Heather Cofer

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Love and Legalism: Reflections on “Purity Culture”

15 Apr

I can still see all those book covers in my mind’s eye.

If you’re around my age and grew up in a conservative Christian home, you, too, would probably recognize some of the ones I’m talking about: the publications from the late ‘90’s-early 2000’s on dating (or not dating) and romantic relationships. Compiled, they were a core facet of what has now been termed “Purity Culture.” 

These books and messages had quite the impact on my teenage mind and heart. They played a roll in my decision to keep my first kiss until my wedding day. My parents gave me a purity ring when I was 13, and I was a staunch advocate of walking through romantic relationships to the glory of God. 

And God did graciously and beautifully bring my husband and I together in our late teen years. I suppose people could have called ours a “success” story of this era. I had no idea, however, that even at that time there were some rumblings beginning to shake the foundation of this “purity culture.” And, in the past few years those rumblings have turned into an all-out roar, with many rejecting everything that has a similar flavor to those messages; some even throwing out Christianity altogether. What in the world went wrong?

I’ve spent a good deal of time thinking about this, and have had literally countless discussions with others about dating/courting/romantic relationships. And, with my husband being a pastor for six years, we’ve had many “formal” conversations surrounding this sphere as well. Ask anyone who has spent a good amount of time with me, and they’ll attest to the fact that I literally become giddy over Christ-centered romance, (and am certainly not afraid to show it). 

Since this topic is very close to my heart, I wanted to take a little time to talk about it here. Because, as I mentioned, some would call my love story a “purity culture” success story, but I believe it is more accurately described as a story of God’s mercy and grace in my life due in large part to having a strong foundation in the gospel (my deepest thanks, Dad and Mom, for your faithfulness). And, I am convinced that God can write incredible love stories (or bring healing and redemption) when this area is committed to Him. 

In the rest of the post I’ll address several of the problems that I believe have played into the disillusionment and misconceptions that come along with this particular sphere of purity and romantic relationships. It won’t be fully comprehensive, but I pray it will be helpful.

[Side Note: Not all of the books I mentioned above were “created equal.” if you will. There are some that I would still highly recommend today, and others I definitely would not. That is due in large part to what their emphasis is, which would align (or not) with what I share in this post.]

1. Motivated by Legalism instead of Love

This may be where all the problems with this topic of “purity culture” ultimately stem from: functioning from legalism instead of from love. 

Every act of obedience as a Christian should stem from living out the first and greatest commandment: 

“You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.”

Matthew 22:37

When love for God is our source of obedience, we are empowered by His grace to live in a manner pleasing to Him, and to be continually sanctified to be more and more like Jesus. This then translates into how we interact with others, including our romantic relationships.

Legalism, however, is trying to maintain an outward standard of morality by checking off boxes that make us look good and holy to others. This is not empowered by God’s grace: it’s fueled by self-effort and pride. Legalism cannot change our hearts, so although we might look clean on the outside, the inside isn’t transformed. As Jesus said to the religious leaders who were, in many ways, the embodiment of legalism:

“Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you are like whitewashed tombs, which outwardly appear beautiful, but within are full of dead people’s bones and all uncleanness. So you also outwardly appear righteous to others, but within you are full of hypocrisy and lawlessness.”

Matthew 23:27-28

True purity can only be an outflow of a heart that has been purified by the shed blood of Christ. When kids grow up hearing only about outward rules rather than inward transformation, they will certainly grow disillusioned. They will quickly realize as they face the reality of their sexual brokenness that the only way to maintain this outward facade is to be hypocritical, because their hearts have not been changed. And eventually they may throw it all out, because they have been relying on their own effort rather than the hope of the gospel. But when kids are taught to love God first and foremost—when He becomes their passion and pursuit—this is where they will gain a solid foundation and framework on which their theology of purity will stand fast.

2. Turning Methods into “musts”

Judah and I often talk with others about the difference between principles (musts) and methods. In short, principles are foundational truths that should be lived out by everyone. Methods are the ways in which these are lived out, but can differ from person to person. 

