Heather Cofer

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3 Ways to Fight Perfectionism in Wifehood

22 Apr

“I’ll surprise Judah and clean out that closet this afternoon,”

I thought to myself one morning as I made my daily to-do list. It was a spot that had been asking for some tender, loving care for far too long, and Judah, whose love language is organization (well, one of them), I was sure would be thrilled. 

A good amount  of tossing, dusting, and reconfiguring later, I was giddy to see Judah’s reaction to the closet makeover when he was finished with work.

It didn’t play out quite like I thought it would. 

After getting home late following a taxing work day, he had to rush out right after dinner for an unexpected meeting. He returned at bedtime, exhausted and ready for his head to hit the pillow. Being the man of singular focus that he is (which I love about him), he didn’t even have time to notice the closet. 

My expectations of laudation for completing this long-awaited project had gone down with the sun. Disappointed and slightly grumpy, I didn’t have the heart to point it out to him; instead I hoped for the satisfaction of him discovering it on his own in the morning. 

As I laid in bed, Judah fast asleep beside me, the Lord cut through the sludge of yucky emotions and pricked my heart. What started as a task done in love had turned into a desire for my ego to be stroked. In my pride I wanted to be viewed as a perfect wife for the surprise of cleaning out that closet. My motives had turned from affectionate service to self-focused longing for praise. I knew that my kind Heavenly Father was revealing these wrong sources in order to get me back onto the joy-filled path of doing all for His glory instead of my own. 

I’m going to take a wild guess that I’m not the only one who fights perfectionism in wifehood. The desire to be the best wife for our husbands is a good one—it certainly should be championed, not diminished (which, sadly, happens all-too-often in our western culture). If we’re not watchful, however, that good desire to love and serve our husbands with excellence can turn into striving to find our identity in being the “perfect” wife. We can recognize this shift has happened when rather than joyfully giving of our time and energy to serve our husbands (regardless of whether he notices) we find ourselves instead working for his approval. This leaves us discouraged and disgruntled when we don’t receive the reaction we were hoping for. 

Here are three ways we can actively combat perfectionism and gain God’s heart for wifehood.

1. Remember that Our Worth is Found in Christ 

First and foremost, we must remember that our worth is found in Jesus, not in how well we “perform” as a wife or in any other job description we might have. 

When we are secure in our identity as a redeemed child of God, then—and only then—will we rightfully think about and live out our role as a wife.

Start by meditating on a passage (or passages) of Scripture that speak clearly to our identity in Christ (Rom. 8; 2 Cor 5:17-21; Eph. 2:4-6). This is the reality from which we are to walk out every other calling, including wifehood. When we continually recall that Jesus is our righteousness, our perfection, our joy, our hope, and our satisfaction, we are freed to be an excellent wife while also resting in the fact that it doesn’t define our worth. When we fall short, we know there is grace and forgiveness. When we face steep learning curves, we find hope in the sanctification that God is working in us. And ultimately, we remember that we are wives for the glory of God, able to humbly admit where we are not perfect and point back to His perfection instead. 

2. Husbands and Wives are Mutually Sanctifying for One Another

It’s not easy to come face-to-face with our shortcomings as a wife. But when we realize that both of us are being used by God to sanctify each other, we can be sure that He can and will use even the ways we fall short as an opportunity for both of us to practice the “one another” passages in Scripture on a daily basis.

Christian husbands and wives are first and foremost brothers and sisters in Christ; this is the relationship that will last for eternity. We can tend to hyper-focus on the passages that deal primarily with marriage, but the foundation for a solid marriage is living out the commands that all Christians are called to practice with fellow believers. 

“Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you must also forgive.”

Colossians 3:12-13

When both a husband and wife understand this reality of mutual sanctification, there will be an abundance of grace for one another as we learn and grow together; cultivating an atmosphere of safety as we’re used by God to smooth rough edges and sharpen the strengths of our closest neighbor. 

“Iron sharpens iron, 
and one man sharpens another.”

Proverbs 27:17s

3. We should always be growing

The foundation of a perfectionist mentality is pride, and pride keeps us from growth. Perfectionism makes us defensive when we are challenged to improve (because we’re disappointed that we’re not already viewed as perfect), and makes us sulk when we’re not applauded for our efforts. 

