Heather Cofer

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Love and Legalism: Reflections on “Purity Culture”

15 Apr

I can still see all those book covers in my mind’s eye.

If you’re around my age and grew up in a conservative Christian home, you, too, would probably recognize some of the ones I’m talking about: the publications from the late ‘90’s-early 2000’s on dating (or not dating) and romantic relationships. Compiled, they were a core facet of what has now been termed “Purity Culture.” 

These books and messages had quite the impact on my teenage mind and heart. They played a roll in my decision to keep my first kiss until my wedding day. My parents gave me a purity ring when I was 13, and I was a staunch advocate of walking through romantic relationships to the glory of God. 

And God did graciously and beautifully bring my husband and I together in our late teen years. I suppose people could have called ours a “success” story of this era. I had no idea, however, that even at that time there were some rumblings beginning to shake the foundation of this “purity culture.” And, in the past few years those rumblings have turned into an all-out roar, with many rejecting everything that has a similar flavor to those messages; some even throwing out Christianity altogether. What in the world went wrong?

I’ve spent a good deal of time thinking about this, and have had literally countless discussions with others about dating/courting/romantic relationships. And, with my husband being a pastor for six years, we’ve had many “formal” conversations surrounding this sphere as well. Ask anyone who has spent a good amount of time with me, and they’ll attest to the fact that I literally become giddy over Christ-centered romance, (and am certainly not afraid to show it). 

Since this topic is very close to my heart, I wanted to take a little time to talk about it here. Because, as I mentioned, some would call my love story a “purity culture” success story, but I believe it is more accurately described as a story of God’s mercy and grace in my life due in large part to having a strong foundation in the gospel (my deepest thanks, Dad and Mom, for your faithfulness). And, I am convinced that God can write incredible love stories (or bring healing and redemption) when this area is committed to Him. 

In the rest of the post I’ll address several of the problems that I believe have played into the disillusionment and misconceptions that come along with this particular sphere of purity and romantic relationships. It won’t be fully comprehensive, but I pray it will be helpful.

[Side Note: Not all of the books I mentioned above were “created equal.” if you will. There are some that I would still highly recommend today, and others I definitely would not. That is due in large part to what their emphasis is, which would align (or not) with what I share in this post.]

1. Motivated by Legalism instead of Love

This may be where all the problems with this topic of “purity culture” ultimately stem from: functioning from legalism instead of from love. 

Every act of obedience as a Christian should stem from living out the first and greatest commandment: 

“You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.”

Matthew 22:37

When love for God is our source of obedience, we are empowered by His grace to live in a manner pleasing to Him, and to be continually sanctified to be more and more like Jesus. This then translates into how we interact with others, including our romantic relationships.

Legalism, however, is trying to maintain an outward standard of morality by checking off boxes that make us look good and holy to others. This is not empowered by God’s grace: it’s fueled by self-effort and pride. Legalism cannot change our hearts, so although we might look clean on the outside, the inside isn’t transformed. As Jesus said to the religious leaders who were, in many ways, the embodiment of legalism:

“Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you are like whitewashed tombs, which outwardly appear beautiful, but within are full of dead people’s bones and all uncleanness. So you also outwardly appear righteous to others, but within you are full of hypocrisy and lawlessness.”

Matthew 23:27-28

True purity can only be an outflow of a heart that has been purified by the shed blood of Christ. When kids grow up hearing only about outward rules rather than inward transformation, they will certainly grow disillusioned. They will quickly realize as they face the reality of their sexual brokenness that the only way to maintain this outward facade is to be hypocritical, because their hearts have not been changed. And eventually they may throw it all out, because they have been relying on their own effort rather than the hope of the gospel. But when kids are taught to love God first and foremost—when He becomes their passion and pursuit—this is where they will gain a solid foundation and framework on which their theology of purity will stand fast.

2. Turning Methods into “musts”

Judah and I often talk with others about the difference between principles (musts) and methods. In short, principles are foundational truths that should be lived out by everyone. Methods are the ways in which these are lived out, but can differ from person to person. 

