Heather Cofer

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Musings from a Decade

6 Aug

Today marks 10 years as Mr. and Mrs. Judah Cofer. 

It went as fast as they said it would. 

How can it be ten years ago that two infatuated 19-year-olds vowed to spend a lifetime with one another? 

Significant milestones often make me contemplative. I love pondering the past; lingering over precious memories and contemplating the learning curves. And this anniversary is no different—perhaps even more so.

Not only are we celebrating 10 years of marriage, but we are also both turning 30 later this year and welcomed our fifth child; It’s a big year. Combined, these elements create a perfect stage for reflecting on what’s behind us, and anticipating what’s ahead. 

There are a myriad of things I’ve learned in the decade I’ve spent as a wife, but decided to share 3 lessons I’ve been musing on lately that have brought some of the greatest strength, love, and unity into our marriage. If you read my anniversary post from last year, some of this will sound familiar. But it’s worth saying again, because it’s just as true now as ever.

Conflict Can Be a Bridge to Greater Closeness

I can’t stand conflict—it goes against every natural fiber of my being. Believe it or not, this factor in-and-of itself created tension in our marriage early on. I would bottle everything up, trying to work through it on my own (even though I was terrible at hiding it) until it got too much, and the emotion would come spilling over in panicky streams of tears. I didn’t know how to handle conflict the right way, and was afraid it would drive a wedge into our relationship.

However, what I’ve learned over time is that conflict handled with humility and patience can become a conduit for greater unity, strength, and love. When two people approach a situation with the desire to grow closer to the other, it changes the way they handle the conversations that lead to reconciliation. Words are chosen more carefully, attitudes are kept in check, and love stays the foundation and motivation. These are several of our rules of thumb that have aided us in working through conflict in a way that has strengthened—rather than weakened—our relationship.

  • No Raised Voices

Before we got married, we decided that we would seek to never raise our voice at one another, and that we’d hold each other to that. By God’s grace, this has been the case. We’ve found that this has been a way to keep emotional temperatures under control, keeping us from saying many things we might later regret. It’s helped us stay level-headed, less defensive, and made it easier to listen to the other. 

  • Pray

Often conflict arises not from blatant wrong, but simply from misunderstandings. Men and women typically communicate differently from one another, and this in itself can cause hurt, confusion, or frustration because we just don’t get each other. There were several times in the first few years of marriage when we had struggles we couldn’t seem to reconcile as hard as we tried. So, we would stop trying to figure it out, and take it to the Lord (sometimes after making a mess of things, but better late than never). And do you know what? God has given wisdom every time to work through the conflict. We’ve had “lightbulb moments” when one or the other (or both) of us have understood something we weren’t grasping before. When we’ve humbled ourselves before the Creator, acknowledging we don’t have what it takes on our own to thrive in our marriage, He’s given us exactly what we need. And by His grace, we’re entering into our second decade of marriage with no unresolved conflict and far greater closeness and understanding of each other than we had in the beginning. 

  • Affirm Our Love and Commitment for One Another

One morning a couple of years into our marriage, something happened that caused tension between us right as Judah was heading to work. I’m someone who feels the need to resolve an issue the moment it arises—it feels like a form of torture to wait to work through it. Judah, knowing this about me, paused in the doorway and looked me in the eyes. “We’ll make time to talk about this as soon as I get home. Don’t worry. I love you.” 

Those words of affirmation were such a gift to me at that moment. And we’ve continued to do this in the midst of every misunderstanding and conflict since: intentionally re-stating our love and commitment to one another. We do this when the other confesses sin, too. We forgive, and we say, “I love you. I’m in this with you.” This reminds us that our battle is not against each other, but against the flesh, the world, and the devil, all of which will do anything to drive us apart if we let them. It reminds us that God is more powerful than all of these, and He is the One who holds this marriage together. 

Growth Takes time

in the beginning of marriage I didn’t anticipate just how long it would take to learn each other, establish new habits as a couple, and grow in nearly every way as we do life together. I recently read a statistic that in the US on average a first marriage lasts only 7 years. This saddens me so much, because it was after our first seven years we started to realize the hard work of learning, listening, and establishing was beginning to pay off. It took 7 years for rhythms to stick and for intentional effort to really bear fruit. But most people in America call it quits before then. Those first seven years can quite literally make or break a marriage. 

Just like the most intricate, stunning works of art take time, so does a beautiful marriage. Investing in marriage as we would in creating a masterpiece is becoming a lost art in our microwave culture. When it gets hard or unexciting, we often call it quits and look for something new. But it’s those things that we tenderly cultivate and intentionally invest in year after year after year that will be the most rewarding. This is why, when we see couples celebrate 50 or 60 years of marriage, we marvel at the beauty and significance they represent. These don’t happen because it was always easy. They happen because they chose to stick it out in the good times and hard times. They chose what was harder in the moment for something better down the road. 