For example, every Christian is called to live in purity: this is a biblical principle that starts in the heart and is an outflow of God’s transforming grace. But the ways this is lived out in various contexts will often vary slightly from person to person; these would be the methods.

For example, someone might decide that they aren’t going to kiss until marriage out of a desire to help them practice purity in their romantic relationships. But if that person then starts telling everyone else that not kissing until marriage is a non-negotiable aspect of being pure, it’s being turned from a method into a principle. That’s where the problems start. Why? Because nowhere in Scripture does it say this is a foundational aspect of “being pure.” Is it often a wise choice? Yes. But you can choose to kiss before marriage while still being careful to honor God and one another through other means (i.e. methods) that help you live out that non-negotiable principle of purity.

Unfortunately, this has happened far too often in the realm of conservative Christian circles. Someone’s good method gets turned into a “must” that everyone now needs to follow in order to be pure. But when kids are taught that purity means keeping and practicing all these methods that aren’t clearly outlined in Scripture, it creates a crack that can allow the enemy to sneak in and undermine everything about the Christian life in their mind and heart. 

This is why a focus on the core aspects – the principles – is so key. Young people need to understand the why behind purity according to the Bible, but this should also fit into the greater context of how we ought to live as Christians. And, they should understand that when a method is put in place, it is simply a means of helping us practice those core principles, not the principle itself. 

3. Overemphasis on physical purity

Often we can overemphasize some good aspect of the Christian life we are passionate about to the unintentional diminishment of other areas. For instance, someone might be very passionate about the judgement of Christ, while forgetting that His love is equally important (and that to understand both correctly they can’t be separated from each other). 

This can easily happen with purity, too. When parents have the desire to see their children steer clear of the heartache that comes with living a promiscuous lifestyle, there can be such a hammering of purity that other aspects of a Spirit-filled life are neglected. But purity can only be correctly understood and lived out when there is a fuller understanding of how it fits into the Christian life as a whole. 

Also, I think it’s important to mention the physical (or sexual) purity is often what is emphasized over purity in general. When we see purity talked about in Scripture it isn’t just addressing the sexual aspect of life: it is holistic, encompassing every facet of living as a believer. It certainly includes sexual/physical purity, but it also involves anything we think about, activities we participate in, how we speak, and so on. And, it all stems from a heart that has been purified by Jesus.

Here are some verses in light of that reality:

“The aim of our charge is love that issues from a pure heart and a good conscience and a sincere faith.”

1 Timothy 1:5

“So flee youthful passions and pursue righteousness, faith, love, and peace, along with those who call on the Lord from a pure heart.”

2 Timothy 2:22

“Religion that is pure and undefiled before God the Father is this: to visit orphans and widows in their affliction, and to keep oneself unstained from the world.”

James 1:27

When people understand purity in the context of the gospel, it finds its rightful place in our minds and hearts. Purity is not something we keep until we get married, but something we are called to live out in every single season regardless of our relationship status.

4. no room for grace

And last, this “purity culture” message often forgets to add that God’s grace is greater than all our sin. I know of too many people who have despaired or thrown out the idea of purity because of mistakes they have made in the past (or in the present) in the area of sexual purity, and think there is no hope for them due to the messages they’ve heard. But that goes completely against the story of the gospel; it leaves out grace.

We are all sinful, broken people apart from Christ. And even as Christians, we will find ourselves in need of continual sanctification and repentance when we do sin (because, we will). This is the very hope of the gospel. Our righteousness is not in “being pure” or anything else, but is only found in Jesus. He is perfect and sinless and has given us everything we need for life and godliness (2 Peter 1:3). So, when we fall short, or those in our lives fall short in the area of purity, it’s critical that we have a firm grasp on grace. 

Is grace an excuse to live however we want? Absolutely not. As Romans 6:1-2 says,

“What shall we say then? Are we to continue in sin that grace may abound? By no means! How can we who died to sin still live in it?”

No, God’s grace brings us out of our sin, and sanctifies us to become more and more like Christ. When we sin in any area, sexual or otherwise, we need to understand that by God’s grace we can repent, resist temptation, and choose to obey His pattern. We must understand that it’s only by His strength—not by our own—that we can obey any of God’s commands for us as His followers.