For example, every Christian is called to live in purity: this is a biblical principle that starts in the heart and is an outflow of God’s transforming grace. But the ways this is lived out in various contexts will often vary slightly from person to person; these would be the methods.

For example, someone might decide that they aren’t going to kiss until marriage out of a desire to help them practice purity in their romantic relationships. But if that person then starts telling everyone else that not kissing until marriage is a non-negotiable aspect of being pure, it’s being turned from a method into a principle. That’s where the problems start. Why? Because nowhere in Scripture does it say this is a foundational aspect of “being pure.” Is it often a wise choice? Yes. But you can choose to kiss before marriage while still being careful to honor God and one another through other means (i.e. methods) that help you live out that non-negotiable principle of purity.

Unfortunately, this has happened far too often in the realm of conservative Christian circles. Someone’s good method gets turned into a “must” that everyone now needs to follow in order to be pure. But when kids are taught that purity means keeping and practicing all these methods that aren’t clearly outlined in Scripture, it creates a crack that can allow the enemy to sneak in and undermine everything about the Christian life in their mind and heart. 

This is why a focus on the core aspects – the principles – is so key. Young people need to understand the why behind purity according to the Bible, but this should also fit into the greater context of how we ought to live as Christians. And, they should understand that when a method is put in place, it is simply a means of helping us practice those core principles, not the principle itself. 

3. Overemphasis on physical purity

Often we can overemphasize some good aspect of the Christian life we are passionate about to the unintentional diminishment of other areas. For instance, someone might be very passionate about the judgement of Christ, while forgetting that His love is equally important (and that to understand both correctly they can’t be separated from each other). 

This can easily happen with purity, too. When parents have the desire to see their children steer clear of the heartache that comes with living a promiscuous lifestyle, there can be such a hammering of purity that other aspects of a Spirit-filled life are neglected. But purity can only be correctly understood and lived out when there is a fuller understanding of how it fits into the Christian life as a whole. 

Also, I think it’s important to mention the physical (or sexual) purity is often what is emphasized over purity in general. When we see purity talked about in Scripture it isn’t just addressing the sexual aspect of life: it is holistic, encompassing every facet of living as a believer. It certainly includes sexual/physical purity, but it also involves anything we think about, activities we participate in, how we speak, and so on. And, it all stems from a heart that has been purified by Jesus.

Here are some verses in light of that reality:

“The aim of our charge is love that issues from a pure heart and a good conscience and a sincere faith.”

1 Timothy 1:5

“So flee youthful passions and pursue righteousness, faith, love, and peace, along with those who call on the Lord from a pure heart.”

2 Timothy 2:22

“Religion that is pure and undefiled before God the Father is this: to visit orphans and widows in their affliction, and to keep oneself unstained from the world.”

James 1:27

When people understand purity in the context of the gospel, it finds its rightful place in our minds and hearts. Purity is not something we keep until we get married, but something we are called to live out in every single season regardless of our relationship status.

4. no room for grace

And last, this “purity culture” message often forgets to add that God’s grace is greater than all our sin. I know of too many people who have despaired or thrown out the idea of purity because of mistakes they have made in the past (or in the present) in the area of sexual purity, and think there is no hope for them due to the messages they’ve heard. But that goes completely against the story of the gospel; it leaves out grace.

We are all sinful, broken people apart from Christ. And even as Christians, we will find ourselves in need of continual sanctification and repentance when we do sin (because, we will). This is the very hope of the gospel. Our righteousness is not in “being pure” or anything else, but is only found in Jesus. He is perfect and sinless and has given us everything we need for life and godliness (2 Peter 1:3). So, when we fall short, or those in our lives fall short in the area of purity, it’s critical that we have a firm grasp on grace. 

Is grace an excuse to live however we want? Absolutely not. As Romans 6:1-2 says,

“What shall we say then? Are we to continue in sin that grace may abound? By no means! How can we who died to sin still live in it?”

No, God’s grace brings us out of our sin, and sanctifies us to become more and more like Christ. When we sin in any area, sexual or otherwise, we need to understand that by God’s grace we can repent, resist temptation, and choose to obey His pattern. We must understand that it’s only by His strength—not by our own—that we can obey any of God’s commands for us as His followers.

