Heather Cofer

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Musings from a Decade

6 Aug

Today marks 10 years as Mr. and Mrs. Judah Cofer. 

It went as fast as they said it would. 

How can it be ten years ago that two infatuated 19-year-olds vowed to spend a lifetime with one another? 

Significant milestones often make me contemplative. I love pondering the past; lingering over precious memories and contemplating the learning curves. And this anniversary is no different—perhaps even more so.

Not only are we celebrating 10 years of marriage, but we are also both turning 30 later this year and welcomed our fifth child; It’s a big year. Combined, these elements create a perfect stage for reflecting on what’s behind us, and anticipating what’s ahead. 

There are a myriad of things I’ve learned in the decade I’ve spent as a wife, but decided to share 3 lessons I’ve been musing on lately that have brought some of the greatest strength, love, and unity into our marriage. If you read my anniversary post from last year, some of this will sound familiar. But it’s worth saying again, because it’s just as true now as ever.

Conflict Can Be a Bridge to Greater Closeness

I can’t stand conflict—it goes against every natural fiber of my being. Believe it or not, this factor in-and-of itself created tension in our marriage early on. I would bottle everything up, trying to work through it on my own (even though I was terrible at hiding it) until it got too much, and the emotion would come spilling over in panicky streams of tears. I didn’t know how to handle conflict the right way, and was afraid it would drive a wedge into our relationship.

However, what I’ve learned over time is that conflict handled with humility and patience can become a conduit for greater unity, strength, and love. When two people approach a situation with the desire to grow closer to the other, it changes the way they handle the conversations that lead to reconciliation. Words are chosen more carefully, attitudes are kept in check, and love stays the foundation and motivation. These are several of our rules of thumb that have aided us in working through conflict in a way that has strengthened—rather than weakened—our relationship.

  • No Raised Voices

Before we got married, we decided that we would seek to never raise our voice at one another, and that we’d hold each other to that. By God’s grace, this has been the case. We’ve found that this has been a way to keep emotional temperatures under control, keeping us from saying many things we might later regret. It’s helped us stay level-headed, less defensive, and made it easier to listen to the other. 

  • Pray

Often conflict arises not from blatant wrong, but simply from misunderstandings. Men and women typically communicate differently from one another, and this in itself can cause hurt, confusion, or frustration because we just don’t get each other. There were several times in the first few years of marriage when we had struggles we couldn’t seem to reconcile as hard as we tried. So, we would stop trying to figure it out, and take it to the Lord (sometimes after making a mess of things, but better late than never). And do you know what? God has given wisdom every time to work through the conflict. We’ve had “lightbulb moments” when one or the other (or both) of us have understood something we weren’t grasping before. When we’ve humbled ourselves before the Creator, acknowledging we don’t have what it takes on our own to thrive in our marriage, He’s given us exactly what we need. And by His grace, we’re entering into our second decade of marriage with no unresolved conflict and far greater closeness and understanding of each other than we had in the beginning. 

  • Affirm Our Love and Commitment for One Another

One morning a couple of years into our marriage, something happened that caused tension between us right as Judah was heading to work. I’m someone who feels the need to resolve an issue the moment it arises—it feels like a form of torture to wait to work through it. Judah, knowing this about me, paused in the doorway and looked me in the eyes. “We’ll make time to talk about this as soon as I get home. Don’t worry. I love you.” 

Those words of affirmation were such a gift to me at that moment. And we’ve continued to do this in the midst of every misunderstanding and conflict since: intentionally re-stating our love and commitment to one another. We do this when the other confesses sin, too. We forgive, and we say, “I love you. I’m in this with you.” This reminds us that our battle is not against each other, but against the flesh, the world, and the devil, all of which will do anything to drive us apart if we let them. It reminds us that God is more powerful than all of these, and He is the One who holds this marriage together. 

Growth Takes time

in the beginning of marriage I didn’t anticipate just how long it would take to learn each other, establish new habits as a couple, and grow in nearly every way as we do life together. I recently read a statistic that in the US on average a first marriage lasts only 7 years. This saddens me so much, because it was after our first seven years we started to realize the hard work of learning, listening, and establishing was beginning to pay off. It took 7 years for rhythms to stick and for intentional effort to really bear fruit. But most people in America call it quits before then. Those first seven years can quite literally make or break a marriage. 

Just like the most intricate, stunning works of art take time, so does a beautiful marriage. Investing in marriage as we would in creating a masterpiece is becoming a lost art in our microwave culture. When it gets hard or unexciting, we often call it quits and look for something new. But it’s those things that we tenderly cultivate and intentionally invest in year after year after year that will be the most rewarding. This is why, when we see couples celebrate 50 or 60 years of marriage, we marvel at the beauty and significance they represent. These don’t happen because it was always easy. They happen because they chose to stick it out in the good times and hard times. They chose what was harder in the moment for something better down the road. 

