Heather Cofer

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To Self-Care or Not To Self-Care?

21 Aug

I was getting ready one morning, going through my routine of putting in hair products and applying my 5-minute face (ok, maybe it takes a tiny bit longer than five minutes) like I do every day.

Often this becomes my “thinking time,” and this particular day was no different. As I put on my favorite eye liner and mascara, the thought came:

“What is the most important reason to take care of myself?”

I have lots of answers for why I believe it’s a good idea; It’s a discipline that helps me feel like my job as a mom is important. I know it has plenty of health benefits. I’ve heard that there are connections between taking good care of your body and how it affects your emotional and mental well-being. But what’s the foundation – the deepest ‘why’ – behind its importance? 

What’s the ‘why’?

I see the term “Self-Care” all over the place. And especially for moms, the emphasis on this topic has seemed to explode in recent years. Just about everyday on social media I see memes telling me to make time for it (or for me, rather) – that after days on end of caring for others, I need to just do something for myself because I deserve it. But so much of it just doesn’t sit quite right with me, not because I think that caring for our bodies, minds, and souls is unimportant. It’s the motive – the reason we care for ourselves – that makes all the difference in the world. 

I believe that at its core, the reason we’re to care for ourselves is to bring glory to God. He made us, and we are His (Psalm 100:3). We’re made in His image (Gen. 1:27), and called to glorify Him with these bodies He has given us and bought back from sin and death by the blood of Christ (1 Cor. 6:20). Our bodies, minds, and souls have been given to us as a gift, and as Believers it’s our highest privilege to surrender these to be used to point to our loving and powerful Creator. We are to take care of our body so it can be used effectively to build His Kingdom as much as it’s up to us to do so.

The Problem

The problem with much of the “self-care” stuff out there today is that the foundation isn’t about glorifying God, but glorifying self. When that is the case, it easily becomes a way of justifying over-indulgence, selfishness and discontent. It then turns into something we feel entitled to rather than a gift to be received with humble gratitude. Even is Christians, falling into this self-centered rut can happen before we even make the connection.

So how do we know it’s happened?

Here are a few markers.

We become demanding, irritable, and sorry for ourselves when we don’t get it.
We turn grumpy when we miss getting a shower because the newborn won’t settle down.
We resent our makeup routine being cut short because of needing to clean up spilled milk before rushing out the door.
We give in to self-pity when the budget doesn’t allow for that really nice lotion or those expensive supplements.
We find ourselves spending a little too much because we just had to have that shopping spree.
We feel growing discontent, envying that person’s vacation or this person’s spa day and convincing ourselves we won’t be happy unless we have that, too.

Self-centered self-care can also mean listening to feelings rather than truth. If “self-care” means eating a bowl of ice cream when I’ve already had too much sugar that day, then that’s not actually caring well for myself. Or if I opt for time alone when I know God wanted me to meet a need of someone else’s, that is not ultimately what I needed. Or when I choose to sleep in when I should get up and exercise, that’s not truly what’s best for me. Or when it feels better to browse Instagram than spend time in God’s Word, my feelings are definitely leading me astray. Caring for ourselves well sometimes means having the discipline to do what we don’t want to do, because that is ultimately what is the wisest thing for us. 

Self-Stewardship

A term that Judah and I started using a few years ago is Self-Stewardship. It implies that we’re caring for a body that’s not ultimately ours, but God’s. No matter what term we use in the discussion about taking care of these bodies we’ve been given, the way we as Christians talk about it ultimately needs to shift from self to God (and as a side note, if we do use the term “self-care,” we should think of it as falling into the same category as “self-control” rather than “self-indulgence.”)

When glorifying God becomes the number one motive for taking care of our bodies and minds and souls, there is infinitely greater joy found in it. When we look at it through the lens of honoring the Lord, we can see more clearly what is truly the best way to care for ourselves in each situation. We remember that the first and best way we can care for ourselves is spending time in His presence, allowing Him to minister to our souls as we delight in Him. We see those moments of slipping away to enjoy a cup of coffee or taking a hot shower or getting a haircut (I love getting haircuts) to be undeserved gifts from a loving Heavenly Father. And when we leave this area in His hands, we can joyfully give it up when He calls us to lay down the “right” to our own care to love someone else in His name, just like Jesus did when he “emptied himself, by taking the form of a servant” and “humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross.” (Phil. 2:7-8). 

