Heather Cofer

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Nine Years, Nine Lessons

7 Aug

Nine years ago on August 6, 2011 Judah and I joined our lives together in marriage.

By God’s grace, they have been wonderful years. They’ve most certainly been full of the “normal” aspects that cause friction between two people as they meld their lives together. But this has also brought about some of the most significant and rewarding lessons I’ve learned in my adult years. 

In honor of the past nine years, I’m going to share nine of those lessons here. It was hard to choose just nine, but these encompass a whole lot (and I guess a few years from now I can write another one with more, haha). I grow more and more thankful for the continual refinement that takes place in the covenant of marriage. 

1. Marriage is more about my holiness than my happiness

We read a statement similar to the one above in a book called Sacred Marriage several years ago (incredible book, by the way), but it was simply putting words to something God had been teaching us since the day we said “I Do.” I’m so grateful that we had had godly mentors in our lives who had encouraged us to think in this way from the outset. And although you can only truly learn this once you’re in marriage, it’s still incredibly helpful to have people cheering you on and pointing you in that way even before the marriage journey begins. 

The amazing thing is that when we embrace the reality that becoming holy is more important than pursuing happiness… our happiness actually increases. There is joy that comes from obedience to the Lord, and from becoming more like Him. Holiness and happiness go hand-in-hand. 

2. Humility begets humility 

It’s happened more times than I can count: Judah leading me into humility by his humility. When he  realizes he’s done something wrong, he’ll immediately apologize for it (even if I was more in the wrong than him). It pokes a big hole in my balloon of defensiveness and pride, deflating it and allowing me to see the reality of the situation. It’s helped me grow in my own quickness to take the humble way as I’ve watched the blessing that comes from it. And this is in all areas of life, not just marriage. Don’t get me wrong, I still need the Holy Spirit to do a lot of work, but I praise God for what He’s done already.

Even though humility feels backward and isn’t something the world applauds, I’ve learned that it’s a beautiful way to live.

3. Conflict can bring two people closer together 

I’ve always been one to shy away from conflict – no, actually, run as fast as I can from it. So I was extremely nervous coming into marriage knowing that conflict would certainly arise. But what I’ve learned is that when a husband and wife are both seeking to love the other, understand one another, and keep their emotions in submission to the Spirit, working through conflict actually serves to bring them closer together. 

There’s certainly a wrong way of doing conflict that can cause more hurt and division. In and of ourselves, this is exactly what will happen, because all of us are naturally sinful and selfish. But when a couple submits even their conflicts to the Lord, He can lead and guide in and through them to a greater place of unity and love.

This has been an amazing way of seeing God bring clarity when it felt like we were at an impasse – neither of us understanding at all where the other was coming from. When we’ve chosen to lay these conflicts before the Lord, He has brought wisdom and insight that we didn’t previously have. And, by His grace, there isn’t one conflict that has been left hanging because of it. 

4. I’m not “Mrs. (always) Right”

We live in a world today where the words and ideas of men are being largely belittled, and women are being lifted up as the ones who are usually right. But if I’ve learned anything, it’s that I’m not always right. I’ve learned that I have blind spots just as much as my husband (and probably more… since I can’t see them). There have been countless scenarios when I discovered that taking my husband’s advice or learning to do something his way was truly the best, even when I was absolutely certain it wouldn’t be. This is where the strengths of two people can truly become increased strength in the marriage rather than causing division. 

I’ve come to learn that it’s a very good thing that I’m not always right. 

5. I Can change

Being a creature of habit, too often I naturally get caught in the mindset that I can’t change. This brings about massive amounts of discouragement and hopelessness when I see an area of life that is so in need of improvement. “I can’t get better at being patient with the kids.” “I’ll never be able to care for my home well.” “I will never get better at conversing with people and asking good questions.” “I’ll never support my husband as best I should.” These are a few of the “I can’t change” lies I’ve believed over the years. And who is it who has challenged those the most? Judah. Judah is mister “we can get better.” And this mindset, undergirded by the enabling grace of God, brings such freedom. He has been my biggest motivator and encourager to trust the Lord for change, and then have the courage to pursue it. 

There are so many aspects of my life where the growth started with Judah’s willingness to spur me “further up and further in.” 

