Heather Cofer

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For The Love of—Who?

14 Sep

I walked past the bag of trash sitting on our back deck several times that Saturday morning.

I didn’t pay it much mind since I was usually on my to accomplish another task. And admittedly, I’m not always the best at making the 75-foot trek to the side of the house where the garbage bins are anyway—I’m better at overlooking the offenses of a stinky trash bag by the back door for a little too long.
I’m working on it.

My husband, Judah, had been gone all morning for a work event, and I was beginning to count down the minutes until his return. As I paused to do a mental sweep of the checklist of items I wanted to finish before he arrived, I thought, “Judah would be so happy not to see that trash bag by the back door.” Now, Judah is in no way an overbearing, ungrateful husband—he’s very gracious with details like that, and actually takes out the trash more often than I do. However, he does really appreciate and notice when I’ve gone the extra mile in the little things. Suddenly I was fired up with motivation to take care of that bag of garbage. I lugged that bag of trash around the corner to the garbage bin, love for Judah putting a spring in my step all the way there. 

Do It For Who?

I hear it and read it almost every single day—instagram reels, product ads, memes, proclaim it loudly and proudly: 

Do it for YOU. 

Get the car. 
Go to the gym.
Take the vacation. 
Pursue the dream job.
Buy the outfit.

The motivation of putting ourselves first and foremost is touted as the highest and best kind. We’re told it will make us better people, make us happier, more fulfilled, kinder, more content. I’ve heard several times that we need to model this for our children, because they need the example of people choosing themselves first so they’ll follow suit. 

But is that really true? Is motivation of and for “self” the best and most loving kind? I beg to differ. 

The Danger of Self-Love

In 2 Timothy 3:1-9 we see a description of the difficulty the last days will hold before Jesus’ return. In verse 2 it lists a number of traits that will characterize the wicked people of that time. What’s the first trait on that list? Lovers of self. 

This should cause us as Christians to stop and repent of any ways in which we’ve fallen for the idea of self-love as the highest of virtues. It’s actually anti-Christ. If we’re true followers of Jesus we must adopt His example as the epitome of right living. 

I’ve heard some argue that in Matthew 22:39 when Jesus says, “You shall love your neighbor as yourself,” He is declaring that we first need to learn to love ourselves in order to truly love others. But after digging into this passage and consulting some other godly people on the matter I would argue that this is, rather, a statement that we ought to love others as we already do love ourselves. Think about it: we clothe ourselves, feed ourselves, we want others to value and care for us, and generally want the best for ourselves in every way. All of these—and more—are how we’re called to treat fellow image bearers.

Philippians 2:3-8 is an almost-daily conviction passage for me.

“Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied himself, by taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross.

Our motives, words, actions, and attitudes are to reflect the reality of what Jesus has done for us. He came to this earth as a servant and loved us—literally—to death so that we could be saved from a horrific eternity separated from His glorious presence. Are we supposed to respond to this by choosing ourselves? By putting ourselves first? Our answer should be a definitive, trembling, “May it not be so.”

In fact, the Bible goes so far as to say that the way we love others is indicative of our love for God. If we say we love God but neglect to love those He’s put around us we’re liars. All we need to do is read this parable in Matthew 25 to see that. 

Then the King will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world. For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me, I was naked and you clothed me, I was sick and you visited me, I was in prison and you came to me.’ Then the righteous will answer him, saying, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you drink? And when did we see you a stranger and welcome you, or naked and clothe you? And when did we see you sick or in prison and visit you?’ And the King will answer them, ‘Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to me.’” (vv. 31-40)

Then, right after this, we read that the King turns to those on his other side—who’d professed to love Him, but had not loved others well—and said, “Depart from me,” and cast them into hell (vv. 41-46)

This is serious; how and why we love matters. 

Is it wrong to do anything for ourselves?

As with all of the most intriguing lies, there’s a sliver of truth mixed in: often doing good for others will result in good for ourselves. This is what makes it so tricky. When I took the trash out for Judah I, too, enjoyed the clean deck. Or, consider the disciplines of exercise, healthy eating, or sufficient sleep—we’ll surely reap physical, mental, and emotional benefits if we practice these. It also sets a good example for those around us (like our spouse, children if we have them, and others in our sphere of influence). And, it’s not always wrong to do activities simply for enjoyment, like grabbing a yummy coffee or getting a manicure. 

Our underlying goal for anything we do should be to live in a way that brings glory to Christ. When we recognize that we belong to Him and therefore must be good stewards of our minds, bodies, and spirits, we’ll enjoy the fruit of living as God intended us to. As 1 Corinthians 10:31 says, “So, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God.”

