Heather Cofer

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Touchy Topics and Christian Mamas

18 Jul

I paused mid-scroll in my Facebook feed one afternoon when I saw it:

another very strong opinion voiced in a very strong way by a mama acquaintance. Just a couple of hours after being posted, there were already scores of comments. Some were in agreement with the stated opinion, others were not. It was quickly becoming an argument filled with emphatic remarks and conclusions being drawn about the “other side” that were getting more and more inflammatory and accusatory. There were some who were genuinely trying to keep the peace, but it wasn’t helping much.

There were two things that struck me as I read:
1) yet again it was a topic relating to motherhood.
And 2) it was a topic that – very legitimately – has two sides to it. Sadly, though, there were so many entering into an argument and causing hurt and polarization amongst mamas on an issue where neither sentiment was right or wrong, just different.

You’ve probably seen similar interactions on your social media feed. There are so many heightened topics right now that can quickly become divisive amongst moms: Vaccines vs. no vaccines. Homeschooling vs. public school. Home birth vs. hospital birth (or medicated vs. unmedicated). Sleep training vs. no sleep training. Organic diet vs. non-organic diet. Natural medicine vs. conventional medicine. Breastfeeding vs. formula. Screen time vs. no screen time. The list goes on.

But should we, as Christian moms, be so quick to make these topics black-and-white, causing tension between sisters in Christ? Does God actually make these things as starkly right and wrong as we often do?

There is a perspective that has come to be helpful and clarifying to Judah and I as we’ve talked and prayed about how to handle these kinds of issues in practical life that aren’t clearly outlined in Scripture. It’s called Principles vs. Methods.

Principles vs. Methods

The Bible is full of instructions for how we ought to live. These commands are clearly stated in Scripture as non-negotiable, and things that all Christians should be practicing: love others, walk in humility, preach the gospel, live in purity, practice hospitality, serve others, etc. These and more are foundational principles that are evidences of being followers of Jesus; principles every Christian should wholeheartedly and unwaveringly obey. 

But the methods, or ways, these principles are to be obeyed aren’t always laid out in Scripture in a step-by-step manner, and may have multiple “right” answers. For instance, as moms we know we’re to love our children (Titus 2:4), which is a non-negotiable principle. But it doesn’t say exactly what that means in every situation (i.e. should I feed my child only organic food). It’s these things that we’re all responsible individually and as couples to seek the Lord for how He wants us to implement these in our lives. This is where wisdom and personal convictions come into play for our specific families, situations, or seasons. 

But we can be so quick to make personal convictions about the methods into black-and-white rules; to call an open-handed approach a closed-handed command. When someone chooses a different way of functioning within their family, we can easily become critical and dogmatic about our way being the best. While we may think our method truly is the wisest or best, we definitely shouldn’t be calling these things sin in someone else. Why? Because God doesn’t say they are. And we may not go so far as to call them sinful, but sometimes we sure judge them like they are. 

Called to Love

As believers – sisters in Christ – we’re called to love one another well. Jesus said,

“By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.”

John 13:35

The way we treat one another is supposed to represent to a lost and dying world just how incredible it is to be a part of the family of God. But all-too often we forget that this is the kind of love we’re called to. We become critical, we lose our patience, we major on the minors, and cause division because we’re not simply obeying Jesus. I’ve been guilty of it, and the Lord has convicted my heart time and again about the way I treat and think about my spiritual family.

Paul’s admonition to the Ephesian church is still just as needed in our day as it was then,

“I therefore, a prisoner for the Lord, urge you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.”

Ephesians 4:1-3

We should be eager to maintain unity amongst our fellow Christian mamas. We must walk in humility, willing to hear different perspectives and gently presenting our own. We need to patiently hear people out, not being quick to attack their methods even if we truly think our way is wiser. More than anything, in our interactions with one another we should be seeking to point each other to Jesus. 

This doesn’t mean we can’t have strong convictions for why we do or don’t do something. I certainly have a few. However, I also need to remember that I am responsible before the Lord for my own decisions, not the decisions of my fellow mama friends. We can talk about differences of opinions in a gentle, patient, loving way that doesn’t cause division. We can offer suggestions when asked, and we can also humbly and graciously listen when others offer theirs. And this comes by each of us submitting ourselves to the Holy Spirit to help us live in a manner “worthy of the calling to which [we] have been called.”

These are a few practical things that have helped me in being able to brooch these subjects in a way that is edifying and loving.

Expect the Best

It’s so easy to jump to conclusions as to why other moms might be choosing to do things a certain way. But, it’s probably not true that they are vaccinating their children because “they’re just ignorant,” or that they’re not because “they want to get everyone sick.” Or, that someone who gives their child sugar is trying to poison them, or that someone who has home births doesn’t care about the safety of their baby. We need to be so watchful that we’re expecting the best of our sisters in Christ, speaking in such a way that isn’t going to cause hurt or make them look bad in others’ eyes. Even when we truly don’t think their decision is the best for what may be valid reasons, let’s approach it with grace, love, and humility, and practice self-control over our thoughts and words. 

