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The Skill of Unmasking Desire

30 Jan
This week I’m sharing a guest post from a dear friend, Morgan O’Keefe. I love hearing her heart of deep devotion to Christ and her rich expressions of truth.

She drew in a deep breath, finishing a long litany of explanations, emotions, and more than a few accusations. I paused and rested in the silence, ensuring she was truly done.

Then I turned to him. Familiar with the couple, and having enough trust to risk it amidst the tension of the moment, I smiled at him. He knew what I was going to ask.

“What did you hear? Beneath all of that, did you catch what she wants?”

He groaned. “I have no idea!”

And so, for what could be the hundredth time, we unpacked it. We retraced statements, actions, expressions of emotion, and we unmasked the desires behind them. A relational conflict that previously felt incomprehensible to one party (and obvious to the other) was pulled out into the open, stripped of its behaviors and identified for its root. And there, the real change can begin, both for him and for her.

The Harder Work: Identifying the Womb of Desire

In my work as a biblical counselor, I often feel that what I do isn’t very special. Anyone can listen well, think about what they’re hearing, ask insightful questions, and explore how truth applies. Gospel-believing Christians want to make substantial change in their lives and see Christ transform their hearts in radical ways. But when it comes down to actually applying the Gospel in our most challenging daily moments, all of us find this kind of spiritual growth to be excruciatingly slow and difficult. What gives?

I’ve noticed that a common hang up for many people when understanding themselves and others is lack of skill in identifying the desires that shape their behavior. We work hard to humbly identify our actions, but don’t investigate further to locate the puppeteer drawing the strings.

James helpfully identifies a process that we see play out in every day situations, like the conflict between this couple. “But each person is tempted when he is lured and enticed by his own desire. Then desire when it has conceived gives birth to sin, and sin when it is fully grown brings forth death” (James 1:14-15).

If we’re reflective on some level, the first thing we tend to spot is this “death,” the cost of our sin and the sins of others. We feel it in the relational hurt of conflict, the self-loathing of addiction, the blind desperation of anxiety. The presence of this kind of “death” makes most of us search for the sin that we believe was its seed. And then we try really hard to not do it again, thinking we’ve done all the reflecting necessary.

But James’s theology of sin requires us to go further and uncover the desires, the wombs, that give birth to sin, if we’re to truly have victory over it. Desire is not to be confused with sin itself, as desire is more accurately the hunger pangs of appetites given to us by a gracious God. These hunger pangs for worth, love, success, control, or peace (among others), can either draw us to worship of Christ, for their ultimate fulfillment in Him, or they can become incubators for sin, priming us for acts of self-fulfillment. Intentional spiritual growth requires going beyond behavior modification to fight a sin and instead, pressing into the harder work of determining the womb of desire in which it grew to fruition.

Desire in Discipleship

If you’ve stuck with me so far, perhaps you concede that our desires and the things we love are heavily involved in what we do and say on a daily basis. So how do we learn to spot desire? Are all desires bad or good? How are they meant to be fulfilled?

This, I hope, is a beginning to a much larger discussion, as no article can address all of these questions sufficiently. But here are two starting observations that have been fruitful for me as a disciple of Christ, a mom, and a counselor.

1. Gospel transformation requires that we train our desires with Scripture, not just our thoughts or actions.

Here I borrow significantly from a book that I have profited greatly from, “You Are What You Love,” by James K.A. Smith. What Smith refers to as “discipleship,” I am using interchangeably with “gospel transformation” and “spiritual growth” in this article. Much of his book hinges on the idea summarized in this statement: “Discipleship, we might say, is a way to curate your heart, to be attentive to and intentional about what you love.” Discipleship begins with identifying what we desire and shaping what we love to align with what God loves. Biblically training our desires inevitably leads to transformation of our behaviors, which bear either the fruit of life or the fruit of death.

As a mom, it is one of my most important responsibilities to train the appetites of my children. Just as I train their taste buds to appreciate healthy and substantial foods, I aim to help them navigate the desires of their hearts so that they learn what will truly satisfy their longings for love, value, control, etc. It may take longer, but I want Him to have their hearts, not just their behavior.

I want Him to have their hearts, not just their behavior.

As a counselor, this shapes the driving principle of every session: gospel transformation happens as a result of worship. By worship, I mean more than singing songs and lifting our hands, but experiencing awe and wonder as a result of beholding God for who He is and responding with humble surrender. This kind of worship inherently involves our desires and affections because to see God as He is is to love Him. When we behold Him, we are moved to love what He loves and hate what He hates, and so we begin to become like Him. As Smith put it, “Worship is the arena in which God recalibrates our hearts, reforms our desires, and rehabituates our loves. Worship isn’t just something we do; it is where God does something to us. Worship is the heart of discipleship because it is the gymnasium in which God retrains our hearts.” And so, I actively entrust the work of change in a client’s heart to God by pursuing their worship, not just their behavior.