6. Establishing good patterns takes time, and that’s ok 

I’m the kind of person who wants to learn something and be an expert at it yesterday. And, this is how I approached marriage. I wanted to be really good at marriage from day 1. Judah and I went into marriage with a high view of it, and I don’t believe we were super idealistic. But still, whenever we ran into an area that we weren’t that great at I embraced it as failure. But what I’ve learned in marriage is that establishing good, biblical, foundational patterns takes intentionality and time. And, that rather than despising the growth process, it’s something to embrace. It takes commitment over the long haul to become well versed in something, even marriage. 

It was into our eighth year of marriage that it dawned on us that some of those patterns we’d been working so hard to establish didn’t actually feel as hard anymore. Yes, we still have to be intentional about cultivating them, but it doesn’t take nearly as much effort. But what if we had given up trying to establish these patterns in year three? Or four? Or seven?  

A quick Google search showed me that the average duration of a marriage is 8.2 years. How people approach those first 8 years of marriage is critical. Couples need to know that establishing healthy patterns takes time, and that that’s not a bad thing. And for Christian couples there’s infinitely more surety of growth than simply establishing good patterns. Why? Because although we have the responsibility to do what’s right, we aren’t ultimately responsible to hold our marriage together – God is. And God can do anything with two people who are committed to loving their spouse out of obedience to Him. 

7. God is more trustworthy than our plans

Oh my, I have no idea how many of our plans have gotten derailed in the course of these past nine years, but I know it’s many. And through each of these changes of plans we’ve learned that God is more trustworthy than our own planning abilities. God knows all things, and we do not. And when He chooses to allow our course to be shifted, we know it will be for our good and His glory. 

There’s a quote that I see circulating fairly often (or variations that have a similar meaning) that comes from a poem by William Henley: “I am the master of my fate, I am the captain of my soul.” But this is actually not the case. God is the Master of our fates and the rightful Captain of our souls. He is our Creator and Lord, the one whose ways are so much higher and better than ours. And even though what He allows our lives to look like is hard to swallow at times, we will learn to trust Him as we see the fruit that comes from seeking and obeying Him. When we keep our eyes on the Lord rather than on what we want, we will be able to leave the course of our lives in His loving and Almighty hands. 

8. It’s better to give than to receive

I think it’s fairly safe to say that most of us go into marriage more excited about what we can get than what we can give, even if we don’t realize it. We’re looking forward to being loved, to being served, to being cherished, to being understood. But it doesn’t take long for conflict to arise when two people are functioning in this “me first” mindset. Finger-pointing matches often follow, each focusing more on the speck in their spouse’s eye than the plank in their own. Or, even if the finger pointing is mostly internal (which is how I am), it turns into a pity party and a hyper focus on all the ways I’m not being loved rather than all the ways I am. 

However, when two people decide to follow the “golden rule” and do what they would want to be done to them (Matthew 7:12), harmony is the natural result. When I’m more focused on my own obedience than the obedience of my husband, there is so much more joy and contentment that comes with it. When I choose to love and serve him without thinking about what I’m receiving in return, the giving becomes purehearted. And, when I do receive love and service from Judah (which is very, very often) it is something I receive as a gift rather than something I’m entitled to. An attitude of selfishness causes thankfulness to shrivel, but a heart of loving service causes gratitude to skyrocket.

9. Intimacy grows better with time 

We live in a world where we’re bombarded with the idea that “new sex” is the best kind. Even as believers who are fighting hard to embrace a biblical mindset of sexuality, most of us have seen some version of the widespread message – from Hollywood or elsewhere – that it’s the flash-in-the-pan, novel, forbidden intimacy that is most exciting and fulfilling (and some of that just comes from our own sinfulness). This can cause a lot of harm when a husband and wife enter into marriage with any of this poisonous ethos shaping their mindset. Because, the reality is, the most beautiful sexual intimacy is cultivated over time in an exclusive marriage relationship. It’s not that the honeymoon days aren’t full of wonder and excitement – they absolutely are. But, there can also be a steep learning curve, for some more than others. And that is absolutely fine. A man and woman don’t have to come into marriage knowing or having experienced a whole bunch already (which is what the world tells us). In fact, the more sexual experience prior to marriage, the more that needs to be worked through in marriage. Even so, God is a God who redeems and transforms and can give us a vision for how He perfectly designed sexuality to be expressed in marriage. 