Be Open

There were a few methods I said I would probably never practice before becoming a parent; and guess what I’ve done? At least one of those things (ok, maybe more). I had to be willing to humble myself to realize that I needed to change my opinion and embrace a different way of doing something because my original way wasn’t working or I saw the wisdom of trying another route.

We need to be willing to hear out those who have differences of opinion on the methods we use, because it just may be that our way isn’t the best (or only) way. Or what works for one child might not work for another, so changing things up a bit may be really good. All this needs to be done prayerfully and with godly counsel, being sure we’re not compromising on the closed-handed issues. But keeping a humble and teachable heart posture in regards to these methods is important, and could be very helpful to us in the long run. 

Ask Questions

One way I’ve been able to enter into conversations with other moms about these sometimes touchy topics is by asking questions; not interrogating them, but asking in a way that is humble and genuinely interested in their way of thinking. For example, saying, “I’d love to hear how you and your husband have thought through [blank]. Would you be willing to share?” Or, “What are your thoughts on [blank]? I’m still thinking and praying about it, and would love to hear your perspective.” This opens the way for loving and life-giving interactions on these methods. And often I’ve been surprised to find that I learned lots of helpful things and gained a more well-rounded perspective.  

Face-to-Face

Lastly, I’ve discovered that the best context to talk about these potentially sensitive topics is privately. And ideally, in person. This keeps it from becoming a group discussion where there are greater variables of differing (unsolicited) opinions. In person there is less room for misunderstanding, more room for clarification, and much easier for conversations to be constructive rather than destructive. 

Also, if we truly are concerned that the method another mom is using is unwise according to Scripture, it should most definitely be brought up in a way that’s not going to cause embarrassment in front of others. Even if we do it “passive aggressively” on social media without being specific, it doesn’t honor that person and is more likely to cause more discord than unity. it’s best to gently and humbly bring up our concerns where they can hear our voice, see our face, and know that we’re coming to them out of love, not criticism (and before we go to them, we should always ask the Lord to check our motives and show us if it’s the right time and way to bring it up). 

———–

We’ve been given such a precious gift in our fellow Christian mamas. These relationships have the potential to be a source of godly encouragement, help, and love as we all seek to mother our children to the glory of God. And because our deepest bond is in Jesus, we can still have beautiful fellowship with one another even when our methods on open-handed issues vary. Instead of majoring on the minors, let’s major on Jesus, always seeking to know Him more and point others to Him, too.

Your friend,

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Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. Naomi says

    July 18, 2019 at 2:30 pm

    SO good Heather. Every single word. I will be pointing people to this post when questions arise in these areas!! <3

    Reply
    • Heather says

      July 18, 2019 at 6:57 pm

      Thanks, friend! I really appreciate that! Hope it will be helpful to whoever reads it!

      Reply
  2. Carey says

    August 29, 2019 at 3:26 pm

    This is an excellent post. Well done.

    Reply
    • Heather says

      August 29, 2019 at 7:31 pm

      Thank you so much, Carey! I really appreciate your encouragement.

      Reply

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As I watch the happenings in this world I have an As I watch the happenings in this world I have an ever-increasing ache—a yearning—to be known first and foremost by my allegiance to Jesus Christ.

As I read headlines, hot takes, opinions, debates between fellow believers—praying and seeking to learn and discern—I’m more certain than ever that being a Christian frees us from being defined by or confined to earthly labels in our stances on any given issue. We’re free to champion what God champions, to despise what God despises regardless of how it might be viewed by those around us or what political lines it might cross. We’re free to love those who differ from us, and yes, even free to love those who do us wrong. 

I have strong opinions and thoughts about certain issues—no doubt about it. I disagree with certain thoughts or opinions fellow believers hold. But what I want those brothers and sisters to know about me *first* is that I love them, not how I might disagree with them. Yes, there’s a place to discuss, to sharpen one another, to exhort and encourage, to warn and even to rebuke at times when we see fellow believers straying from Christ. But the world is supposed to know us by our love for each other, not our debates and conflicts. This should temper the “what,” “how,” and “when” of every conversation. 

Some of us are called to stand more publicly against certain evils and injustices than others. We should expect the best of those who aren’t doing or saying exactly what we’re doing or saying (*especially* if we’re defining them by their lack of words on social media. There are faithful Christians who will never say a word about current issues online, but are obeying in word and deed in their in-person spheres). That said, this should *never* be used as an excuse to neglect the actions and words that every Christ-follower must be marked by according to Scripture. And when we find ourselves hesitating to obey any of God’s commands due to another allegiance something needs to change.

Lord, may your people be defined not by causes, but by Christ; not by worldly labels, but by you alone.
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#lookingtoJesus #thegospelchangeseverything #Christcenteredwomanhood
I’ve been thinking about my little fuchsia plant I’ve been thinking about my little fuchsia plant the past few days. I snipped and propagated it from a stunning outdoor hanging plant we had a couple years ago after it scorched in the intense CO sun. After weeks of daily watching I finally saw the roots appear, and replanted it. Fuchsia is special to me, because it’s one of the plants that beautified our windowsills in Mongolia throughout our years there. I love having one in our home.

