. But after every final appointment I’d leave with embarrassment emblazoned on my cheeks and discouragement invading my core. With every referral I’d been so sure this doctor would be able to put a name to my struggles. But no—“hope deferred” yet again (Prov. 13:12).

Maybe it really is all in my head. Maybe I’m overreacting and wimpy, and this is typical for everyone. Maybe I just need to keep trying to act normal, and my body will catch up. Maybe I just crave attention in some warped way. Maybe… 

I hated sharing with Judah about the results of my appointments. I hated sharing with family and friends when they’d ask, and after I knew they’d been praying. I felt so silly saying there was not much to relay. I truly cared about what they would think, which is not wrong in itself—it’s just that I cared a little too much.

The Fear of Man

So we’ve come to it: the fear of man, and how it’s reared its ugly head in this journey.

I’m naturally a people-oriented person, meaning I’ll go out of my way to seek to love others even if tasks need to be set aside. This has its strengths, but it also comes with weaknesses, one of which is being too concerned about the opinion of others. You might call it a “besetting sin” of mine. The Lord has used almost every aspect of my life to bring it to light and go through the hard process of uprooting it. I praise Him for the work He’s done so far, seeing so much evidence of His grace in this regard.

It wasn’t until recently, though, I realized the extent to which the fear of man has affected how I think and talk about my health issues. But it makes sense—sin is never isolated to one area of life. It permeates everything. For this reason alone, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God has allowed a lack of answers in my illness to use it as a tool to reveal ungodly fear of others and free me of it to a greater degree.

Over the years it’s been tough to know how to answer the question, “How are you?” when I’m in a hard health season, partly because of the difficulty of explaining my symptoms. But it’s also hard for me to answer because I’m afraid of the response I’m going to receive. I’ve received a few blazé (or seemingly blazé) responses, but for the most part others have been gracious and kind. The issue mostly lies within me.

I don’t want to be viewed as weak. I don’t want to inconvenience others. I don’t want to sound like I’m complaining, especially when others are facing far more serious trials. On the other hand I’m also afraid my vulnerable and painful struggles will be brushed aside as silly. I’m afraid they’ll think (‘they’ being anyone and everyone) I’m overreacting and just need to get my act together. I fear that their possible lack of response might mean they don’t want to hurt my feelings with their true thoughts. I’m afraid their words might confirm my worst fears about being out of my mind. Because of this I’ve often determined what is “true” or “not true” about what I’m feeling physically based on the reactions (or perceived reactions) of others rather than on what is actually true. Let’s just say the fear of man is a dangerous lens.

I’ve committed to opportunities I shouldn’t have because I wanted to look capable in the eyes of others—then I’ve suffered the consequences, as has my family. I’ve chosen to try to act like I’m fine when I’m barely functional, and my poor communication has caused misunderstandings and hurt. I’ve rejected help or simply not asked because I don’t want to be a bother. My lack of sufficient detail in some situations has caused me to overshare in others to compensate, making me feel even more insecure—you know, the pendulum swing.

Goodness, it’s humbling to write these things.

But my heart cry has been as of late: Lord, help me to simply live honestly before you and others.

I’ve always had a sensitive conscience, never wanting to mislead and being quick to clarify if I believe I have. I truly loathe the feeling of lying. However, I’ve been startled to find just how much of a disconnect the fear of man has caused in this regard, having “laid a snare” for me in thinking and talking about my health (Prov. 29:25). But praise God, He’s revealed it, and is showing me that “whoever trusts in the Lord is safe.”