Does sexual sin have consequences? Yes. But is this outside of God’s beautiful, gracious redemption? No. God can turn anything around that the enemy intended for evil and use it for our good and His glory. 


God is the perfect Designer of life. Which means that He can be trusted with any command He calls us to obey. In Him we find wisdom for everything we need, including the area of purity and romantic relationships. He redeems what was lost, and heals what was broken. And the more we pursue Him, the more we will understand His heart for this and every sphere of life.

Your friend,

Previous Post: « On Rachel Hollis and Harriet Tubman
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Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. Sheila says

    April 16, 2021 at 2:16 am

    Heather, thankyou so much for sharing this! My husband and I have been talking about this identical subject and God just keeps revealing His Truth to our hearts and aligning us with His Truth. He us such a good good Father ?

    Reply
    • Heather says

      April 22, 2021 at 5:29 am

      You’re very welcome! I’m so thankful to hear that it resonated with what God has been teaching you, too. He is good!

      Reply
  2. Jane says

    May 13, 2021 at 7:01 pm

    Hi Heather! You addressed these issues quite eloquently. The emphasis on legalism and sexual purity seriously impacted my friendships and interactions with the opposite sex. Thank you for calling these things out. I’d love to hear more from you about these things!

    Reply
    • Heather says

      May 14, 2021 at 5:01 am

      I really appreciate your feedback! Thank you for sharing, and for your encouragement.

      Reply

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My middle-little sister, Holly, has spent the past My middle-little sister, Holly, has spent the past 6+ months in our house fam. There’s a 7 year age difference between us, so when I got married she was just entering her teen years. She lived across the world from me for a good part of the next decade, so when she decided to move up our way for a while I was thrilled. Spending hours of up-close, in-person time together has been a precious gift. Having siblings that become some of your dearest friends is, I’m discovering, one of the greatest joys of adulthood.

Now she’s off to the next chapter. I know God’s going to continue to use her to bless others in significant ways, just as she’s blessed us—this servant-hearted, joy-filled sister of mine. I’m so grateful for you, @holly_sprenger.
As I watch the happenings in this world I have an As I watch the happenings in this world I have an ever-increasing ache—a yearning—to be known first and foremost by my allegiance to Jesus Christ.

As I read headlines, hot takes, opinions, debates between fellow believers—praying and seeking to learn and discern—I’m more certain than ever that being a Christian frees us from being defined by or confined to earthly labels in our stances on any given issue. We’re free to champion what God champions, to despise what God despises regardless of how it might be viewed by those around us or what political lines it might cross. We’re free to love those who differ from us, and yes, even free to love those who do us wrong. 

I have strong opinions and thoughts about certain issues—no doubt about it. I disagree with certain thoughts or opinions fellow believers hold. But what I want those brothers and sisters to know about me *first* is that I love them, not how I might disagree with them. Yes, there’s a place to discuss, to sharpen one another, to exhort and encourage, to warn and even to rebuke at times when we see fellow believers straying from Christ. But the world is supposed to know us by our love for each other, not our debates and conflicts. This should temper the “what,” “how,” and “when” of every conversation. 

Some of us are called to stand more publicly against certain evils and injustices than others. We should expect the best of those who aren’t doing or saying exactly what we’re doing or saying (*especially* if we’re defining them by their lack of words on social media. There are faithful Christians who will never say a word about current issues online, but are obeying in word and deed in their in-person spheres). That said, this should *never* be used as an excuse to neglect the actions and words that every Christ-follower must be marked by according to Scripture. And when we find ourselves hesitating to obey any of God’s commands due to another allegiance something needs to change.

Lord, may your people be defined not by causes, but by Christ; not by worldly labels, but by you alone.
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#lookingtoJesus #thegospelchangeseverything #Christcenteredwomanhood
I’ve been thinking about my little fuchsia plant I’ve been thinking about my little fuchsia plant the past few days. I snipped and propagated it from a stunning outdoor hanging plant we had a couple years ago after it scorched in the intense CO sun. After weeks of daily watching I finally saw the roots appear, and replanted it. Fuchsia is special to me, because it’s one of the plants that beautified our windowsills in Mongolia throughout our years there. I love having one in our home.