If our motivation is ultimately love for God, we’ll care for our bodies and enjoy the common gifts of grace in such a way that doesn’t become an idolizing of self. It will be a Christ-exalting display of wise living and partaking in wholesome fun (like taking vacations or getting a new outfit) with thanksgiving and moderation as He intended us to. And, we’ll know when it’s best to forego these activities for the sake of glorifying God and loving those around us. 

However, if our ultimate motivation for any of these good things is to put ourselves first we’ll certainly get thrown off balance. We’ll begin prioritizing ourselves to the neglect of others, develop a sense of entitlement, and resent when serving and loving others gets in the way of our wants and needs. Even the good things we might do for others will stem from a prideful desire to be recognized or viewed a certain way rather than humble service regardless of who notices. Self-love will inevitably clash with loving others at some point (and usually many points) throughout our day, and it’s then that we have to choose whether we’re going to neglect others for our sake, or deny ourselves and love others for Jesus’ sake.

The Fruit of Self-Love

So, what is the true result of this “do it for you” mantra that comes at us from the world, the flesh, and the devil? 

I’ll start close to home. 

If I’d “loved myself” in my trash bag story I would’ve left that bag right there (as I have far too many times). I’ve seen self-love in my own heart come out in plenty of other ways, from grumbling when my kids wake me in the middle of the night to sulking when the budget doesn’t have room for a new pair of shoes (or going against my conscience, and buying them anyway). Self love has made me grumpy at my husband for an extra-long day at work rather than considering how I can love him when he returns. I’ve seen it come out in self-pity when I feel overlooked rather than considering how others might be in need of encouragement themselves. Is the result of any of this self-love greater affection, compassion, peace, and joy in our home? Absolutely not.

Let’s look a little further.

I recently read a devastating article by a woman who chose to leave her husband and children for the sake of loving herself. It’s not even hidden: it’s the whole point of the piece. She says,

“I loved my husband, it’s not that I didn’t. But I felt that he was standing between me and the world, between me and myself.”

This is not an isolated incident either. The amount of times I’ve read accounts of people leaving their spouses for the sake of their dream job, another person, or for any other excuse to fulfill themselves is dizzying. They’re ripping apart their families for the sake of their own personal fulfillment.

Self-love manifests itself in poor choices that lead to everything from job loss to drug addictions (because they’ve been taught to do what feels best to them). Self-love leads to fractured friendships when one party dares to challenge the other’s viewpoint, and is labeled toxic as a result (because everything becomes offensive and “unloving” that doesn’t affirm and validate the whole of someone’s ideas). It means moving from one failed romantic relationship to another (because both people want to be served, but neither are willing to serve). 

Disease, mutilation of the body, broken hearts, and disillusionment are rampant in the wake of “self-love” in regard to sexual expression. In summary, it leads to poor character, awful work ethic, laziness, selfishness, pride, bitterness, loneliness, and sorrow. Does it often feel liberating in the moment? Sure, it does. If it didn’t feel good then no one would pursue it. But its end is ultimately death: death of actual love, death of character, death of deep relationships, death of a truly fulfilling life.

We need a vision that goes far beyond ourselves in order to deny our flesh that so badly wants to be gratified in the moment. And this is where the hope of the gospel lies. Because of Jesus, we have the ability to say ‘no’ to sin and ‘yes’ to a life of true love—God’s love.

I recently heard a song—one of those with lyrics so countercultural it makes you pause. Here is one of the verses and the chorus:

I don’t want to live this life
Only for the sake of mine
Show me where my selfishness must go to die
Show me that I have enough
I don’t need to store it up
Everything I hold to tight will turn to dust

When everything’s stripped away
The only thing that remains
Is the love I gave away
The love I gave away
On my final day
All that will count as gain
Is the love I gave away
The love I gave away

[‘Show Me What it Means’ by Land of Color]

Friend, let’s not buy the self-love lie. Let’s stop listening to our faulty feelings and instead look to our perfect Savior for the key to a life of joy: selfless, radical love for others, in His name and for His glory. 

One trash bag at a time. 

Your friend,

If this post was encouraging to you, would you consider sharing it? Many thanks!

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  1. Lauren says

    September 21, 2022 at 2:50 pm

    Wow! I also have a back deck which accumulates trash bags far too often. And I regularly struggle with “self-love” when I undertake the responsibility to dispose of them.

    But it is amazing how the love of Christ compels us, and how obvious it is that this love would extend to those around us before ourselves.

    Your article was so timely, and so well-constructed. Thank you for being clear and confident in the Truth!

    Reply

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This past weekend Judah and I had the immense priv This past weekend Judah and I had the immense privilege of witnessing our five-year-old daughter surrender her life to the Lord.

God has used the salvation of my children to remind me of the Gospel that will never grow old, but that too often loses its wonder in my mind’s eye. What a gift that, in a world filled with evil and upheaval, God is quietly revealing that He is at work in the lives of those most precious to me.