When two people wait on the Lord in a marriage, they will experience the joy of seeing Him at work over the years, growing and shaping it into something it could never otherwise be. He redeems, He convicts, and He sanctifies with each passing year, turning the marriage of two imperfect people into a masterpiece of His grace.

[I just want to add a note here for those who have experienced fractured marriages: God has not forgotten you. He can take tragic circumstances that the enemy intended for evil and turn them for our good and His glory. He has a plan and purpose for you life, and will redeem what has been broken. It may not look like we want it to—you may have been in a marriage that was unsafe, or a spouse who refuses to reconcile. But your life can and will be used as a testimony of His love and grace as you commit yourself and your story to Him.]

A Team in Everything 

It’s far too easy in the midst of normal life to drift apart from our spouse before we even realize it. We seek to do well in work, in caring for the kids, in maintaining friendships and more, and somewhere along the lines, stop placing priority on the marriage. We live in the same house, but have mostly separate lives. 

Judah and I have found that it’s critical to learn to think like a team in everything. Yes, we have our individual spheres of responsibility. I couldn’t fill in at his job, and he can’t nurse a baby. However, we’ve discovered that the more we learn about what the other one is doing, stay connected with how we’re doing in those spheres, and seek the other’s input as much as possible, every part of life becomes interconnected. 

I try as much as possible to learn about the details of Judah’s work so that I can ask him questions beyond, “How was work?”. This gives space for him to share about triumphs and difficulties that require me to understand some of what the inner workings of his job involve. Does a lot of it still go over my head? Yep. But he knows I sincerely desire to enter into his world and be his biggest cheerleader. 

Judah also seeks to be aware and a part of the kid’s and my daily life. He’s helped me figure out rhythms and schedules of home, schooling, and outside tasks so we can dialogue, troubleshoot, and work as a team for our family to thrive. He always knows, too, what writing projects I have, and is my biggest supporter. 

The more areas we’ve intentionally involved each other in, the more we have in common; the more there is to bond over. Our desire is to continually grow closer and closer as a reflection of the reality that we are one in the eyes of God. 


There are many more words I could say about marriage; but I’ll leave it there.

As we step into a new decade, my heart rejoices as I look back at all God has done and anticipate what He will do. He is faithful and true. 

And, Judah: I’d choose you again and again. Thank you for asking me to share a lifetime with you. Happy 10 years, my love.

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  1. Kathy says

    August 6, 2021 at 6:16 pm

    Congratulations, Heather & Judah! 10 years ago we finally made it to your wedding, having celebrated our 20th anniversary in a gas station somewhere in Italy for one last effort. What a joy to watch you love each other and stimulate one another and your five children to growth in the grace and knowledge of Jesus Christ these past 10 years. It also encourages us to that same end.

    Reply
    • Heather says

      August 7, 2021 at 7:56 pm

      I was just thinking about that, Aunt Kathy! You sacrificed so much time and effort to make it to our wedding. I will forever be grateful you were there. Happy 30th Anniversary!!!!! I love you!

      Reply

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This past weekend Judah and I had the immense priv This past weekend Judah and I had the immense privilege of witnessing our five-year-old daughter surrender her life to the Lord.

God has used the salvation of my children to remind me of the Gospel that will never grow old, but that too often loses its wonder in my mind’s eye. What a gift that, in a world filled with evil and upheaval, God is quietly revealing that He is at work in the lives of those most precious to me.

I’m brought back to the reality of what Christ has done on our behalf, simple enough for a child to grasp, yet so profound we’ll never understand the half of it (at least not this side of heaven).

[Read the full post from my rejoicing heart at the link in my bio💕]
I’ve been mulling on this 👆🏻. I’m sure t I’ve been mulling on this 👆🏻. I’m sure there will be a multitude of voices today, but I’m going to chance it and add a few comments to the throng.

I’ve been seeing the argument over and over by pro-abortion advocates that we cannot be truly pro-life unless we’re personally adopting every child who is in foster care, providing childcare or tuition fees for every teen mom who chooses to keep their child, or rallying for every social cause. But this is simply not true. Can we not be against human trafficking without personally going and rescuing every single victim? Can we not think sexual assault is wrong without personally investing in every person who’s experienced it? We can and must hold fast to objective truths about right and wrong according to Scripture. When God gives us opportunities to personally give of our time, resources, and energy to love and care for those who are affected by an unexpected pregnancy—whether that’s providing diapers or adopting a child—we should wholeheartedly obey. But if what God is asking of you today is to get on your knees for those babies, mamas, and daddies who are touched by an unexpected pregnancy, remember that this is no less important. God moves when His people cry out to Him in prayer.