Humility, however, cultivates a teachable spirit. It keeps us from thinking too highly of ourselves, and frees us to serve and love with no strings attached. It fosters joy, because we aren’t serving for what we can gain or how we will be viewed by others, but simply out of love for God and those around us. Humility enables us to see where we can grow and take steps forward in doing so. 

It is incredibly liberating as a wife to realize that it is a very good thing to always be getting better. It lifts the weight off our shoulders of maintaining a certain “standing” in our husband’s (or other’s) eyes, and it keeps us from the continual discouragement that comes when we see the many ways we fall short. 

Ask God to help you reject the pride that hinders us from necessary growth, and embrace the humility that frees us to experience His grace to continually get better. 

“But he gives more grace. Therefore it says, “God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.””

James 4:6

The “ultimate” passage on womanhood—Proverbs 31:10-31—begins with:

“An excellent wife, who can find? She is far more precious than jewels.” (v. 10)

It then goes on to describe the excellencies of this woman. If we are reading this through the eyes of a perfectionist, we will either start making to-do lists out of self-effort (quickly leading to burn-out), or fall into the “depths of despair” (as Anne Shirley would say) because it’s out of reach. 

However. 

If we read this passage through the lens of verse 30, it all falls into perspective:

“Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain,|
but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.”

Being an excellent wife starts with the fear of the Lord. We cannot be an excellent wife apart from God, because true excellence is the outflow of heart that has been transformed by His grace. This should fill us with such hope as we turn our eyes off of our insufficient, imperfect selves onto Christ and His glorious perfection. And as we do so, “we all, with unveiled face, beholding the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from one degree of glory to another.” (2 Cor 3:18)

From one imperfect wife to another, let’s turn our gaze toward Jesus, finding our joy, identity, and fulfillment in Him. 

Your friend,

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My middle-little sister, Holly, has spent the past My middle-little sister, Holly, has spent the past 6+ months in our house fam. There’s a 7 year age difference between us, so when I got married she was just entering her teen years. She lived across the world from me for a good part of the next decade, so when she decided to move up our way for a while I was thrilled. Spending hours of up-close, in-person time together has been a precious gift. Having siblings that become some of your dearest friends is, I’m discovering, one of the greatest joys of adulthood.

Now she’s off to the next chapter. I know God’s going to continue to use her to bless others in significant ways, just as she’s blessed us—this servant-hearted, joy-filled sister of mine. I’m so grateful for you, @holly_sprenger.
As I watch the happenings in this world I have an As I watch the happenings in this world I have an ever-increasing ache—a yearning—to be known first and foremost by my allegiance to Jesus Christ.

As I read headlines, hot takes, opinions, debates between fellow believers—praying and seeking to learn and discern—I’m more certain than ever that being a Christian frees us from being defined by or confined to earthly labels in our stances on any given issue. We’re free to champion what God champions, to despise what God despises regardless of how it might be viewed by those around us or what political lines it might cross. We’re free to love those who differ from us, and yes, even free to love those who do us wrong. 

I have strong opinions and thoughts about certain issues—no doubt about it. I disagree with certain thoughts or opinions fellow believers hold. But what I want those brothers and sisters to know about me *first* is that I love them, not how I might disagree with them. Yes, there’s a place to discuss, to sharpen one another, to exhort and encourage, to warn and even to rebuke at times when we see fellow believers straying from Christ. But the world is supposed to know us by our love for each other, not our debates and conflicts. This should temper the “what,” “how,” and “when” of every conversation. 

Some of us are called to stand more publicly against certain evils and injustices than others. We should expect the best of those who aren’t doing or saying exactly what we’re doing or saying (*especially* if we’re defining them by their lack of words on social media. There are faithful Christians who will never say a word about current issues online, but are obeying in word and deed in their in-person spheres). That said, this should *never* be used as an excuse to neglect the actions and words that every Christ-follower must be marked by according to Scripture. And when we find ourselves hesitating to obey any of God’s commands due to another allegiance something needs to change.