2. If we don’t intentionally shape our desires, the world will shape them for us to its advantage.

There is great irony that, despite many of us being unaware of the desires that are behind all our actions in a day, the commercial enterprises in our marketplace are not. Most, if not all, marketing thrives on our desires. In her book, “How to Break Up With Your Phone,” Catherine Price asserts that social media capitalizes on “the currency of attention,” harnessing it, quantifying it, and ultimately turning around to sell it. But I would go farther to say the world we live in operates on the currency of our desires, stoking them, luring them, and turning around to sell them. Only we are the losers in that exchange, for we leave more bankrupt than we came.

I was profoundly impacted by an observation made by Mike Cosper in his book “Faith Among the Faithless.” He places our desires in the context of fallen humanity, longing for restoration, a “homesickness” of sorts. This can either lead us to worship God as the only fulfillment of that longing, or it can leave us vulnerable to others who would claim our allegiance. Cosper points out: “[Our hunger is] the homesickness of exiled humanity, longing to get back to the satisfying, peace-filled world we were made for. That hunger intensifies in a culture that thrives on stoking it, and stoking our hunger means inflicting wounds. It’s in the interest of our idols— and in the interest of those who profit from our idol worship— to make sure we are feeling small, defeated, depressed, and inadequate. It makes it far easier to separate from our money. Something in the shadows stokes a sorrow in our bellies, preys on our homesick longings, and sends us off to the temples in search of help.”

Essentially, if we don’t identify our hungers for what they are and discipline them, training them in godliness, the world has an app for that and they are ready to sell it to us, promising satisfaction. If we don’t equip ourselves, those we disciple, and our children to unmask their desires and use them as stepping stones back to Christ, those desires will be poked, prodded, and capitalized by the world for its own profit. Our hunger grows worse, not better, when we try to eat from the world’s table. We leave ourselves tremendously vulnerable in our ignorance.

Listen for Desire

And so, my friends, listen for it. Tune your ears to the language of hunger and appetite and longing in the words of others and the chatter of your own mind. It is always present, but often hidden. Let us not settle for modifying our behaviors but dig in to find the desires that birthed them. Let us be faithful friends to one another, helping each other to discover what longings are directing our choices. Let us patiently hone this skill of unmasking desire, so that every hunger pang can point our eyes to Christ, rather than divert us away from Him.

—————

Morgan lives on an island in the Pacific Northwest with her husband and two little ones. She serves the Church as a biblical counselor and her family is in the process of preparing for missions work in London. You can easily find her with her nose in a book or creating in the kitchen. You can follow along with her on her Instagram

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This past weekend Judah and I had the immense priv This past weekend Judah and I had the immense privilege of witnessing our five-year-old daughter surrender her life to the Lord.

God has used the salvation of my children to remind me of the Gospel that will never grow old, but that too often loses its wonder in my mind’s eye. What a gift that, in a world filled with evil and upheaval, God is quietly revealing that He is at work in the lives of those most precious to me.

I’m brought back to the reality of what Christ has done on our behalf, simple enough for a child to grasp, yet so profound we’ll never understand the half of it (at least not this side of heaven).

[Read the full post from my rejoicing heart at the link in my bio💕]
I’ve been mulling on this 👆🏻. I’m sure t I’ve been mulling on this 👆🏻. I’m sure there will be a multitude of voices today, but I’m going to chance it and add a few comments to the throng.

I’ve been seeing the argument over and over by pro-abortion advocates that we cannot be truly pro-life unless we’re personally adopting every child who is in foster care, providing childcare or tuition fees for every teen mom who chooses to keep their child, or rallying for every social cause. But this is simply not true. Can we not be against human trafficking without personally going and rescuing every single victim? Can we not think sexual assault is wrong without personally investing in every person who’s experienced it? We can and must hold fast to objective truths about right and wrong according to Scripture. When God gives us opportunities to personally give of our time, resources, and energy to love and care for those who are affected by an unexpected pregnancy—whether that’s providing diapers or adopting a child—we should wholeheartedly obey. But if what God is asking of you today is to get on your knees for those babies, mamas, and daddies who are touched by an unexpected pregnancy, remember that this is no less important. God moves when His people cry out to Him in prayer.