When two people wait on the Lord in a marriage, they will experience the joy of seeing Him at work over the years, growing and shaping it into something it could never otherwise be. He redeems, He convicts, and He sanctifies with each passing year, turning the marriage of two imperfect people into a masterpiece of His grace.

[I just want to add a note here for those who have experienced fractured marriages: God has not forgotten you. He can take tragic circumstances that the enemy intended for evil and turn them for our good and His glory. He has a plan and purpose for you life, and will redeem what has been broken. It may not look like we want it to—you may have been in a marriage that was unsafe, or a spouse who refuses to reconcile. But your life can and will be used as a testimony of His love and grace as you commit yourself and your story to Him.]

A Team in Everything 

It’s far too easy in the midst of normal life to drift apart from our spouse before we even realize it. We seek to do well in work, in caring for the kids, in maintaining friendships and more, and somewhere along the lines, stop placing priority on the marriage. We live in the same house, but have mostly separate lives. 

Judah and I have found that it’s critical to learn to think like a team in everything. Yes, we have our individual spheres of responsibility. I couldn’t fill in at his job, and he can’t nurse a baby. However, we’ve discovered that the more we learn about what the other one is doing, stay connected with how we’re doing in those spheres, and seek the other’s input as much as possible, every part of life becomes interconnected. 

I try as much as possible to learn about the details of Judah’s work so that I can ask him questions beyond, “How was work?”. This gives space for him to share about triumphs and difficulties that require me to understand some of what the inner workings of his job involve. Does a lot of it still go over my head? Yep. But he knows I sincerely desire to enter into his world and be his biggest cheerleader. 

Judah also seeks to be aware and a part of the kid’s and my daily life. He’s helped me figure out rhythms and schedules of home, schooling, and outside tasks so we can dialogue, troubleshoot, and work as a team for our family to thrive. He always knows, too, what writing projects I have, and is my biggest supporter. 

The more areas we’ve intentionally involved each other in, the more we have in common; the more there is to bond over. Our desire is to continually grow closer and closer as a reflection of the reality that we are one in the eyes of God. 


There are many more words I could say about marriage; but I’ll leave it there.

As we step into a new decade, my heart rejoices as I look back at all God has done and anticipate what He will do. He is faithful and true. 

And, Judah: I’d choose you again and again. Thank you for asking me to share a lifetime with you. Happy 10 years, my love.

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Comments

  1. Kathy says

    August 6, 2021 at 6:16 pm

    Congratulations, Heather & Judah! 10 years ago we finally made it to your wedding, having celebrated our 20th anniversary in a gas station somewhere in Italy for one last effort. What a joy to watch you love each other and stimulate one another and your five children to growth in the grace and knowledge of Jesus Christ these past 10 years. It also encourages us to that same end.

    Reply
    • Heather says

      August 7, 2021 at 7:56 pm

      I was just thinking about that, Aunt Kathy! You sacrificed so much time and effort to make it to our wedding. I will forever be grateful you were there. Happy 30th Anniversary!!!!! I love you!

      Reply

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My middle-little sister, Holly, has spent the past My middle-little sister, Holly, has spent the past 6+ months in our house fam. There’s a 7 year age difference between us, so when I got married she was just entering her teen years. She lived across the world from me for a good part of the next decade, so when she decided to move up our way for a while I was thrilled. Spending hours of up-close, in-person time together has been a precious gift. Having siblings that become some of your dearest friends is, I’m discovering, one of the greatest joys of adulthood.

Now she’s off to the next chapter. I know God’s going to continue to use her to bless others in significant ways, just as she’s blessed us—this servant-hearted, joy-filled sister of mine. I’m so grateful for you, @holly_sprenger.
As I watch the happenings in this world I have an As I watch the happenings in this world I have an ever-increasing ache—a yearning—to be known first and foremost by my allegiance to Jesus Christ.

As I read headlines, hot takes, opinions, debates between fellow believers—praying and seeking to learn and discern—I’m more certain than ever that being a Christian frees us from being defined by or confined to earthly labels in our stances on any given issue. We’re free to champion what God champions, to despise what God despises regardless of how it might be viewed by those around us or what political lines it might cross. We’re free to love those who differ from us, and yes, even free to love those who do us wrong. 

I have strong opinions and thoughts about certain issues—no doubt about it. I disagree with certain thoughts or opinions fellow believers hold. But what I want those brothers and sisters to know about me *first* is that I love them, not how I might disagree with them. Yes, there’s a place to discuss, to sharpen one another, to exhort and encourage, to warn and even to rebuke at times when we see fellow believers straying from Christ. But the world is supposed to know us by our love for each other, not our debates and conflicts. This should temper the “what,” “how,” and “when” of every conversation. 

