Heather Cofer

  • Home
  • About
  • Recommendations
  • Products
  • Book

The Skill of Unmasking Desire

30 Jan
This week I’m sharing a guest post from a dear friend, Morgan O’Keefe. I love hearing her heart of deep devotion to Christ and her rich expressions of truth.

She drew in a deep breath, finishing a long litany of explanations, emotions, and more than a few accusations. I paused and rested in the silence, ensuring she was truly done.

Then I turned to him. Familiar with the couple, and having enough trust to risk it amidst the tension of the moment, I smiled at him. He knew what I was going to ask.

“What did you hear? Beneath all of that, did you catch what she wants?”

He groaned. “I have no idea!”

And so, for what could be the hundredth time, we unpacked it. We retraced statements, actions, expressions of emotion, and we unmasked the desires behind them. A relational conflict that previously felt incomprehensible to one party (and obvious to the other) was pulled out into the open, stripped of its behaviors and identified for its root. And there, the real change can begin, both for him and for her.

The Harder Work: Identifying the Womb of Desire

In my work as a biblical counselor, I often feel that what I do isn’t very special. Anyone can listen well, think about what they’re hearing, ask insightful questions, and explore how truth applies. Gospel-believing Christians want to make substantial change in their lives and see Christ transform their hearts in radical ways. But when it comes down to actually applying the Gospel in our most challenging daily moments, all of us find this kind of spiritual growth to be excruciatingly slow and difficult. What gives?

I’ve noticed that a common hang up for many people when understanding themselves and others is lack of skill in identifying the desires that shape their behavior. We work hard to humbly identify our actions, but don’t investigate further to locate the puppeteer drawing the strings.

James helpfully identifies a process that we see play out in every day situations, like the conflict between this couple. “But each person is tempted when he is lured and enticed by his own desire. Then desire when it has conceived gives birth to sin, and sin when it is fully grown brings forth death” (James 1:14-15).

If we’re reflective on some level, the first thing we tend to spot is this “death,” the cost of our sin and the sins of others. We feel it in the relational hurt of conflict, the self-loathing of addiction, the blind desperation of anxiety. The presence of this kind of “death” makes most of us search for the sin that we believe was its seed. And then we try really hard to not do it again, thinking we’ve done all the reflecting necessary.

But James’s theology of sin requires us to go further and uncover the desires, the wombs, that give birth to sin, if we’re to truly have victory over it. Desire is not to be confused with sin itself, as desire is more accurately the hunger pangs of appetites given to us by a gracious God. These hunger pangs for worth, love, success, control, or peace (among others), can either draw us to worship of Christ, for their ultimate fulfillment in Him, or they can become incubators for sin, priming us for acts of self-fulfillment. Intentional spiritual growth requires going beyond behavior modification to fight a sin and instead, pressing into the harder work of determining the womb of desire in which it grew to fruition.

Desire in Discipleship

If you’ve stuck with me so far, perhaps you concede that our desires and the things we love are heavily involved in what we do and say on a daily basis. So how do we learn to spot desire? Are all desires bad or good? How are they meant to be fulfilled?

This, I hope, is a beginning to a much larger discussion, as no article can address all of these questions sufficiently. But here are two starting observations that have been fruitful for me as a disciple of Christ, a mom, and a counselor.

1. Gospel transformation requires that we train our desires with Scripture, not just our thoughts or actions.

Here I borrow significantly from a book that I have profited greatly from, “You Are What You Love,” by James K.A. Smith. What Smith refers to as “discipleship,” I am using interchangeably with “gospel transformation” and “spiritual growth” in this article. Much of his book hinges on the idea summarized in this statement: “Discipleship, we might say, is a way to curate your heart, to be attentive to and intentional about what you love.” Discipleship begins with identifying what we desire and shaping what we love to align with what God loves. Biblically training our desires inevitably leads to transformation of our behaviors, which bear either the fruit of life or the fruit of death.

As a mom, it is one of my most important responsibilities to train the appetites of my children. Just as I train their taste buds to appreciate healthy and substantial foods, I aim to help them navigate the desires of their hearts so that they learn what will truly satisfy their longings for love, value, control, etc. It may take longer, but I want Him to have their hearts, not just their behavior.