There is also the argument floating around that Christians talk big but act little. In other words, we aren’t actually willing to step in and help the babies we’ve wanted to protect in the womb. But if you look at the statistics that’s also false. Professing Christians are far more likely to personally invest time and resources into caring for the vulnerable than the general population (take a look at Josh Howerton’s pinned thread on Twitter as a starting place). Are there those whose lives contradict their words? Of course. God has to convict all of us of hypocrisy to one degree or another. Where we’ve failed to obey we should repent. However, we shouldn’t buy the lie that *every* Christian is failing to love the vulnerable. And, we need to remember that we’re simply responsible to do what God entrusts us with today—no more, no less. 

Lord, help your people to pray faithfully, serve faithfully, and give faithfully for your glory.
I’ll never forget a number of years ago in a her I’ll never forget a number of years ago in a hermeneutics class our teacher saying, “In Ezekiel 16, do you know what sin is listed first as reasons God destroyed Sodom? Pride.”

This struck me to the core. God had been doing a significant work in my life on this very thing. I’d grown up in a Christian home, been a rule-follower, and truly did love Jesus from a young age. That said, it was hard for me to grasp the depth of my sinfulness. I didn’t have a “past” and I’d never been a trouble-maker. But in my early 20’s I began to feel an increasing desperation to know and love Jesus more. As I pressed into Him I sensed Him speaking to my heart: 

“If you want your love for me to grow you need to see what you’ve been saved from.” 

He began exposing the depth of pride and filthy self-righteousness I’d viewed as lesser evils. It was so painful, but so freeing at the same time. I knew I was no better than those who’d committed the vilest atrocities, equally in need of the blood of Christ to “cleanse [me] from all unrighteousness” (1 John 1:9). I truly grasped the reality that not a single ounce of my own effort had contributed to my salvation. I wept over my sin and God’s mercy toward me for the first time.

So in this month that is dedicated to celebrating pride, I want to remember—remember that Jesus can transform anyone who turns to Him in repentance. Remember that Jesus “saved a wretch like me.” 
Remember that Christ gives grace to every person who humbles themselves before Him.
Remember that we are all the same at the foot of the cross.
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#lookingtoJesus #amazinggrace #pride
Our beautiful boy is 1. All the memories surround Our beautiful boy is 1. 
All the memories surrounding his birth are filling my mind and heart today.

This time last year I was in a hospital bed adjusting to the reality of our son coming a month early. I felt so weak, so weary, so unprepared to labor another child from womb to world. It looked like a C-section would be the only option after hours of unimproved heart rate dips. My midwife (whom I’d just met that day) even cried for me (how precious is that?😭). My husband and I prayed for what seemed impossible—a vaginal delivery—and in God’s mercy He chose to grant it. Although it was by far my most painful, difficult birth I was in awe that God had shown such kindness to me. I knew He saw and heard, and was glorified to answer our audacious ask. The midwife and nurse said they’d never seen a turn-around like that in all their years of practicing. 

Little buddy still needed a week in the nicu, yet the Lord revealed His gentleness at every turn—holding my tender, reeling heart in His hands. 

Then, he was home. Yet another answered prayer (they’d projected 3-4 weeks). I’ll never forget the utter joy of his siblings upon his homecoming.

God did not spare me from pain in Jack’s birth story, but instead revealed Himself faithfully and beautifully in the midst of it. When I look at Jack Lewis Cofer, I will always see a testimony of God’s lovingkindness toward me.

Happy Birthday, precious boy. You are a gift I’m unworthy, but so grateful, to steward.
Today I celebrate my dear father. To sum up what Today I celebrate my dear father.

To sum up what I’ve learned from his life would take a post much longer than the word count IG allows. But what I admire the most about him in recent years is seeing a man who consistently grows in wisdom, humility, and joy. He’s one of my favorite people in the world to have deep conversations with—encouraging me to think deeply—and pointing me back to Jesus continually. He’s lived out the declaration in Isaiah 6:8, a passage he loves: “Here I am! Send me.” No words can capture my gratitude for such a rare gift. 

I love you, Dad. Happy Father’s Day.
It’s Father’s Day. And I wholeheartedly celebr It’s Father’s Day. And I wholeheartedly celebrate the dad of our children. 
Men of integrity, faithfulness, wisdom, repentance, and holiness are few in this world. But where they are found, it is a joy to honor them. I praise God for the one found in my own home, relentlessly fighting to fix his eyes on Jesus and obey the call on his life to love, disciple, and shepherd his family.

I adore you, @judahcofer. Happy Father’s Day.
When @naomivacaro asked me about the possibility o When @naomivacaro asked me about the possibility of coming to TGCW with her (and a nearly immediate “do it” from my husband) I was thrilled. Hands down, my favorite part was the hours and hours of time with this dear friend. It was so sweet to meet *so* many Instagram faces in-person, hear lots of messages, buy books, and drink a good deal of coffee. 