Some of us are called to stand more publicly against certain evils and injustices than others. We should expect the best of those who aren’t doing or saying exactly what we’re doing or saying (*especially* if we’re defining them by their lack of words on social media. There are faithful Christians who will never say a word about current issues online, but are obeying in word and deed in their in-person spheres). That said, this should *never* be used as an excuse to neglect the actions and words that every Christ-follower must be marked by according to Scripture. And when we find ourselves hesitating to obey any of God’s commands due to another allegiance something needs to change.

Lord, may your people be defined not by causes, but by Christ; not by worldly labels, but by you alone.
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#lookingtoJesus #thegospelchangeseverything #Christcenteredwomanhood
I’ve been thinking about my little fuchsia plant I’ve been thinking about my little fuchsia plant the past few days. I snipped and propagated it from a stunning outdoor hanging plant we had a couple years ago after it scorched in the intense CO sun. After weeks of daily watching I finally saw the roots appear, and replanted it. Fuchsia is special to me, because it’s one of the plants that beautified our windowsills in Mongolia throughout our years there. I love having one in our home.

Recently, though, did a little trimming of this plant. I noticed there were a couple of overly flourishing sprigs; they were so long they were keeping the little plant from filling out. So, as much as I hated to do it, I clipped them off. To my delight, brand new leaves began appearing within days all over the plant.

Why has this been on my mind?  Because it reminded me that sometimes—in order for us to flourish—we need to clip back areas in our lives that are zapping growth. It’s often a painful decision, because they’re usually pastimes or vocations we love. But we know in order to direct time and energy toward our God-given priorities we need to do a little clipping of those gangly offshoots. Although we feel bare for a time, it doesn’t take long for the evidence of growth and life to show itself where it was much needed. 

And guess what? Those clipped offshoots are sitting in a jar in the kitchen, waiting to sprout new roots. They aren’t gone forever, just being prepped to produce life rather than zap it. Sometimes branches do need to be clipped and tossed. Other times they just need to be propagated—waiting for new roots to grow so they can grow and flourish at the right time in the right way.

“Every branch in me that does not bear fruit he takes away, and every branch that does bear fruit he prunes, that it may bear more fruit.” John 15:2
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#lookingtoJesus #plants #Christcenteredwomanhood #fuchsia #ponderings #lessonseverywhere
//Well, it’s all an adventure That comes with a //Well, it’s all an adventure
That comes with a breathtaking view
Walking a tightrope
With you//

The incredible @frostedphotographer took some headshots for us, and she said, “Do you want to snap a few together?” Yes, please. 😍😍😍

Forever thankful for the gift of a life adventure with this man.
//Summer and winter and springtime and harvest, Su //Summer and winter and
springtime and harvest,
Sun, moon, and stars in their
courses above,
Join with all nature in 
manifold witness
to Thy great faithfulness,
mercy, and love//
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#greatisthyfaithfulness #lookingtoJesus #springtime
“Being like Jesus” will never contradict the r “Being like Jesus” will never contradict the rest of Scripture.

Several times as of late I’ve read or heard examples of people using stories of Jesus from the gospels to back up an argument about accepting sin of some kind. They say that if His followers are going to be like Him they need to follow His example—His example by their interpretation, that is.

But the narratives told of Jesus in the Gospels will *never* contradict the specific commands Christ-followers are given in the rest of the New Testament. Jesus never justified a sin we’re commanded to repent of. A sinful attitude never laced His words, no matter how matter-of-fact His rebukes were. Jesus is the Word made flesh. He will never go against His character or commands for His people.

We can be hard-line on sin while being gentle and kind. We can show compassion without compromising truth. We can be loving while holding fast to biblical convictions. We can, and we must.

Jesus is the way, the truth, and the life. Changing Him in any way for our own gain—whether that’s for fleshly gratification or out of fear of others—is making a Jesus in our image. This is a Jesus who cannot save. 

But we have a Jesus who *can* save, who needs no re-making. May we, by His grace, be ever-conforming to Him.
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#lookingtoJesus #Christcenteredwomanhood #Christcenteredliving #truth #love #Jesusislife
“Only God Himself fully appreciates the influenc “Only God Himself fully appreciates the influence of a Christian mother in the molding of character in her children.” 
-Billy Graham

I know without a doubt this is true of my mom. This side of heaven I’ll have no idea what depths her godly influence and faithfulness has had upon me as a wife, mom, and woman in any sphere. I will never forget her telling us, “I’m so thankful I get to spend my days with you.” To have the assurance we were loved and enjoyed on top of all she did for our physical needs was a priceless gift. And, as I prepared to enter into adulthood she not only mentored me, but invited me into friendship with her. There aren’t words to sum up that kind of honor.

Happy Mother’s Day, Mom. Thank you for being willing to love and follow Jesus in whatever He’s asked of you. There is nothing greater you could’ve given to us. I love you.
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