There is also the argument floating around that Christians talk big but act little. In other words, we aren’t actually willing to step in and help the babies we’ve wanted to protect in the womb. But if you look at the statistics that’s also false. Professing Christians are far more likely to personally invest time and resources into caring for the vulnerable than the general population (take a look at Josh Howerton’s pinned thread on Twitter as a starting place). Are there those whose lives contradict their words? Of course. God has to convict all of us of hypocrisy to one degree or another. Where we’ve failed to obey we should repent. However, we shouldn’t buy the lie that *every* Christian is failing to love the vulnerable. And, we need to remember that we’re simply responsible to do what God entrusts us with today—no more, no less. 

Lord, help your people to pray faithfully, serve faithfully, and give faithfully for your glory.
I’ll never forget a number of years ago in a her I’ll never forget a number of years ago in a hermeneutics class our teacher saying, “In Ezekiel 16, do you know what sin is listed first as reasons God destroyed Sodom? Pride.”

This struck me to the core. God had been doing a significant work in my life on this very thing. I’d grown up in a Christian home, been a rule-follower, and truly did love Jesus from a young age. That said, it was hard for me to grasp the depth of my sinfulness. I didn’t have a “past” and I’d never been a trouble-maker. But in my early 20’s I began to feel an increasing desperation to know and love Jesus more. As I pressed into Him I sensed Him speaking to my heart: 

“If you want your love for me to grow you need to see what you’ve been saved from.” 

He began exposing the depth of pride and filthy self-righteousness I’d viewed as lesser evils. It was so painful, but so freeing at the same time. I knew I was no better than those who’d committed the vilest atrocities, equally in need of the blood of Christ to “cleanse [me] from all unrighteousness” (1 John 1:9). I truly grasped the reality that not a single ounce of my own effort had contributed to my salvation. I wept over my sin and God’s mercy toward me for the first time.

So in this month that is dedicated to celebrating pride, I want to remember—remember that Jesus can transform anyone who turns to Him in repentance. Remember that Jesus “saved a wretch like me.” 
Remember that Christ gives grace to every person who humbles themselves before Him.
Remember that we are all the same at the foot of the cross.
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#lookingtoJesus #amazinggrace #pride
Our beautiful boy is 1. All the memories surround Our beautiful boy is 1. 
All the memories surrounding his birth are filling my mind and heart today.

This time last year I was in a hospital bed adjusting to the reality of our son coming a month early. I felt so weak, so weary, so unprepared to labor another child from womb to world. It looked like a C-section would be the only option after hours of unimproved heart rate dips. My midwife (whom I’d just met that day) even cried for me (how precious is that?😭). My husband and I prayed for what seemed impossible—a vaginal delivery—and in God’s mercy He chose to grant it. Although it was by far my most painful, difficult birth I was in awe that God had shown such kindness to me. I knew He saw and heard, and was glorified to answer our audacious ask. The midwife and nurse said they’d never seen a turn-around like that in all their years of practicing. 

Little buddy still needed a week in the nicu, yet the Lord revealed His gentleness at every turn—holding my tender, reeling heart in His hands. 

Then, he was home. Yet another answered prayer (they’d projected 3-4 weeks). I’ll never forget the utter joy of his siblings upon his homecoming.

God did not spare me from pain in Jack’s birth story, but instead revealed Himself faithfully and beautifully in the midst of it. When I look at Jack Lewis Cofer, I will always see a testimony of God’s lovingkindness toward me.

Happy Birthday, precious boy. You are a gift I’m unworthy, but so grateful, to steward.
Today I celebrate my dear father. To sum up what Today I celebrate my dear father.

To sum up what I’ve learned from his life would take a post much longer than the word count IG allows. But what I admire the most about him in recent years is seeing a man who consistently grows in wisdom, humility, and joy. He’s one of my favorite people in the world to have deep conversations with—encouraging me to think deeply—and pointing me back to Jesus continually. He’s lived out the declaration in Isaiah 6:8, a passage he loves: “Here I am! Send me.” No words can capture my gratitude for such a rare gift. 

I love you, Dad. Happy Father’s Day.
It’s Father’s Day. And I wholeheartedly celebr It’s Father’s Day. And I wholeheartedly celebrate the dad of our children. 
Men of integrity, faithfulness, wisdom, repentance, and holiness are few in this world. But where they are found, it is a joy to honor them. I praise God for the one found in my own home, relentlessly fighting to fix his eyes on Jesus and obey the call on his life to love, disciple, and shepherd his family.