Now it’s off to my husband and little people. As they say, there’s no place like home. 💕

Until next time, Indy!
Today I decided to tackle some weeding in a sorely Today I decided to tackle some weeding in a sorely neglected spot in our yard. A couple of weeks ago I noticed a little blanket of a particular weed beginning to grow, but decided to leave it to work on something else, convincing myself it could pass as nice ground-cover while I worked on “more important” projects. 

But a couple days ago I noticed it no longer passed as ground cover.😅

As I tugged at the multitude of weeds, I pondered how unassuming and rather pretty it looks when it’s small. Whimsical, white flowers bloom along it’s vine-y tendrils. But as it grows it slowly takes over everything. It wraps itself around branches and stems, making it difficult to distinguish which is which. If you take a close look at it, it’s very structure is twisted—growing to overpower and overtake.

How like sin these little weeds are—so often seeming harmless and even a delight to the eye. We let it be, thinking it can pass as part of the scenery of our lives. But it’s whole intention is to overtake. It slowly-yet-steadily wraps itself around whatever it can get ahold of, effecting every aspect of our lives. And eventually it’ll choke the life out of us.

No matter how innocent or appealing sin appears, it needs to be dealt with like these weeds: done away with. Given no room to flourish. Pulled up by the root and tossed out with the trash. The enemy of our souls wants to keep us tending these sins, or at least tolerating them. He knows that any inch we give to sin it will take a mile, keeping us from flourishing in the abundant life of Christ we’ve been given. 

Praise God for His grace that gives us the ability to say no to sin, to deal with it ruthlessly. Apart from Him we are slaves to our sin with no hope of freedom—no desire, even, for a life outside the bondage of death. What mercy, what love found in Jesus who died to free us from “the sin which clings so closely” (Hebrews 12). 

May any facade of beauty that sin might hold wither in the face of His glory.
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#lookingtoJesus #weeding #ponderings #Christcenteredwomanhood
“Lord, tether my dreams to reality.” This has “Lord, tether my dreams to reality.”

This has been a prayer I’ve continually lifted as of late.

I, as most do, have passions and interests that fall outside my family and home sphere. I have “one day” pursuits I feel quite strongly about. And the temptation can sometimes be to skimp in the “already here” and put my best efforts into those other desires (which are good things in-and-of themselves).

But here’s the reality: 

• I have one life to live. What I choose today matters.

• God’s priorities for me are worth pursuing with my whole heart, regardless of the messages the world (and sometimes my own heart) shouts at me. Why? Because He’s my Creator and only He gets to say what’s best for my life.

• My God-given priorities *today* include (but are not limited to) loving my husband and raising, training, teaching, loving, nurturing, and protecting five little people He’s entrusted to me. I alone have been granted the privilege of being called “Mommy” by these children, and “wife” of this precious man. Any other pursuits in this season must strengthen—not hinder—these callings. And, I might add, these 6 people are a dream come true.

• Some of those future dreams/pursuits are dependent on my faithfulness here and now. Why? Because every choice today is a seed planted, a stone laid. What will these say about me 20 years from now?

• I ultimately don’t want anything other than what God wants for me. He has the right and ability to change my course as He sees fit. If He chooses to allow those other dreams to come to fruition in His time and way I’ll be thrilled. But if He takes them away, blessed be His name. 

Tethered dreams have time to mature, deepen, be refined or even changed completely with age. Tethered dreams recognize that I can’t see the beginning from the end. Tethered dreams are safe with the One who can.

Lord, tether my dreams to reality.
Your reality.
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#lookingtoJesus #Christcenteredwomanhood
“The triangle of truisms, of father, mother and “The triangle of truisms, of father, mother and child, cannot be destroyed; it can only destroy those civilizations which disregard it.” - G. K. Chesterton

The moral fabric of our society is being shredded to pieces right before our eyes, and the attack on the family is right at the heart of it.

Is there anything more counter-cultural we can do than hold fast to God’s design for family—a husband and wife covenanting to one another until death, bearing and raising children for the glory of God? I doubt it. This seemingly simple stand is being showered with fiery darts. The enemy of our souls would like nothing more than for believers to cave to the pressures and lies of society.

But by God’s grace, we can hold fast to this now-radical, Christ-honoring view of husbands, wives, and children. It might feel insignificant at times. But I have a feeling this obedience in regard to God’s design family is accomplishing far more than we’ll ever know this side of eternity.
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#lookingtoJesus #family #husbandsandwives #children #childrenareagift
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