Does sexual sin have consequences? Yes. But is this outside of God’s beautiful, gracious redemption? No. God can turn anything around that the enemy intended for evil and use it for our good and His glory. 


God is the perfect Designer of life. Which means that He can be trusted with any command He calls us to obey. In Him we find wisdom for everything we need, including the area of purity and romantic relationships. He redeems what was lost, and heals what was broken. And the more we pursue Him, the more we will understand His heart for this and every sphere of life.

Your friend,

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Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. Sheila says

    April 16, 2021 at 2:16 am

    Heather, thankyou so much for sharing this! My husband and I have been talking about this identical subject and God just keeps revealing His Truth to our hearts and aligning us with His Truth. He us such a good good Father ?

    Reply
    • Heather says

      April 22, 2021 at 5:29 am

      You’re very welcome! I’m so thankful to hear that it resonated with what God has been teaching you, too. He is good!

      Reply
  2. Jane says

    May 13, 2021 at 7:01 pm

    Hi Heather! You addressed these issues quite eloquently. The emphasis on legalism and sexual purity seriously impacted my friendships and interactions with the opposite sex. Thank you for calling these things out. I’d love to hear more from you about these things!

    Reply
    • Heather says

      May 14, 2021 at 5:01 am

      I really appreciate your feedback! Thank you for sharing, and for your encouragement.

      Reply

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This past weekend Judah and I had the immense priv This past weekend Judah and I had the immense privilege of witnessing our five-year-old daughter surrender her life to the Lord.

God has used the salvation of my children to remind me of the Gospel that will never grow old, but that too often loses its wonder in my mind’s eye. What a gift that, in a world filled with evil and upheaval, God is quietly revealing that He is at work in the lives of those most precious to me.

I’m brought back to the reality of what Christ has done on our behalf, simple enough for a child to grasp, yet so profound we’ll never understand the half of it (at least not this side of heaven).

[Read the full post from my rejoicing heart at the link in my bio💕]
I’ve been mulling on this 👆🏻. I’m sure t I’ve been mulling on this 👆🏻. I’m sure there will be a multitude of voices today, but I’m going to chance it and add a few comments to the throng.

I’ve been seeing the argument over and over by pro-abortion advocates that we cannot be truly pro-life unless we’re personally adopting every child who is in foster care, providing childcare or tuition fees for every teen mom who chooses to keep their child, or rallying for every social cause. But this is simply not true. Can we not be against human trafficking without personally going and rescuing every single victim? Can we not think sexual assault is wrong without personally investing in every person who’s experienced it? We can and must hold fast to objective truths about right and wrong according to Scripture. When God gives us opportunities to personally give of our time, resources, and energy to love and care for those who are affected by an unexpected pregnancy—whether that’s providing diapers or adopting a child—we should wholeheartedly obey. But if what God is asking of you today is to get on your knees for those babies, mamas, and daddies who are touched by an unexpected pregnancy, remember that this is no less important. God moves when His people cry out to Him in prayer.

There is also the argument floating around that Christians talk big but act little. In other words, we aren’t actually willing to step in and help the babies we’ve wanted to protect in the womb. But if you look at the statistics that’s also false. Professing Christians are far more likely to personally invest time and resources into caring for the vulnerable than the general population (take a look at Josh Howerton’s pinned thread on Twitter as a starting place). Are there those whose lives contradict their words? Of course. God has to convict all of us of hypocrisy to one degree or another. Where we’ve failed to obey we should repent. However, we shouldn’t buy the lie that *every* Christian is failing to love the vulnerable. And, we need to remember that we’re simply responsible to do what God entrusts us with today—no more, no less. 

Lord, help your people to pray faithfully, serve faithfully, and give faithfully for your glory.
I’ll never forget a number of years ago in a her I’ll never forget a number of years ago in a hermeneutics class our teacher saying, “In Ezekiel 16, do you know what sin is listed first as reasons God destroyed Sodom? Pride.”