One thing that was transforming for me was realizing God cares more about this area of our marriage than even we do. This gave the freedom to invite Him in to be our Teacher – to give insight and wisdom when we didn’t have it ourselves. Marriage is the perfect, God-designed place to learn and grow in this sacred aspect of life, and it’s alright if it takes a lifetime.


Well, there you have it: a snippet of what these nine years of marriage have taught me. 


And, I just want to take a moment to encourage those of you who are in really tough marriages or who have experienced past heartbreak in this arena: God can redeem even the most painful of life chapters. It may not mean it looks how we hoped it would. It doesn’t guarantee that we’ll have a spouse that will pursue God like we are. But He can and will work in us in miraculous ways as we submit ourselves to Him. He can use what the enemy intended for evil and turn it around for our good and His glory as we surrender our lives as tools for His mission on earth. No matter what you’ve been through, you are not discounted from having a life story that points others to Him.

Your friend,

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  1. Carol Beth Sprenger says

    August 7, 2020 at 5:01 pm

    Beautiful!!! Praising the Lord!!!

    Reply

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  1. Musings from a Decade says:
    August 6, 2021 at 1:09 pm

    […] that have brought some of the greatest strength, love, and unity into our marriage. If you read my anniversary post from last year, some of this will sound familiar. But it’s worth saying again, because it’s just as true now […]

    Reply

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This past weekend Judah and I had the immense priv This past weekend Judah and I had the immense privilege of witnessing our five-year-old daughter surrender her life to the Lord.

God has used the salvation of my children to remind me of the Gospel that will never grow old, but that too often loses its wonder in my mind’s eye. What a gift that, in a world filled with evil and upheaval, God is quietly revealing that He is at work in the lives of those most precious to me.

I’m brought back to the reality of what Christ has done on our behalf, simple enough for a child to grasp, yet so profound we’ll never understand the half of it (at least not this side of heaven).

[Read the full post from my rejoicing heart at the link in my bio💕]
I’ve been mulling on this 👆🏻. I’m sure t I’ve been mulling on this 👆🏻. I’m sure there will be a multitude of voices today, but I’m going to chance it and add a few comments to the throng.

I’ve been seeing the argument over and over by pro-abortion advocates that we cannot be truly pro-life unless we’re personally adopting every child who is in foster care, providing childcare or tuition fees for every teen mom who chooses to keep their child, or rallying for every social cause. But this is simply not true. Can we not be against human trafficking without personally going and rescuing every single victim? Can we not think sexual assault is wrong without personally investing in every person who’s experienced it? We can and must hold fast to objective truths about right and wrong according to Scripture. When God gives us opportunities to personally give of our time, resources, and energy to love and care for those who are affected by an unexpected pregnancy—whether that’s providing diapers or adopting a child—we should wholeheartedly obey. But if what God is asking of you today is to get on your knees for those babies, mamas, and daddies who are touched by an unexpected pregnancy, remember that this is no less important. God moves when His people cry out to Him in prayer.

There is also the argument floating around that Christians talk big but act little. In other words, we aren’t actually willing to step in and help the babies we’ve wanted to protect in the womb. But if you look at the statistics that’s also false. Professing Christians are far more likely to personally invest time and resources into caring for the vulnerable than the general population (take a look at Josh Howerton’s pinned thread on Twitter as a starting place). Are there those whose lives contradict their words? Of course. God has to convict all of us of hypocrisy to one degree or another. Where we’ve failed to obey we should repent. However, we shouldn’t buy the lie that *every* Christian is failing to love the vulnerable. And, we need to remember that we’re simply responsible to do what God entrusts us with today—no more, no less. 

Lord, help your people to pray faithfully, serve faithfully, and give faithfully for your glory.
I’ll never forget a number of years ago in a her I’ll never forget a number of years ago in a hermeneutics class our teacher saying, “In Ezekiel 16, do you know what sin is listed first as reasons God destroyed Sodom? Pride.”