It’s all for Him

God knows us better than we know ourselves. And when our lives are fully given to Him, He provides exactly what we need when we need it. The more we seek Him, the more our souls are satisfied and refreshed in ways that can be found in no other source. He is our Living Water. Whether we realize it or not, He is our deepest longing and need. When our souls are panting, our hearts parched, and our bodies weary, He is the One who satisfies us and gives us rest (Matt. 11:28; Psalm 42:1). We were made to be fulfilled in Him and Him alone, and if we try to find this anywhere else, we’ll be left extremely wanting. But if we look to Him, we’ll be eternally satisfied. 

So, let’s care for ourselves for the glory of God. He’s beyond worthy.

Your friend,

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Comments

  1. Carey says

    August 29, 2019 at 12:55 pm

    What I have coined in my head as the “anti-self-care movement” I sense from the Evangelical world does not sit well with me. BUT THIS. You have written eloquently and tactfully, honestly and boldly on a subject that needs addressing while allowing that there is still room to care for ourselves. I think the biggest issue (next to the selfishness you nail here) is the lack of community around us. If we were more often in genuine community, we would have people saying, “Sweety, go grab a coffee. I have got your kids for an hour” or “My friend, you need to out down your novel for a night and converse with the Author of if your own life.” Then rather than coming always from this place of “no one cares so I have to do it myself” we would know that someone has our back. Once I was in the fetal position, on the floor, I couldn’t cope with anything much less making dinner. All Paul said to me was, “Why don’t you go get a coffee for a bit? I can do bedtime. Just go.” Suddenly I had the strength to get up and make dinner. I know it sounds manipulative, but I promise the anxiety I was allowing to control me in that moment was very real. But the permission I had been given was freeing. I realized he was not judging me on whether or not I made dinner. That he cared about me and what I was feeling. And with that support I was able to function a little bit better. Long way to say I appreciate how you have handled this. Thank you for the excellent reminder that God is with us and we can honor Him in the ways we care for others AND ourselves.

    Reply
    • Heather says

      August 29, 2019 at 7:30 pm

      Thanks so much for these thoughts, Carey! Yes, I think lack of community is a huge issue. Christian community is so key in helping point us to Jesus and “bearing one another’s burdens.” And this means helping one another take care of ourselves well! Appreciate you!

      Reply

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This past weekend Judah and I had the immense priv This past weekend Judah and I had the immense privilege of witnessing our five-year-old daughter surrender her life to the Lord.

God has used the salvation of my children to remind me of the Gospel that will never grow old, but that too often loses its wonder in my mind’s eye. What a gift that, in a world filled with evil and upheaval, God is quietly revealing that He is at work in the lives of those most precious to me.

I’m brought back to the reality of what Christ has done on our behalf, simple enough for a child to grasp, yet so profound we’ll never understand the half of it (at least not this side of heaven).

[Read the full post from my rejoicing heart at the link in my bio💕]
I’ve been mulling on this 👆🏻. I’m sure t I’ve been mulling on this 👆🏻. I’m sure there will be a multitude of voices today, but I’m going to chance it and add a few comments to the throng.

I’ve been seeing the argument over and over by pro-abortion advocates that we cannot be truly pro-life unless we’re personally adopting every child who is in foster care, providing childcare or tuition fees for every teen mom who chooses to keep their child, or rallying for every social cause. But this is simply not true. Can we not be against human trafficking without personally going and rescuing every single victim? Can we not think sexual assault is wrong without personally investing in every person who’s experienced it? We can and must hold fast to objective truths about right and wrong according to Scripture. When God gives us opportunities to personally give of our time, resources, and energy to love and care for those who are affected by an unexpected pregnancy—whether that’s providing diapers or adopting a child—we should wholeheartedly obey. But if what God is asking of you today is to get on your knees for those babies, mamas, and daddies who are touched by an unexpected pregnancy, remember that this is no less important. God moves when His people cry out to Him in prayer.

There is also the argument floating around that Christians talk big but act little. In other words, we aren’t actually willing to step in and help the babies we’ve wanted to protect in the womb. But if you look at the statistics that’s also false. Professing Christians are far more likely to personally invest time and resources into caring for the vulnerable than the general population (take a look at Josh Howerton’s pinned thread on Twitter as a starting place). Are there those whose lives contradict their words? Of course. God has to convict all of us of hypocrisy to one degree or another. Where we’ve failed to obey we should repent. However, we shouldn’t buy the lie that *every* Christian is failing to love the vulnerable. And, we need to remember that we’re simply responsible to do what God entrusts us with today—no more, no less. 