This struck me to the core. God had been doing a significant work in my life on this very thing. I’d grown up in a Christian home, been a rule-follower, and truly did love Jesus from a young age. That said, it was hard for me to grasp the depth of my sinfulness. I didn’t have a “past” and I’d never been a trouble-maker. But in my early 20’s I began to feel an increasing desperation to know and love Jesus more. As I pressed into Him I sensed Him speaking to my heart: 

“If you want your love for me to grow you need to see what you’ve been saved from.” 

He began exposing the depth of pride and filthy self-righteousness I’d viewed as lesser evils. It was so painful, but so freeing at the same time. I knew I was no better than those who’d committed the vilest atrocities, equally in need of the blood of Christ to “cleanse [me] from all unrighteousness” (1 John 1:9). I truly grasped the reality that not a single ounce of my own effort had contributed to my salvation. I wept over my sin and God’s mercy toward me for the first time.

So in this month that is dedicated to celebrating pride, I want to remember—remember that Jesus can transform anyone who turns to Him in repentance. Remember that Jesus “saved a wretch like me.” 
Remember that Christ gives grace to every person who humbles themselves before Him.
Remember that we are all the same at the foot of the cross.
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#lookingtoJesus #amazinggrace #pride
Our beautiful boy is 1. All the memories surround Our beautiful boy is 1. 
All the memories surrounding his birth are filling my mind and heart today.

This time last year I was in a hospital bed adjusting to the reality of our son coming a month early. I felt so weak, so weary, so unprepared to labor another child from womb to world. It looked like a C-section would be the only option after hours of unimproved heart rate dips. My midwife (whom I’d just met that day) even cried for me (how precious is that?😭). My husband and I prayed for what seemed impossible—a vaginal delivery—and in God’s mercy He chose to grant it. Although it was by far my most painful, difficult birth I was in awe that God had shown such kindness to me. I knew He saw and heard, and was glorified to answer our audacious ask. The midwife and nurse said they’d never seen a turn-around like that in all their years of practicing. 

Little buddy still needed a week in the nicu, yet the Lord revealed His gentleness at every turn—holding my tender, reeling heart in His hands. 

Then, he was home. Yet another answered prayer (they’d projected 3-4 weeks). I’ll never forget the utter joy of his siblings upon his homecoming.

God did not spare me from pain in Jack’s birth story, but instead revealed Himself faithfully and beautifully in the midst of it. When I look at Jack Lewis Cofer, I will always see a testimony of God’s lovingkindness toward me.

Happy Birthday, precious boy. You are a gift I’m unworthy, but so grateful, to steward.
Today I celebrate my dear father. To sum up what Today I celebrate my dear father.

To sum up what I’ve learned from his life would take a post much longer than the word count IG allows. But what I admire the most about him in recent years is seeing a man who consistently grows in wisdom, humility, and joy. He’s one of my favorite people in the world to have deep conversations with—encouraging me to think deeply—and pointing me back to Jesus continually. He’s lived out the declaration in Isaiah 6:8, a passage he loves: “Here I am! Send me.” No words can capture my gratitude for such a rare gift. 

I love you, Dad. Happy Father’s Day.
It’s Father’s Day. And I wholeheartedly celebr It’s Father’s Day. And I wholeheartedly celebrate the dad of our children. 
Men of integrity, faithfulness, wisdom, repentance, and holiness are few in this world. But where they are found, it is a joy to honor them. I praise God for the one found in my own home, relentlessly fighting to fix his eyes on Jesus and obey the call on his life to love, disciple, and shepherd his family.

I adore you, @judahcofer. Happy Father’s Day.
When @naomivacaro asked me about the possibility o When @naomivacaro asked me about the possibility of coming to TGCW with her (and a nearly immediate “do it” from my husband) I was thrilled. Hands down, my favorite part was the hours and hours of time with this dear friend. It was so sweet to meet *so* many Instagram faces in-person, hear lots of messages, buy books, and drink a good deal of coffee. 

Now it’s off to my husband and little people. As they say, there’s no place like home. 💕

Until next time, Indy!
Today I decided to tackle some weeding in a sorely Today I decided to tackle some weeding in a sorely neglected spot in our yard. A couple of weeks ago I noticed a little blanket of a particular weed beginning to grow, but decided to leave it to work on something else, convincing myself it could pass as nice ground-cover while I worked on “more important” projects. 