I’m continually learning that when I’m living before the Lord—living in the fear of the Lord—I have no need to fear what others will think about my confusing situation. When I’m living in the fear of the Lord He will give me wisdom to know what a fitting response is for each person asking, whether it’s more details or less. The fear of the Lord allows me to be humble, accepting help from others or graciously receiving advice without taking it as a personal slight or insinuation that I’ve not carefully considered my options. The fear of the Lord enables me to assume the best of the responses of others rather than the worst. The fear of the Lord enables me to admit when I’m contributing to the problem with lack of discipline in one way or another, taking responsibility where I should. The fear of the Lord gives me the ability to hold with an open hand those things that are outside my control, rejecting the lies that say it’s all my fault. The fear of the Lord gives me discernment to know when to rest and when to work, when to say ‘no’ and when to say ‘yes’ for His glory. The fear of the Lord keeps my heart firmly fixed on Him amidst the unknowns, regardless of what others might think or say. Living in the fear of the Lord gives me the ability to walk in the glorious light of truth, to have joy in pain, and to know that God is working all things for my good.

I’m naturally a bubbly sort of person, and I see the bright side of things quite easily (I’ve also heard that redheads generally have a high pain tolerance, so I have that going for me). These God-given traits have been a gift many times in this chronic illness journey. But in and of themselves they aren’t sufficient. Only the grace of God can give me what I need to persevere, to be outward focused and loving, to be patient and kind, and to have hope in the face of hard mystery. But I’m seeing Him do it. I’m watching Him be faithful again and again. I can see so many glimpses of the reality that in my weakness He is strong. 

Paul’s words in 2 Corinthians 12:8-10 resonate more profoundly as time passes, ministering to me in precious ways. Speaking of his thorn in the flesh, Paul says,

“Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”

There is wholeness I can’t begin to fathom that awaits me in the presence of my Savior one day. But for now, as long as my Maker allows this physical weakness to remain I can trust that He is using these struggles to chisel and smooth and refine me to display His glory. If that’s not reason to rejoice, I don’t know what is.

God is working through my weakness, and He can work through anyone’s weakness. If you resonate with these things in any way, I gently urge you to go to Jesus. Pour your heart out to Him—He already knows what you’re going through, and is ready and waiting to comfort, strengthen, and lead you. He has not forgotten you, and He is working all things for your good; you can rest in that.

To finish, I’ll share the lyrics to a song that has been a balm to my soul in recent months.

Song in the Night by Shane and Shane

Even though I know you’re able
And I believe that you are Good
Even if You don’t deliver me
O God, you are my God

I will cling to the lover of my soul
Letting go of the rudder in the storm
I will call on the name of the Lord
You’re my song in the night
O Jesus Christ

Even when my life is fading
Even when the death dew falls
Even with my last breath, I will sing
O God, You are my God

And I will cling to the lover of my soul
Letting go of the rudder in the storm
I will call on the name of the Lord
You’re my song in the night
O Jesus Christ

No more weeping
No more waiting
There in Your presence
Forever with You
No more reaching
No more wanting
There in Your presence, God
When all things are new

For now, I’ll cling to the lover of my soul
Letting go of the rudder in the storm
I will call on the name of the Lord
You’re my song in the night
O Jesus Christ

Your friend,

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Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. Lauren says

    April 10, 2022 at 3:14 pm

    This might be humbling for you, but it is nothing but edifying for those around you. Being transparent in this manner gives far more opportunity to glorify God, and I’m thankful you’re willing to do so!

    As wonderful as modern medicine is cracked up to be, it truly has no comparison to the sufficiency and power of the Lord to sustain, uphold, and heal. In all illnesses and trials, He is working. Even as His ways are higher, so also is He faithful to complete that which He has started!

    And the added blessing of sharing this testimony is that you now have many more people praying for you! 🙂

    Reply
    • Heather says

      April 11, 2022 at 7:45 pm

      Thank you so much for sharing this! It blessed me to read.

      Reply
  2. Norma says

    April 11, 2022 at 4:00 pm

    Wow Heather
    Thank you for sharing!!! I didn’t know this about you. I struggle with a chronic physical illness as well and it’s become worse over the past year or so. I feel like pretty much ever word you wrote could come from my heart. I resonate so much with what you say! I’m afraid I haven’t been suffering as well as you have. My desire is to allow Jesus to teach me what He desires to teach me through this.
    Much strength to you!
    Thank you again for sharing!!
    Norma Kornelsen

    Reply
    • Heather says

      April 11, 2022 at 7:45 pm

      I’m so thankful this was an encouragement to you! He is so faithful to teach us, isn’t He?