Lord, help your people to pray faithfully, serve faithfully, and give faithfully for your glory.
I’ll never forget a number of years ago in a her I’ll never forget a number of years ago in a hermeneutics class our teacher saying, “In Ezekiel 16, do you know what sin is listed first as reasons God destroyed Sodom? Pride.”

This struck me to the core. God had been doing a significant work in my life on this very thing. I’d grown up in a Christian home, been a rule-follower, and truly did love Jesus from a young age. That said, it was hard for me to grasp the depth of my sinfulness. I didn’t have a “past” and I’d never been a trouble-maker. But in my early 20’s I began to feel an increasing desperation to know and love Jesus more. As I pressed into Him I sensed Him speaking to my heart: 

“If you want your love for me to grow you need to see what you’ve been saved from.” 

He began exposing the depth of pride and filthy self-righteousness I’d viewed as lesser evils. It was so painful, but so freeing at the same time. I knew I was no better than those who’d committed the vilest atrocities, equally in need of the blood of Christ to “cleanse [me] from all unrighteousness” (1 John 1:9). I truly grasped the reality that not a single ounce of my own effort had contributed to my salvation. I wept over my sin and God’s mercy toward me for the first time.

So in this month that is dedicated to celebrating pride, I want to remember—remember that Jesus can transform anyone who turns to Him in repentance. Remember that Jesus “saved a wretch like me.” 
Remember that Christ gives grace to every person who humbles themselves before Him.
Remember that we are all the same at the foot of the cross.
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#lookingtoJesus #amazinggrace #pride
Our beautiful boy is 1. All the memories surround Our beautiful boy is 1. 
All the memories surrounding his birth are filling my mind and heart today.

This time last year I was in a hospital bed adjusting to the reality of our son coming a month early. I felt so weak, so weary, so unprepared to labor another child from womb to world. It looked like a C-section would be the only option after hours of unimproved heart rate dips. My midwife (whom I’d just met that day) even cried for me (how precious is that?😭). My husband and I prayed for what seemed impossible—a vaginal delivery—and in God’s mercy He chose to grant it. Although it was by far my most painful, difficult birth I was in awe that God had shown such kindness to me. I knew He saw and heard, and was glorified to answer our audacious ask. The midwife and nurse said they’d never seen a turn-around like that in all their years of practicing. 

Little buddy still needed a week in the nicu, yet the Lord revealed His gentleness at every turn—holding my tender, reeling heart in His hands. 

Then, he was home. Yet another answered prayer (they’d projected 3-4 weeks). I’ll never forget the utter joy of his siblings upon his homecoming.

God did not spare me from pain in Jack’s birth story, but instead revealed Himself faithfully and beautifully in the midst of it. When I look at Jack Lewis Cofer, I will always see a testimony of God’s lovingkindness toward me.

Happy Birthday, precious boy. You are a gift I’m unworthy, but so grateful, to steward.
Today I celebrate my dear father. To sum up what Today I celebrate my dear father.

To sum up what I’ve learned from his life would take a post much longer than the word count IG allows. But what I admire the most about him in recent years is seeing a man who consistently grows in wisdom, humility, and joy. He’s one of my favorite people in the world to have deep conversations with—encouraging me to think deeply—and pointing me back to Jesus continually. He’s lived out the declaration in Isaiah 6:8, a passage he loves: “Here I am! Send me.” No words can capture my gratitude for such a rare gift. 

I love you, Dad. Happy Father’s Day.
It’s Father’s Day. And I wholeheartedly celebr It’s Father’s Day. And I wholeheartedly celebrate the dad of our children. 
Men of integrity, faithfulness, wisdom, repentance, and holiness are few in this world. But where they are found, it is a joy to honor them. I praise God for the one found in my own home, relentlessly fighting to fix his eyes on Jesus and obey the call on his life to love, disciple, and shepherd his family.

I adore you, @judahcofer. Happy Father’s Day.
When @naomivacaro asked me about the possibility o When @naomivacaro asked me about the possibility of coming to TGCW with her (and a nearly immediate “do it” from my husband) I was thrilled. Hands down, my favorite part was the hours and hours of time with this dear friend. It was so sweet to meet *so* many Instagram faces in-person, hear lots of messages, buy books, and drink a good deal of coffee. 