But a couple days ago I noticed it no longer passed as ground cover.😅

As I tugged at the multitude of weeds, I pondered how unassuming and rather pretty it looks when it’s small. Whimsical, white flowers bloom along it’s vine-y tendrils. But as it grows it slowly takes over everything. It wraps itself around branches and stems, making it difficult to distinguish which is which. If you take a close look at it, it’s very structure is twisted—growing to overpower and overtake.

How like sin these little weeds are—so often seeming harmless and even a delight to the eye. We let it be, thinking it can pass as part of the scenery of our lives. But it’s whole intention is to overtake. It slowly-yet-steadily wraps itself around whatever it can get ahold of, effecting every aspect of our lives. And eventually it’ll choke the life out of us.

No matter how innocent or appealing sin appears, it needs to be dealt with like these weeds: done away with. Given no room to flourish. Pulled up by the root and tossed out with the trash. The enemy of our souls wants to keep us tending these sins, or at least tolerating them. He knows that any inch we give to sin it will take a mile, keeping us from flourishing in the abundant life of Christ we’ve been given. 

Praise God for His grace that gives us the ability to say no to sin, to deal with it ruthlessly. Apart from Him we are slaves to our sin with no hope of freedom—no desire, even, for a life outside the bondage of death. What mercy, what love found in Jesus who died to free us from “the sin which clings so closely” (Hebrews 12). 

May any facade of beauty that sin might hold wither in the face of His glory.
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#lookingtoJesus #weeding #ponderings #Christcenteredwomanhood
“Lord, tether my dreams to reality.” This has “Lord, tether my dreams to reality.”

This has been a prayer I’ve continually lifted as of late.

I, as most do, have passions and interests that fall outside my family and home sphere. I have “one day” pursuits I feel quite strongly about. And the temptation can sometimes be to skimp in the “already here” and put my best efforts into those other desires (which are good things in-and-of themselves).

But here’s the reality: 

• I have one life to live. What I choose today matters.

• God’s priorities for me are worth pursuing with my whole heart, regardless of the messages the world (and sometimes my own heart) shouts at me. Why? Because He’s my Creator and only He gets to say what’s best for my life.

• My God-given priorities *today* include (but are not limited to) loving my husband and raising, training, teaching, loving, nurturing, and protecting five little people He’s entrusted to me. I alone have been granted the privilege of being called “Mommy” by these children, and “wife” of this precious man. Any other pursuits in this season must strengthen—not hinder—these callings. And, I might add, these 6 people are a dream come true.

• Some of those future dreams/pursuits are dependent on my faithfulness here and now. Why? Because every choice today is a seed planted, a stone laid. What will these say about me 20 years from now?

• I ultimately don’t want anything other than what God wants for me. He has the right and ability to change my course as He sees fit. If He chooses to allow those other dreams to come to fruition in His time and way I’ll be thrilled. But if He takes them away, blessed be His name. 

Tethered dreams have time to mature, deepen, be refined or even changed completely with age. Tethered dreams recognize that I can’t see the beginning from the end. Tethered dreams are safe with the One who can.

Lord, tether my dreams to reality.
Your reality.
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#lookingtoJesus #Christcenteredwomanhood
“The triangle of truisms, of father, mother and “The triangle of truisms, of father, mother and child, cannot be destroyed; it can only destroy those civilizations which disregard it.” - G. K. Chesterton

The moral fabric of our society is being shredded to pieces right before our eyes, and the attack on the family is right at the heart of it.

Is there anything more counter-cultural we can do than hold fast to God’s design for family—a husband and wife covenanting to one another until death, bearing and raising children for the glory of God? I doubt it. This seemingly simple stand is being showered with fiery darts. The enemy of our souls would like nothing more than for believers to cave to the pressures and lies of society.

But by God’s grace, we can hold fast to this now-radical, Christ-honoring view of husbands, wives, and children. It might feel insignificant at times. But I have a feeling this obedience in regard to God’s design family is accomplishing far more than we’ll ever know this side of eternity.
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#lookingtoJesus #family #husbandsandwives #children #childrenareagift
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