      Reply
  3. Abigail R. says

    September 16, 2022 at 4:01 pm

    Thank you so much for sharing your vulnerabilities, and in so doing, elevating Christ’s Strength. This came in God’s perfect timing. I resonate with your story, even though it’s a completely different story…I’m definitely in this season with you; although I feel almost silly to say that I’ve only had to deal with these more serious circumstances/symptoms for less than a year. Keep on keeping on, putting your trust in the Lord, dear sister.

    Reply
    • Heather says

      September 17, 2022 at 4:25 am

      I’m so thankful to hear this was an encouragement to you. I’m sorry you’re struggling with health issues, too. The Lord is so faithful even in our weakness, isn’t He? Blessings to you!

      Reply

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This past weekend Judah and I had the immense priv This past weekend Judah and I had the immense privilege of witnessing our five-year-old daughter surrender her life to the Lord.

God has used the salvation of my children to remind me of the Gospel that will never grow old, but that too often loses its wonder in my mind’s eye. What a gift that, in a world filled with evil and upheaval, God is quietly revealing that He is at work in the lives of those most precious to me.

I’m brought back to the reality of what Christ has done on our behalf, simple enough for a child to grasp, yet so profound we’ll never understand the half of it (at least not this side of heaven).

[Read the full post from my rejoicing heart at the link in my bio💕]
I’ve been mulling on this 👆🏻. I’m sure t I’ve been mulling on this 👆🏻. I’m sure there will be a multitude of voices today, but I’m going to chance it and add a few comments to the throng.

I’ve been seeing the argument over and over by pro-abortion advocates that we cannot be truly pro-life unless we’re personally adopting every child who is in foster care, providing childcare or tuition fees for every teen mom who chooses to keep their child, or rallying for every social cause. But this is simply not true. Can we not be against human trafficking without personally going and rescuing every single victim? Can we not think sexual assault is wrong without personally investing in every person who’s experienced it? We can and must hold fast to objective truths about right and wrong according to Scripture. When God gives us opportunities to personally give of our time, resources, and energy to love and care for those who are affected by an unexpected pregnancy—whether that’s providing diapers or adopting a child—we should wholeheartedly obey. But if what God is asking of you today is to get on your knees for those babies, mamas, and daddies who are touched by an unexpected pregnancy, remember that this is no less important. God moves when His people cry out to Him in prayer.

There is also the argument floating around that Christians talk big but act little. In other words, we aren’t actually willing to step in and help the babies we’ve wanted to protect in the womb. But if you look at the statistics that’s also false. Professing Christians are far more likely to personally invest time and resources into caring for the vulnerable than the general population (take a look at Josh Howerton’s pinned thread on Twitter as a starting place). Are there those whose lives contradict their words? Of course. God has to convict all of us of hypocrisy to one degree or another. Where we’ve failed to obey we should repent. However, we shouldn’t buy the lie that *every* Christian is failing to love the vulnerable. And, we need to remember that we’re simply responsible to do what God entrusts us with today—no more, no less. 

Lord, help your people to pray faithfully, serve faithfully, and give faithfully for your glory.
I’ll never forget a number of years ago in a her I’ll never forget a number of years ago in a hermeneutics class our teacher saying, “In Ezekiel 16, do you know what sin is listed first as reasons God destroyed Sodom? Pride.”

This struck me to the core. God had been doing a significant work in my life on this very thing. I’d grown up in a Christian home, been a rule-follower, and truly did love Jesus from a young age. That said, it was hard for me to grasp the depth of my sinfulness. I didn’t have a “past” and I’d never been a trouble-maker. But in my early 20’s I began to feel an increasing desperation to know and love Jesus more. As I pressed into Him I sensed Him speaking to my heart: 

“If you want your love for me to grow you need to see what you’ve been saved from.” 