I want Him to have their hearts, not just their behavior.

As a counselor, this shapes the driving principle of every session: gospel transformation happens as a result of worship. By worship, I mean more than singing songs and lifting our hands, but experiencing awe and wonder as a result of beholding God for who He is and responding with humble surrender. This kind of worship inherently involves our desires and affections because to see God as He is is to love Him. When we behold Him, we are moved to love what He loves and hate what He hates, and so we begin to become like Him. As Smith put it, “Worship is the arena in which God recalibrates our hearts, reforms our desires, and rehabituates our loves. Worship isn’t just something we do; it is where God does something to us. Worship is the heart of discipleship because it is the gymnasium in which God retrains our hearts.” And so, I actively entrust the work of change in a client’s heart to God by pursuing their worship, not just their behavior.

2. If we don’t intentionally shape our desires, the world will shape them for us to its advantage.

There is great irony that, despite many of us being unaware of the desires that are behind all our actions in a day, the commercial enterprises in our marketplace are not. Most, if not all, marketing thrives on our desires. In her book, “How to Break Up With Your Phone,” Catherine Price asserts that social media capitalizes on “the currency of attention,” harnessing it, quantifying it, and ultimately turning around to sell it. But I would go farther to say the world we live in operates on the currency of our desires, stoking them, luring them, and turning around to sell them. Only we are the losers in that exchange, for we leave more bankrupt than we came.

I was profoundly impacted by an observation made by Mike Cosper in his book “Faith Among the Faithless.” He places our desires in the context of fallen humanity, longing for restoration, a “homesickness” of sorts. This can either lead us to worship God as the only fulfillment of that longing, or it can leave us vulnerable to others who would claim our allegiance. Cosper points out: “[Our hunger is] the homesickness of exiled humanity, longing to get back to the satisfying, peace-filled world we were made for. That hunger intensifies in a culture that thrives on stoking it, and stoking our hunger means inflicting wounds. It’s in the interest of our idols— and in the interest of those who profit from our idol worship— to make sure we are feeling small, defeated, depressed, and inadequate. It makes it far easier to separate from our money. Something in the shadows stokes a sorrow in our bellies, preys on our homesick longings, and sends us off to the temples in search of help.”

Essentially, if we don’t identify our hungers for what they are and discipline them, training them in godliness, the world has an app for that and they are ready to sell it to us, promising satisfaction. If we don’t equip ourselves, those we disciple, and our children to unmask their desires and use them as stepping stones back to Christ, those desires will be poked, prodded, and capitalized by the world for its own profit. Our hunger grows worse, not better, when we try to eat from the world’s table. We leave ourselves tremendously vulnerable in our ignorance.

Listen for Desire

And so, my friends, listen for it. Tune your ears to the language of hunger and appetite and longing in the words of others and the chatter of your own mind. It is always present, but often hidden. Let us not settle for modifying our behaviors but dig in to find the desires that birthed them. Let us be faithful friends to one another, helping each other to discover what longings are directing our choices. Let us patiently hone this skill of unmasking desire, so that every hunger pang can point our eyes to Christ, rather than divert us away from Him.

—————

Morgan lives on an island in the Pacific Northwest with her husband and two little ones. She serves the Church as a biblical counselor and her family is in the process of preparing for missions work in London. You can easily find her with her nose in a book or creating in the kitchen. You can follow along with her on her Instagram

Previous Post: « I Signed Up for This
Next Post: My Top 8 “Mom” Hair and Makeup Tips (I’d actually still use these if I wasn’t a mom) »

Reader Interactions

Leave a Reply Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Primary Sidebar

Subscribe

Recent Posts

  • Love and Legalism: Reflections on “Purity Culture”
  • On Rachel Hollis and Harriet Tubman
  • My Top Three Tips for the Blossoming Writer
  • To My Single Sisters: Three Things I Want You to Know
  • Faith and Wisdom: An Exquisite Duo

Archives

  • April 2021
  • March 2021
  • February 2021
  • December 2020
  • November 2020
  • October 2020
  • September 2020
  • August 2020
  • July 2020
  • June 2020
  • May 2020
  • April 2020
  • March 2020
  • February 2020
  • January 2020
  • December 2019
  • November 2019
  • October 2019
  • September 2019
  • August 2019
  • July 2019
  • June 2019

Categories

  • Christian Living
  • Christian Womanhood
  • Expectant
  • Guest Post
  • Life Stewardship
  • Marriage
  • Missions
  • Motherhood
  • Products
  • Resources
  • Uncategorized

Connect

  • Facebook
  • Instagram
  • Twitter

Latest on Instagram

Melody and harmony. I was listening to a one of m Melody and harmony.