Now it’s off to my husband and little people. As they say, there’s no place like home. 💕

Until next time, Indy!
Today I decided to tackle some weeding in a sorely Today I decided to tackle some weeding in a sorely neglected spot in our yard. A couple of weeks ago I noticed a little blanket of a particular weed beginning to grow, but decided to leave it to work on something else, convincing myself it could pass as nice ground-cover while I worked on “more important” projects. 

But a couple days ago I noticed it no longer passed as ground cover.😅

As I tugged at the multitude of weeds, I pondered how unassuming and rather pretty it looks when it’s small. Whimsical, white flowers bloom along it’s vine-y tendrils. But as it grows it slowly takes over everything. It wraps itself around branches and stems, making it difficult to distinguish which is which. If you take a close look at it, it’s very structure is twisted—growing to overpower and overtake.

How like sin these little weeds are—so often seeming harmless and even a delight to the eye. We let it be, thinking it can pass as part of the scenery of our lives. But it’s whole intention is to overtake. It slowly-yet-steadily wraps itself around whatever it can get ahold of, effecting every aspect of our lives. And eventually it’ll choke the life out of us.

No matter how innocent or appealing sin appears, it needs to be dealt with like these weeds: done away with. Given no room to flourish. Pulled up by the root and tossed out with the trash. The enemy of our souls wants to keep us tending these sins, or at least tolerating them. He knows that any inch we give to sin it will take a mile, keeping us from flourishing in the abundant life of Christ we’ve been given. 

Praise God for His grace that gives us the ability to say no to sin, to deal with it ruthlessly. Apart from Him we are slaves to our sin with no hope of freedom—no desire, even, for a life outside the bondage of death. What mercy, what love found in Jesus who died to free us from “the sin which clings so closely” (Hebrews 12). 

May any facade of beauty that sin might hold wither in the face of His glory.
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#lookingtoJesus #weeding #ponderings #Christcenteredwomanhood
“Lord, tether my dreams to reality.” This has “Lord, tether my dreams to reality.”

This has been a prayer I’ve continually lifted as of late.

I, as most do, have passions and interests that fall outside my family and home sphere. I have “one day” pursuits I feel quite strongly about. And the temptation can sometimes be to skimp in the “already here” and put my best efforts into those other desires (which are good things in-and-of themselves).

But here’s the reality: 

• I have one life to live. What I choose today matters.

• God’s priorities for me are worth pursuing with my whole heart, regardless of the messages the world (and sometimes my own heart) shouts at me. Why? Because He’s my Creator and only He gets to say what’s best for my life.

• My God-given priorities *today* include (but are not limited to) loving my husband and raising, training, teaching, loving, nurturing, and protecting five little people He’s entrusted to me. I alone have been granted the privilege of being called “Mommy” by these children, and “wife” of this precious man. Any other pursuits in this season must strengthen—not hinder—these callings. And, I might add, these 6 people are a dream come true.

• Some of those future dreams/pursuits are dependent on my faithfulness here and now. Why? Because every choice today is a seed planted, a stone laid. What will these say about me 20 years from now?

• I ultimately don’t want anything other than what God wants for me. He has the right and ability to change my course as He sees fit. If He chooses to allow those other dreams to come to fruition in His time and way I’ll be thrilled. But if He takes them away, blessed be His name. 

Tethered dreams have time to mature, deepen, be refined or even changed completely with age. Tethered dreams recognize that I can’t see the beginning from the end. Tethered dreams are safe with the One who can.

Lord, tether my dreams to reality.
Your reality.
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#lookingtoJesus #Christcenteredwomanhood
“The triangle of truisms, of father, mother and “The triangle of truisms, of father, mother and child, cannot be destroyed; it can only destroy those civilizations which disregard it.” - G. K. Chesterton

The moral fabric of our society is being shredded to pieces right before our eyes, and the attack on the family is right at the heart of it.

Is there anything more counter-cultural we can do than hold fast to God’s design for family—a husband and wife covenanting to one another until death, bearing and raising children for the glory of God? I doubt it. This seemingly simple stand is being showered with fiery darts. The enemy of our souls would like nothing more than for believers to cave to the pressures and lies of society.

But by God’s grace, we can hold fast to this now-radical, Christ-honoring view of husbands, wives, and children. It might feel insignificant at times. But I have a feeling this obedience in regard to God’s design family is accomplishing far more than we’ll ever know this side of eternity.
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#lookingtoJesus #family #husbandsandwives #children #childrenareagift
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