He began exposing the depth of pride and filthy self-righteousness I’d viewed as lesser evils. It was so painful, but so freeing at the same time. I knew I was no better than those who’d committed the vilest atrocities, equally in need of the blood of Christ to “cleanse [me] from all unrighteousness” (1 John 1:9). I truly grasped the reality that not a single ounce of my own effort had contributed to my salvation. I wept over my sin and God’s mercy toward me for the first time.

So in this month that is dedicated to celebrating pride, I want to remember—remember that Jesus can transform anyone who turns to Him in repentance. Remember that Jesus “saved a wretch like me.” 
Remember that Christ gives grace to every person who humbles themselves before Him.
Remember that we are all the same at the foot of the cross.
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#lookingtoJesus #amazinggrace #pride
Our beautiful boy is 1. All the memories surround Our beautiful boy is 1. 
All the memories surrounding his birth are filling my mind and heart today.

This time last year I was in a hospital bed adjusting to the reality of our son coming a month early. I felt so weak, so weary, so unprepared to labor another child from womb to world. It looked like a C-section would be the only option after hours of unimproved heart rate dips. My midwife (whom I’d just met that day) even cried for me (how precious is that?😭). My husband and I prayed for what seemed impossible—a vaginal delivery—and in God’s mercy He chose to grant it. Although it was by far my most painful, difficult birth I was in awe that God had shown such kindness to me. I knew He saw and heard, and was glorified to answer our audacious ask. The midwife and nurse said they’d never seen a turn-around like that in all their years of practicing. 

Little buddy still needed a week in the nicu, yet the Lord revealed His gentleness at every turn—holding my tender, reeling heart in His hands. 

Then, he was home. Yet another answered prayer (they’d projected 3-4 weeks). I’ll never forget the utter joy of his siblings upon his homecoming.

God did not spare me from pain in Jack’s birth story, but instead revealed Himself faithfully and beautifully in the midst of it. When I look at Jack Lewis Cofer, I will always see a testimony of God’s lovingkindness toward me.

Happy Birthday, precious boy. You are a gift I’m unworthy, but so grateful, to steward.
Today I celebrate my dear father. To sum up what Today I celebrate my dear father.

To sum up what I’ve learned from his life would take a post much longer than the word count IG allows. But what I admire the most about him in recent years is seeing a man who consistently grows in wisdom, humility, and joy. He’s one of my favorite people in the world to have deep conversations with—encouraging me to think deeply—and pointing me back to Jesus continually. He’s lived out the declaration in Isaiah 6:8, a passage he loves: “Here I am! Send me.” No words can capture my gratitude for such a rare gift. 

I love you, Dad. Happy Father’s Day.
It’s Father’s Day. And I wholeheartedly celebr It’s Father’s Day. And I wholeheartedly celebrate the dad of our children. 
Men of integrity, faithfulness, wisdom, repentance, and holiness are few in this world. But where they are found, it is a joy to honor them. I praise God for the one found in my own home, relentlessly fighting to fix his eyes on Jesus and obey the call on his life to love, disciple, and shepherd his family.

I adore you, @judahcofer. Happy Father’s Day.
When @naomivacaro asked me about the possibility o When @naomivacaro asked me about the possibility of coming to TGCW with her (and a nearly immediate “do it” from my husband) I was thrilled. Hands down, my favorite part was the hours and hours of time with this dear friend. It was so sweet to meet *so* many Instagram faces in-person, hear lots of messages, buy books, and drink a good deal of coffee. 

Now it’s off to my husband and little people. As they say, there’s no place like home. 💕

Until next time, Indy!
Today I decided to tackle some weeding in a sorely Today I decided to tackle some weeding in a sorely neglected spot in our yard. A couple of weeks ago I noticed a little blanket of a particular weed beginning to grow, but decided to leave it to work on something else, convincing myself it could pass as nice ground-cover while I worked on “more important” projects. 