This struck me to the core. God had been doing a significant work in my life on this very thing. I’d grown up in a Christian home, been a rule-follower, and truly did love Jesus from a young age. That said, it was hard for me to grasp the depth of my sinfulness. I didn’t have a “past” and I’d never been a trouble-maker. But in my early 20’s I began to feel an increasing desperation to know and love Jesus more. As I pressed into Him I sensed Him speaking to my heart: 

“If you want your love for me to grow you need to see what you’ve been saved from.” 

He began exposing the depth of pride and filthy self-righteousness I’d viewed as lesser evils. It was so painful, but so freeing at the same time. I knew I was no better than those who’d committed the vilest atrocities, equally in need of the blood of Christ to “cleanse [me] from all unrighteousness” (1 John 1:9). I truly grasped the reality that not a single ounce of my own effort had contributed to my salvation. I wept over my sin and God’s mercy toward me for the first time.

So in this month that is dedicated to celebrating pride, I want to remember—remember that Jesus can transform anyone who turns to Him in repentance. Remember that Jesus “saved a wretch like me.” 
Remember that Christ gives grace to every person who humbles themselves before Him.
Remember that we are all the same at the foot of the cross.
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#lookingtoJesus #amazinggrace #pride
Our beautiful boy is 1. All the memories surround Our beautiful boy is 1. 
All the memories surrounding his birth are filling my mind and heart today.

This time last year I was in a hospital bed adjusting to the reality of our son coming a month early. I felt so weak, so weary, so unprepared to labor another child from womb to world. It looked like a C-section would be the only option after hours of unimproved heart rate dips. My midwife (whom I’d just met that day) even cried for me (how precious is that?😭). My husband and I prayed for what seemed impossible—a vaginal delivery—and in God’s mercy He chose to grant it. Although it was by far my most painful, difficult birth I was in awe that God had shown such kindness to me. I knew He saw and heard, and was glorified to answer our audacious ask. The midwife and nurse said they’d never seen a turn-around like that in all their years of practicing. 

Little buddy still needed a week in the nicu, yet the Lord revealed His gentleness at every turn—holding my tender, reeling heart in His hands. 

Then, he was home. Yet another answered prayer (they’d projected 3-4 weeks). I’ll never forget the utter joy of his siblings upon his homecoming.

God did not spare me from pain in Jack’s birth story, but instead revealed Himself faithfully and beautifully in the midst of it. When I look at Jack Lewis Cofer, I will always see a testimony of God’s lovingkindness toward me.

Happy Birthday, precious boy. You are a gift I’m unworthy, but so grateful, to steward.
Today I celebrate my dear father. To sum up what Today I celebrate my dear father.

To sum up what I’ve learned from his life would take a post much longer than the word count IG allows. But what I admire the most about him in recent years is seeing a man who consistently grows in wisdom, humility, and joy. He’s one of my favorite people in the world to have deep conversations with—encouraging me to think deeply—and pointing me back to Jesus continually. He’s lived out the declaration in Isaiah 6:8, a passage he loves: “Here I am! Send me.” No words can capture my gratitude for such a rare gift. 

I love you, Dad. Happy Father’s Day.
It’s Father’s Day. And I wholeheartedly celebr It’s Father’s Day. And I wholeheartedly celebrate the dad of our children. 
Men of integrity, faithfulness, wisdom, repentance, and holiness are few in this world. But where they are found, it is a joy to honor them. I praise God for the one found in my own home, relentlessly fighting to fix his eyes on Jesus and obey the call on his life to love, disciple, and shepherd his family.

I adore you, @judahcofer. Happy Father’s Day.
When @naomivacaro asked me about the possibility o When @naomivacaro asked me about the possibility of coming to TGCW with her (and a nearly immediate “do it” from my husband) I was thrilled. Hands down, my favorite part was the hours and hours of time with this dear friend. It was so sweet to meet *so* many Instagram faces in-person, hear lots of messages, buy books, and drink a good deal of coffee. 

Now it’s off to my husband and little people. As they say, there’s no place like home. 💕

Until next time, Indy!
Today I decided to tackle some weeding in a sorely Today I decided to tackle some weeding in a sorely neglected spot in our yard. A couple of weeks ago I noticed a little blanket of a particular weed beginning to grow, but decided to leave it to work on something else, convincing myself it could pass as nice ground-cover while I worked on “more important” projects. 