Lord, may your people be defined not by causes, but by Christ; not by worldly labels, but by you alone.
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#lookingtoJesus #thegospelchangeseverything #Christcenteredwomanhood
I’ve been thinking about my little fuchsia plant I’ve been thinking about my little fuchsia plant the past few days. I snipped and propagated it from a stunning outdoor hanging plant we had a couple years ago after it scorched in the intense CO sun. After weeks of daily watching I finally saw the roots appear, and replanted it. Fuchsia is special to me, because it’s one of the plants that beautified our windowsills in Mongolia throughout our years there. I love having one in our home.

Recently, though, did a little trimming of this plant. I noticed there were a couple of overly flourishing sprigs; they were so long they were keeping the little plant from filling out. So, as much as I hated to do it, I clipped them off. To my delight, brand new leaves began appearing within days all over the plant.

Why has this been on my mind?  Because it reminded me that sometimes—in order for us to flourish—we need to clip back areas in our lives that are zapping growth. It’s often a painful decision, because they’re usually pastimes or vocations we love. But we know in order to direct time and energy toward our God-given priorities we need to do a little clipping of those gangly offshoots. Although we feel bare for a time, it doesn’t take long for the evidence of growth and life to show itself where it was much needed. 

And guess what? Those clipped offshoots are sitting in a jar in the kitchen, waiting to sprout new roots. They aren’t gone forever, just being prepped to produce life rather than zap it. Sometimes branches do need to be clipped and tossed. Other times they just need to be propagated—waiting for new roots to grow so they can grow and flourish at the right time in the right way.

“Every branch in me that does not bear fruit he takes away, and every branch that does bear fruit he prunes, that it may bear more fruit.” John 15:2
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#lookingtoJesus #plants #Christcenteredwomanhood #fuchsia #ponderings #lessonseverywhere
//Well, it’s all an adventure That comes with a //Well, it’s all an adventure
That comes with a breathtaking view
Walking a tightrope
With you//

The incredible @frostedphotographer took some headshots for us, and she said, “Do you want to snap a few together?” Yes, please. 😍😍😍

Forever thankful for the gift of a life adventure with this man.
//Summer and winter and springtime and harvest, Su //Summer and winter and
springtime and harvest,
Sun, moon, and stars in their
courses above,
Join with all nature in 
manifold witness
to Thy great faithfulness,
mercy, and love//
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#greatisthyfaithfulness #lookingtoJesus #springtime
“Being like Jesus” will never contradict the r “Being like Jesus” will never contradict the rest of Scripture.

Several times as of late I’ve read or heard examples of people using stories of Jesus from the gospels to back up an argument about accepting sin of some kind. They say that if His followers are going to be like Him they need to follow His example—His example by their interpretation, that is.

But the narratives told of Jesus in the Gospels will *never* contradict the specific commands Christ-followers are given in the rest of the New Testament. Jesus never justified a sin we’re commanded to repent of. A sinful attitude never laced His words, no matter how matter-of-fact His rebukes were. Jesus is the Word made flesh. He will never go against His character or commands for His people.

We can be hard-line on sin while being gentle and kind. We can show compassion without compromising truth. We can be loving while holding fast to biblical convictions. We can, and we must.

Jesus is the way, the truth, and the life. Changing Him in any way for our own gain—whether that’s for fleshly gratification or out of fear of others—is making a Jesus in our image. This is a Jesus who cannot save. 

But we have a Jesus who *can* save, who needs no re-making. May we, by His grace, be ever-conforming to Him.
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#lookingtoJesus #Christcenteredwomanhood #Christcenteredliving #truth #love #Jesusislife
“Only God Himself fully appreciates the influenc “Only God Himself fully appreciates the influence of a Christian mother in the molding of character in her children.” 
-Billy Graham

I know without a doubt this is true of my mom. This side of heaven I’ll have no idea what depths her godly influence and faithfulness has had upon me as a wife, mom, and woman in any sphere. I will never forget her telling us, “I’m so thankful I get to spend my days with you.” To have the assurance we were loved and enjoyed on top of all she did for our physical needs was a priceless gift. And, as I prepared to enter into adulthood she not only mentored me, but invited me into friendship with her. There aren’t words to sum up that kind of honor.

Happy Mother’s Day, Mom. Thank you for being willing to love and follow Jesus in whatever He’s asked of you. There is nothing greater you could’ve given to us. I love you.
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