Recently, though, did a little trimming of this plant. I noticed there were a couple of overly flourishing sprigs; they were so long they were keeping the little plant from filling out. So, as much as I hated to do it, I clipped them off. To my delight, brand new leaves began appearing within days all over the plant.

Why has this been on my mind?  Because it reminded me that sometimes—in order for us to flourish—we need to clip back areas in our lives that are zapping growth. It’s often a painful decision, because they’re usually pastimes or vocations we love. But we know in order to direct time and energy toward our God-given priorities we need to do a little clipping of those gangly offshoots. Although we feel bare for a time, it doesn’t take long for the evidence of growth and life to show itself where it was much needed. 

And guess what? Those clipped offshoots are sitting in a jar in the kitchen, waiting to sprout new roots. They aren’t gone forever, just being prepped to produce life rather than zap it. Sometimes branches do need to be clipped and tossed. Other times they just need to be propagated—waiting for new roots to grow so they can grow and flourish at the right time in the right way.

“Every branch in me that does not bear fruit he takes away, and every branch that does bear fruit he prunes, that it may bear more fruit.” John 15:2
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#lookingtoJesus #plants #Christcenteredwomanhood #fuchsia #ponderings #lessonseverywhere
//Well, it’s all an adventure That comes with a //Well, it’s all an adventure
That comes with a breathtaking view
Walking a tightrope
With you//

The incredible @frostedphotographer took some headshots for us, and she said, “Do you want to snap a few together?” Yes, please. 😍😍😍

Forever thankful for the gift of a life adventure with this man.
//Summer and winter and springtime and harvest, Su //Summer and winter and
springtime and harvest,
Sun, moon, and stars in their
courses above,
Join with all nature in 
manifold witness
to Thy great faithfulness,
mercy, and love//
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#greatisthyfaithfulness #lookingtoJesus #springtime
“Being like Jesus” will never contradict the r “Being like Jesus” will never contradict the rest of Scripture.

Several times as of late I’ve read or heard examples of people using stories of Jesus from the gospels to back up an argument about accepting sin of some kind. They say that if His followers are going to be like Him they need to follow His example—His example by their interpretation, that is.

But the narratives told of Jesus in the Gospels will *never* contradict the specific commands Christ-followers are given in the rest of the New Testament. Jesus never justified a sin we’re commanded to repent of. A sinful attitude never laced His words, no matter how matter-of-fact His rebukes were. Jesus is the Word made flesh. He will never go against His character or commands for His people.

We can be hard-line on sin while being gentle and kind. We can show compassion without compromising truth. We can be loving while holding fast to biblical convictions. We can, and we must.

Jesus is the way, the truth, and the life. Changing Him in any way for our own gain—whether that’s for fleshly gratification or out of fear of others—is making a Jesus in our image. This is a Jesus who cannot save. 

But we have a Jesus who *can* save, who needs no re-making. May we, by His grace, be ever-conforming to Him.
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#lookingtoJesus #Christcenteredwomanhood #Christcenteredliving #truth #love #Jesusislife
“Only God Himself fully appreciates the influenc “Only God Himself fully appreciates the influence of a Christian mother in the molding of character in her children.” 
-Billy Graham

I know without a doubt this is true of my mom. This side of heaven I’ll have no idea what depths her godly influence and faithfulness has had upon me as a wife, mom, and woman in any sphere. I will never forget her telling us, “I’m so thankful I get to spend my days with you.” To have the assurance we were loved and enjoyed on top of all she did for our physical needs was a priceless gift. And, as I prepared to enter into adulthood she not only mentored me, but invited me into friendship with her. There aren’t words to sum up that kind of honor.

Happy Mother’s Day, Mom. Thank you for being willing to love and follow Jesus in whatever He’s asked of you. There is nothing greater you could’ve given to us. I love you.
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