But a couple days ago I noticed it no longer passed as ground cover.😅

As I tugged at the multitude of weeds, I pondered how unassuming and rather pretty it looks when it’s small. Whimsical, white flowers bloom along it’s vine-y tendrils. But as it grows it slowly takes over everything. It wraps itself around branches and stems, making it difficult to distinguish which is which. If you take a close look at it, it’s very structure is twisted—growing to overpower and overtake.

How like sin these little weeds are—so often seeming harmless and even a delight to the eye. We let it be, thinking it can pass as part of the scenery of our lives. But it’s whole intention is to overtake. It slowly-yet-steadily wraps itself around whatever it can get ahold of, effecting every aspect of our lives. And eventually it’ll choke the life out of us.

No matter how innocent or appealing sin appears, it needs to be dealt with like these weeds: done away with. Given no room to flourish. Pulled up by the root and tossed out with the trash. The enemy of our souls wants to keep us tending these sins, or at least tolerating them. He knows that any inch we give to sin it will take a mile, keeping us from flourishing in the abundant life of Christ we’ve been given. 

Praise God for His grace that gives us the ability to say no to sin, to deal with it ruthlessly. Apart from Him we are slaves to our sin with no hope of freedom—no desire, even, for a life outside the bondage of death. What mercy, what love found in Jesus who died to free us from “the sin which clings so closely” (Hebrews 12). 

May any facade of beauty that sin might hold wither in the face of His glory.
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#lookingtoJesus #weeding #ponderings #Christcenteredwomanhood
“Lord, tether my dreams to reality.” This has “Lord, tether my dreams to reality.”

This has been a prayer I’ve continually lifted as of late.

I, as most do, have passions and interests that fall outside my family and home sphere. I have “one day” pursuits I feel quite strongly about. And the temptation can sometimes be to skimp in the “already here” and put my best efforts into those other desires (which are good things in-and-of themselves).

But here’s the reality: 

• I have one life to live. What I choose today matters.

• God’s priorities for me are worth pursuing with my whole heart, regardless of the messages the world (and sometimes my own heart) shouts at me. Why? Because He’s my Creator and only He gets to say what’s best for my life.

• My God-given priorities *today* include (but are not limited to) loving my husband and raising, training, teaching, loving, nurturing, and protecting five little people He’s entrusted to me. I alone have been granted the privilege of being called “Mommy” by these children, and “wife” of this precious man. Any other pursuits in this season must strengthen—not hinder—these callings. And, I might add, these 6 people are a dream come true.

• Some of those future dreams/pursuits are dependent on my faithfulness here and now. Why? Because every choice today is a seed planted, a stone laid. What will these say about me 20 years from now?

• I ultimately don’t want anything other than what God wants for me. He has the right and ability to change my course as He sees fit. If He chooses to allow those other dreams to come to fruition in His time and way I’ll be thrilled. But if He takes them away, blessed be His name. 

Tethered dreams have time to mature, deepen, be refined or even changed completely with age. Tethered dreams recognize that I can’t see the beginning from the end. Tethered dreams are safe with the One who can.

Lord, tether my dreams to reality.
Your reality.
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#lookingtoJesus #Christcenteredwomanhood
“The triangle of truisms, of father, mother and “The triangle of truisms, of father, mother and child, cannot be destroyed; it can only destroy those civilizations which disregard it.” - G. K. Chesterton

The moral fabric of our society is being shredded to pieces right before our eyes, and the attack on the family is right at the heart of it.

Is there anything more counter-cultural we can do than hold fast to God’s design for family—a husband and wife covenanting to one another until death, bearing and raising children for the glory of God? I doubt it. This seemingly simple stand is being showered with fiery darts. The enemy of our souls would like nothing more than for believers to cave to the pressures and lies of society.

But by God’s grace, we can hold fast to this now-radical, Christ-honoring view of husbands, wives, and children. It might feel insignificant at times. But I have a feeling this obedience in regard to God’s design family is accomplishing far more than we’ll ever know this side of eternity.
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#lookingtoJesus #family #husbandsandwives #children #childrenareagift
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