Recently, though, did a little trimming of this plant. I noticed there were a couple of overly flourishing sprigs; they were so long they were keeping the little plant from filling out. So, as much as I hated to do it, I clipped them off. To my delight, brand new leaves began appearing within days all over the plant.

Why has this been on my mind?  Because it reminded me that sometimes—in order for us to flourish—we need to clip back areas in our lives that are zapping growth. It’s often a painful decision, because they’re usually pastimes or vocations we love. But we know in order to direct time and energy toward our God-given priorities we need to do a little clipping of those gangly offshoots. Although we feel bare for a time, it doesn’t take long for the evidence of growth and life to show itself where it was much needed. 

And guess what? Those clipped offshoots are sitting in a jar in the kitchen, waiting to sprout new roots. They aren’t gone forever, just being prepped to produce life rather than zap it. Sometimes branches do need to be clipped and tossed. Other times they just need to be propagated—waiting for new roots to grow so they can grow and flourish at the right time in the right way.

“Every branch in me that does not bear fruit he takes away, and every branch that does bear fruit he prunes, that it may bear more fruit.” John 15:2
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#lookingtoJesus #plants #Christcenteredwomanhood #fuchsia #ponderings #lessonseverywhere
//Well, it’s all an adventure That comes with a //Well, it’s all an adventure
That comes with a breathtaking view
Walking a tightrope
With you//

The incredible @frostedphotographer took some headshots for us, and she said, “Do you want to snap a few together?” Yes, please. 😍😍😍

Forever thankful for the gift of a life adventure with this man.
//Summer and winter and springtime and harvest, Su //Summer and winter and
springtime and harvest,
Sun, moon, and stars in their
courses above,
Join with all nature in 
manifold witness
to Thy great faithfulness,
mercy, and love//
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#greatisthyfaithfulness #lookingtoJesus #springtime
“Being like Jesus” will never contradict the r “Being like Jesus” will never contradict the rest of Scripture.

Several times as of late I’ve read or heard examples of people using stories of Jesus from the gospels to back up an argument about accepting sin of some kind. They say that if His followers are going to be like Him they need to follow His example—His example by their interpretation, that is.

But the narratives told of Jesus in the Gospels will *never* contradict the specific commands Christ-followers are given in the rest of the New Testament. Jesus never justified a sin we’re commanded to repent of. A sinful attitude never laced His words, no matter how matter-of-fact His rebukes were. Jesus is the Word made flesh. He will never go against His character or commands for His people.

We can be hard-line on sin while being gentle and kind. We can show compassion without compromising truth. We can be loving while holding fast to biblical convictions. We can, and we must.

Jesus is the way, the truth, and the life. Changing Him in any way for our own gain—whether that’s for fleshly gratification or out of fear of others—is making a Jesus in our image. This is a Jesus who cannot save. 

But we have a Jesus who *can* save, who needs no re-making. May we, by His grace, be ever-conforming to Him.
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#lookingtoJesus #Christcenteredwomanhood #Christcenteredliving #truth #love #Jesusislife
“Only God Himself fully appreciates the influenc “Only God Himself fully appreciates the influence of a Christian mother in the molding of character in her children.” 
-Billy Graham

I know without a doubt this is true of my mom. This side of heaven I’ll have no idea what depths her godly influence and faithfulness has had upon me as a wife, mom, and woman in any sphere. I will never forget her telling us, “I’m so thankful I get to spend my days with you.” To have the assurance we were loved and enjoyed on top of all she did for our physical needs was a priceless gift. And, as I prepared to enter into adulthood she not only mentored me, but invited me into friendship with her. There aren’t words to sum up that kind of honor.

Happy Mother’s Day, Mom. Thank you for being willing to love and follow Jesus in whatever He’s asked of you. There is nothing greater you could’ve given to us. I love you.
“My frame was not hidden from you, when I was be “My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret,
intricately woven in the depths of the earth. 
Your eyes saw my unformed substance;
in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them.” Psalm 139:15-16

At the end of every baby book I make for my kids I include a picture of their ultrasound next to a picture of them at a year old. I want them to have no doubt that they have been loved dearly from the moment we found out about them, before we could see them with our own eyes. I want them to know that their lives are gifts, and always have been. I want them to know that every bit of morning sickness, every ache and pain, every labor and delivery, every sleepless night, every urgent care trip, every tear shed, every penny spent, every pursuit that’s been put on hold, every extra mess, every lingering effect on my body are beyond worth it for the privilege of being their mama. For the kiddos who were a surprise to us, I want them to know God knew infinitely better than we did the timing for another child, filling our lives with delight. I want to combat any lie that the enemy and the world that would tell them they’re an inconvenience, a hindrance, a “Plan B,” with assurances of my love and—more importantly—God’s love and perfect plan for them.

I want my children to know I wouldn’t trade them for any career, any worldly accolades, any convenience, any fortune, any temporary ease. They have been used by God as tools to reveal and root out sin, to flood my weakness with the grace of God, to increase my joy. 

On this Mother’s Day weekend, I just want to say: thank you, Lord, for the undeserved gift of my children.
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#gratefulmama #mothersday #childrenareagift #fearfullyandwonderfullymade
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