I was listening to a one of my favorite artists recently, delighting in their musical beauty. At one point the voice that usually sings harmony sang part of the melody instead, strongly and skillfully; and in that moment it dawned on me:

You have to first know a melody to sing it’s harmony.

Melody and harmony have differences in their notes, but a true harmony will enhance the melody, not fight with it. And they must work perfectly with one another—otherwise it goes from stunning to cringe-worthy in moments.

In the world today there are lots of movements and worldviews and organizations that are being proclaimed as harmonious with the melody of the Gospel (according to the Bible). In reality, though, they aren’t. Maybe if someone doesn’t truly know gospel these could pass as harmonious. Or, if someone tweaks the melody or chooses to ignore the sharp or flat notes, you could say they sound good together. Sometimes, yes, they sound like they fit for a few notes before going wonky. But those who are intent on being faithful to knowing and enhancing the melody—the *true* melody—will not be fooled. The dissonance will be apparent, even if subtle, and won’t be claimed as harmonious for long.

But those ministries and movements who *are* truly harmonious with the melody of the gospel are beautifully obvious. They are working to advance the Kingdom on earth in a way that enhances the tried and true refrain of God’s story. They do not need to tweak what the Bible says; they join with countless voices that have been singing for ages and generations past to harmonize with what always has been and always will be the most beautiful anthem of truth.

May our lives alway be in genuine harmony with the melody of the gospel.
.
.
.
.
.
.
#pondering #truth #harmony #melody #lookingtoJesus #thegospel #Christcenteredliving #Christcenteredwomanhood #music
It’s been almost one year since the launch of th It’s been almost one year since the launch of this book—how is that possible?! It’s been a joy-filled process, and one full of learning curves. The Lord has displayed His faithfulness and kindness many times over as I’ve received encouragement and messages from those of you who have read it and been blessed by it. Praise Him!
.
One of my hopes and prayers has been that there would be 1000 copies out in the world by its first birthday. It would be quite a stretch at this point, but if you’ve been considering buying this for yourself or someone else, now would be the perfect time to do so (the link is in my bio). 
Or, if you have read the book and were blessed by it, would you consider leaving a review on Amazon or Goodreads? This goes a long way in helping it become more visible to expectant mamas who would be encouraged by the message in its pages (marketing is *not* my thing, guys, but my husband tells me it’s still important 😉).
.
Thank you, thank you to each one of you who have bought the book, shared it with others, and left reviews. I know the Lord can be trusted to get this book into the hands of every person who need a fresh reminder to look to Him in the season of pregnancy.
.
Also: stay tuned for a fun giveaway coming up to celebrate the one year mark! 🥳
.
.
.
.
#expectant #pregnancy #Christcenteredpregnancy #expectantbook #pregnancyresource #oneyear
Purity in every sphere of life is an outflow of a Purity in every sphere of life is an outflow of a heart that has been transformed by our Savior. No rules, no self-effort can make us pure, only Jesus can. And, praise Him: He can!
.
(Newest blog post ‘Love and Legalism: Reflections on “Purity Culture”’ at the link in my bio)
.
.
.
.
.
#lookingtoJesus #purity #thegospelchangeseverything #purityculture #biblicalwomanhood #Christcenteredwomanhood #family #Christianfamily #love #biblicallove #sanctification #graceupongrace #Jesusplusnothing
True purity can only be an outflow of a heart that True purity can only be an outflow of a heart that has been purified by the shed blood of Christ. When kids grow up hearing only about outward rules rather than inward transformation, they will certainly grow disillusioned. They will quickly realize as they face the reality of their sexual brokenness that the only way to maintain this outward facade is to be hypocritical, because their hearts have not been changed. And eventually they may throw it all out, because they have been relying on their own effort rather than the hope of the gospel. But when kids are taught to love God first and foremost—when He becomes their passion and pursuit—this is where they will gain a solid foundation and framework on which their theology of purity will stand fast.