But a couple days ago I noticed it no longer passed as ground cover.😅

As I tugged at the multitude of weeds, I pondered how unassuming and rather pretty it looks when it’s small. Whimsical, white flowers bloom along it’s vine-y tendrils. But as it grows it slowly takes over everything. It wraps itself around branches and stems, making it difficult to distinguish which is which. If you take a close look at it, it’s very structure is twisted—growing to overpower and overtake.

How like sin these little weeds are—so often seeming harmless and even a delight to the eye. We let it be, thinking it can pass as part of the scenery of our lives. But it’s whole intention is to overtake. It slowly-yet-steadily wraps itself around whatever it can get ahold of, effecting every aspect of our lives. And eventually it’ll choke the life out of us.

No matter how innocent or appealing sin appears, it needs to be dealt with like these weeds: done away with. Given no room to flourish. Pulled up by the root and tossed out with the trash. The enemy of our souls wants to keep us tending these sins, or at least tolerating them. He knows that any inch we give to sin it will take a mile, keeping us from flourishing in the abundant life of Christ we’ve been given. 

Praise God for His grace that gives us the ability to say no to sin, to deal with it ruthlessly. Apart from Him we are slaves to our sin with no hope of freedom—no desire, even, for a life outside the bondage of death. What mercy, what love found in Jesus who died to free us from “the sin which clings so closely” (Hebrews 12). 

May any facade of beauty that sin might hold wither in the face of His glory.
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#lookingtoJesus #weeding #ponderings #Christcenteredwomanhood
“Lord, tether my dreams to reality.” This has “Lord, tether my dreams to reality.”

This has been a prayer I’ve continually lifted as of late.

I, as most do, have passions and interests that fall outside my family and home sphere. I have “one day” pursuits I feel quite strongly about. And the temptation can sometimes be to skimp in the “already here” and put my best efforts into those other desires (which are good things in-and-of themselves).

But here’s the reality: 

• I have one life to live. What I choose today matters.

• God’s priorities for me are worth pursuing with my whole heart, regardless of the messages the world (and sometimes my own heart) shouts at me. Why? Because He’s my Creator and only He gets to say what’s best for my life.

• My God-given priorities *today* include (but are not limited to) loving my husband and raising, training, teaching, loving, nurturing, and protecting five little people He’s entrusted to me. I alone have been granted the privilege of being called “Mommy” by these children, and “wife” of this precious man. Any other pursuits in this season must strengthen—not hinder—these callings. And, I might add, these 6 people are a dream come true.

• Some of those future dreams/pursuits are dependent on my faithfulness here and now. Why? Because every choice today is a seed planted, a stone laid. What will these say about me 20 years from now?

• I ultimately don’t want anything other than what God wants for me. He has the right and ability to change my course as He sees fit. If He chooses to allow those other dreams to come to fruition in His time and way I’ll be thrilled. But if He takes them away, blessed be His name. 

Tethered dreams have time to mature, deepen, be refined or even changed completely with age. Tethered dreams recognize that I can’t see the beginning from the end. Tethered dreams are safe with the One who can.

Lord, tether my dreams to reality.
Your reality.
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#lookingtoJesus #Christcenteredwomanhood
“The triangle of truisms, of father, mother and “The triangle of truisms, of father, mother and child, cannot be destroyed; it can only destroy those civilizations which disregard it.” - G. K. Chesterton

The moral fabric of our society is being shredded to pieces right before our eyes, and the attack on the family is right at the heart of it.

Is there anything more counter-cultural we can do than hold fast to God’s design for family—a husband and wife covenanting to one another until death, bearing and raising children for the glory of God? I doubt it. This seemingly simple stand is being showered with fiery darts. The enemy of our souls would like nothing more than for believers to cave to the pressures and lies of society.

But by God’s grace, we can hold fast to this now-radical, Christ-honoring view of husbands, wives, and children. It might feel insignificant at times. But I have a feeling this obedience in regard to God’s design family is accomplishing far more than we’ll ever know this side of eternity.
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#lookingtoJesus #family #husbandsandwives #children #childrenareagift
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