I adore you, @judahcofer. Happy Father’s Day.
When @naomivacaro asked me about the possibility o When @naomivacaro asked me about the possibility of coming to TGCW with her (and a nearly immediate “do it” from my husband) I was thrilled. Hands down, my favorite part was the hours and hours of time with this dear friend. It was so sweet to meet *so* many Instagram faces in-person, hear lots of messages, buy books, and drink a good deal of coffee. 

Now it’s off to my husband and little people. As they say, there’s no place like home. 💕

Until next time, Indy!
Today I decided to tackle some weeding in a sorely Today I decided to tackle some weeding in a sorely neglected spot in our yard. A couple of weeks ago I noticed a little blanket of a particular weed beginning to grow, but decided to leave it to work on something else, convincing myself it could pass as nice ground-cover while I worked on “more important” projects. 

But a couple days ago I noticed it no longer passed as ground cover.😅

As I tugged at the multitude of weeds, I pondered how unassuming and rather pretty it looks when it’s small. Whimsical, white flowers bloom along it’s vine-y tendrils. But as it grows it slowly takes over everything. It wraps itself around branches and stems, making it difficult to distinguish which is which. If you take a close look at it, it’s very structure is twisted—growing to overpower and overtake.

How like sin these little weeds are—so often seeming harmless and even a delight to the eye. We let it be, thinking it can pass as part of the scenery of our lives. But it’s whole intention is to overtake. It slowly-yet-steadily wraps itself around whatever it can get ahold of, effecting every aspect of our lives. And eventually it’ll choke the life out of us.

No matter how innocent or appealing sin appears, it needs to be dealt with like these weeds: done away with. Given no room to flourish. Pulled up by the root and tossed out with the trash. The enemy of our souls wants to keep us tending these sins, or at least tolerating them. He knows that any inch we give to sin it will take a mile, keeping us from flourishing in the abundant life of Christ we’ve been given. 

Praise God for His grace that gives us the ability to say no to sin, to deal with it ruthlessly. Apart from Him we are slaves to our sin with no hope of freedom—no desire, even, for a life outside the bondage of death. What mercy, what love found in Jesus who died to free us from “the sin which clings so closely” (Hebrews 12). 

May any facade of beauty that sin might hold wither in the face of His glory.
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#lookingtoJesus #weeding #ponderings #Christcenteredwomanhood
“Lord, tether my dreams to reality.” This has “Lord, tether my dreams to reality.”

This has been a prayer I’ve continually lifted as of late.

I, as most do, have passions and interests that fall outside my family and home sphere. I have “one day” pursuits I feel quite strongly about. And the temptation can sometimes be to skimp in the “already here” and put my best efforts into those other desires (which are good things in-and-of themselves).

But here’s the reality: 

• I have one life to live. What I choose today matters.

• God’s priorities for me are worth pursuing with my whole heart, regardless of the messages the world (and sometimes my own heart) shouts at me. Why? Because He’s my Creator and only He gets to say what’s best for my life.

• My God-given priorities *today* include (but are not limited to) loving my husband and raising, training, teaching, loving, nurturing, and protecting five little people He’s entrusted to me. I alone have been granted the privilege of being called “Mommy” by these children, and “wife” of this precious man. Any other pursuits in this season must strengthen—not hinder—these callings. And, I might add, these 6 people are a dream come true.

• Some of those future dreams/pursuits are dependent on my faithfulness here and now. Why? Because every choice today is a seed planted, a stone laid. What will these say about me 20 years from now?

• I ultimately don’t want anything other than what God wants for me. He has the right and ability to change my course as He sees fit. If He chooses to allow those other dreams to come to fruition in His time and way I’ll be thrilled. But if He takes them away, blessed be His name. 

Tethered dreams have time to mature, deepen, be refined or even changed completely with age. Tethered dreams recognize that I can’t see the beginning from the end. Tethered dreams are safe with the One who can.

Lord, tether my dreams to reality.
Your reality.
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#lookingtoJesus #Christcenteredwomanhood
“The triangle of truisms, of father, mother and “The triangle of truisms, of father, mother and child, cannot be destroyed; it can only destroy those civilizations which disregard it.” - G. K. Chesterton

The moral fabric of our society is being shredded to pieces right before our eyes, and the attack on the family is right at the heart of it.

Is there anything more counter-cultural we can do than hold fast to God’s design for family—a husband and wife covenanting to one another until death, bearing and raising children for the glory of God? I doubt it. This seemingly simple stand is being showered with fiery darts. The enemy of our souls would like nothing more than for believers to cave to the pressures and lies of society.

But by God’s grace, we can hold fast to this now-radical, Christ-honoring view of husbands, wives, and children. It might feel insignificant at times. But I have a feeling this obedience in regard to God’s design family is accomplishing far more than we’ll ever know this side of eternity.
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#lookingtoJesus #family #husbandsandwives #children #childrenareagift
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