New post on the blog! Love and Legalism: Reflections on “Purity Culture”

Link to full post in bio. 💕
.
.
.
.
.
.
#ontheblog #purity #purityculture #biblicalwomanhood #sexualpurity #Christcenteredwomanhood #Christcenteredliving #bloggersofinstagram #Christianblog #womanhoodblog #love #legalism
In the days before Easter I was reading the events In the days before Easter I was reading the events leading up to and surrounding Jesus’ death. In Luke 22:31-32, while Jesus is having His last supper with his disciples, he says this to Peter,

“Simon, Simon, behold, Satan demanded to have you, that he might sift you like wheat, but I have prayed for you that your faith may not fail...”

Is there anything Jesus could have said or done that demonstrates the power of prayer more clearly than this?

Jesus could’ve flat out rebuked Satan. He could’ve just said, “No, you can’t have him.” And Satan would’ve had to submit. But what did Jesus do? He prayed, setting us an example, and in the process made a significant statement about how effectual prayer truly is.

How often do we neglect prayer to try other means of fixing problems? How often do we worry when we could simply bring our cares to Him? How often do we turn to human solutions rather than turning to our Almighty, all-knowing, all-loving Heavenly Father?

I want to be more quick to follow the example of my Savior; to trust that if God says He hears, He hears, and acts on our behalf. I want to make the statement with my lips and life that my hope is ultimately in God, not in myself or any other place.

May prayer be our first turn, today and every day.
.
.
.
.
.
#lookingtoJesus #prayer #theBible #Christcenteredwomanhood
Feeling extra-thankful for this sister-in-love tod Feeling extra-thankful for this sister-in-love today. She brought her first child into the world earlier this week under some scary circumstances, and is now walking through her first days of motherhood with her tiny son in the NICU.

I’m so proud of her and her husband as they cling to the Lord and display such peace in Him.

Please pray for my precious nephew and his parents as they come to mind; that his little body would heal, that his lungs would grow strong, and that they would be able to bring him home soon.
Several weeks ago some dear friends and a family m Several weeks ago some dear friends and a family member experienced really scary scenarios on the same day, both of which could have ended badly; fatally. I praise God that both situations had relief-worthy outcomes, but it got me thinking about the question that so many grapple with:

How could a loving God let bad things happen to good people?

It struck me afresh—we as Christians have the only answer that holds true, eternal hope.

To understand, though, we have to start at the beginning.

God made us and this world, sinless and whole. He could have created us without a choice to love and obey Him—essentially like robots—but being made in His image, He gave us a choice. And we disobeyed. Sin and suffering entered the world because of *us,* not because of God.

And God, being perfectly just, could have rightly allowed us to suffer the eternal punishment for our rebellion against Him. But: He is also perfectly loving. And His justice and love were displayed by taking the punishment for our sin upon Himself. Jesus died in our place, then defeated sin and death by rising again.

Now, anyone who believes in Him is invited into this eternal hope through Jesus. We’re welcomed into His righteousness, giving us something far greater to anticipate beyond this life. The sin and suffering in this broken world are not the end for the followers of Jesus. We have glory awaiting us that will far outweigh even the deepest of suffering we experience now (Romans 8:18). 

When we understand the Gospel, does it diminish the pain here and now? No. But it moves us from the first question to this one:

//Amazing love, how can it be, 
that you, my King, would die for me?//

Because we have a loving God, sin, suffering, and sorrow don’t have the final say. Grief and death will be swallowed in victory. And one day, we’ll experience that resolution in God’s loving, perfect, presence forever and ever. We have hope.
.
.
.
.
#lookingtoJesus #ponderings #thegospelchangeseverything
Load More...
  • About Heather
  • Book
  • Recommendations
  • Products
  • Contact
  • Affiliate

Copyright © 2021 · Refined theme by Restored 316