I’m brought back to the reality of what Christ has done on our behalf, simple enough for a child to grasp, yet so profound we’ll never understand the half of it (at least not this side of heaven).

[Read the full post from my rejoicing heart at the link in my bio💕]
I’ve been mulling on this 👆🏻. I’m sure t I’ve been mulling on this 👆🏻. I’m sure there will be a multitude of voices today, but I’m going to chance it and add a few comments to the throng.

I’ve been seeing the argument over and over by pro-abortion advocates that we cannot be truly pro-life unless we’re personally adopting every child who is in foster care, providing childcare or tuition fees for every teen mom who chooses to keep their child, or rallying for every social cause. But this is simply not true. Can we not be against human trafficking without personally going and rescuing every single victim? Can we not think sexual assault is wrong without personally investing in every person who’s experienced it? We can and must hold fast to objective truths about right and wrong according to Scripture. When God gives us opportunities to personally give of our time, resources, and energy to love and care for those who are affected by an unexpected pregnancy—whether that’s providing diapers or adopting a child—we should wholeheartedly obey. But if what God is asking of you today is to get on your knees for those babies, mamas, and daddies who are touched by an unexpected pregnancy, remember that this is no less important. God moves when His people cry out to Him in prayer.

There is also the argument floating around that Christians talk big but act little. In other words, we aren’t actually willing to step in and help the babies we’ve wanted to protect in the womb. But if you look at the statistics that’s also false. Professing Christians are far more likely to personally invest time and resources into caring for the vulnerable than the general population (take a look at Josh Howerton’s pinned thread on Twitter as a starting place). Are there those whose lives contradict their words? Of course. God has to convict all of us of hypocrisy to one degree or another. Where we’ve failed to obey we should repent. However, we shouldn’t buy the lie that *every* Christian is failing to love the vulnerable. And, we need to remember that we’re simply responsible to do what God entrusts us with today—no more, no less. 

Lord, help your people to pray faithfully, serve faithfully, and give faithfully for your glory.
I’ll never forget a number of years ago in a her I’ll never forget a number of years ago in a hermeneutics class our teacher saying, “In Ezekiel 16, do you know what sin is listed first as reasons God destroyed Sodom? Pride.”

This struck me to the core. God had been doing a significant work in my life on this very thing. I’d grown up in a Christian home, been a rule-follower, and truly did love Jesus from a young age. That said, it was hard for me to grasp the depth of my sinfulness. I didn’t have a “past” and I’d never been a trouble-maker. But in my early 20’s I began to feel an increasing desperation to know and love Jesus more. As I pressed into Him I sensed Him speaking to my heart: 

“If you want your love for me to grow you need to see what you’ve been saved from.” 

He began exposing the depth of pride and filthy self-righteousness I’d viewed as lesser evils. It was so painful, but so freeing at the same time. I knew I was no better than those who’d committed the vilest atrocities, equally in need of the blood of Christ to “cleanse [me] from all unrighteousness” (1 John 1:9). I truly grasped the reality that not a single ounce of my own effort had contributed to my salvation. I wept over my sin and God’s mercy toward me for the first time.

So in this month that is dedicated to celebrating pride, I want to remember—remember that Jesus can transform anyone who turns to Him in repentance. Remember that Jesus “saved a wretch like me.” 
Remember that Christ gives grace to every person who humbles themselves before Him.
Remember that we are all the same at the foot of the cross.
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#lookingtoJesus #amazinggrace #pride
Our beautiful boy is 1. All the memories surround Our beautiful boy is 1. 
All the memories surrounding his birth are filling my mind and heart today.

This time last year I was in a hospital bed adjusting to the reality of our son coming a month early. I felt so weak, so weary, so unprepared to labor another child from womb to world. It looked like a C-section would be the only option after hours of unimproved heart rate dips. My midwife (whom I’d just met that day) even cried for me (how precious is that?😭). My husband and I prayed for what seemed impossible—a vaginal delivery—and in God’s mercy He chose to grant it. Although it was by far my most painful, difficult birth I was in awe that God had shown such kindness to me. I knew He saw and heard, and was glorified to answer our audacious ask. The midwife and nurse said they’d never seen a turn-around like that in all their years of practicing. 

Little buddy still needed a week in the nicu, yet the Lord revealed His gentleness at every turn—holding my tender, reeling heart in His hands. 

Then, he was home. Yet another answered prayer (they’d projected 3-4 weeks). I’ll never forget the utter joy of his siblings upon his homecoming.

God did not spare me from pain in Jack’s birth story, but instead revealed Himself faithfully and beautifully in the midst of it. When I look at Jack Lewis Cofer, I will always see a testimony of God’s lovingkindness toward me.

Happy Birthday, precious boy. You are a gift I’m unworthy, but so grateful, to steward.
Today I celebrate my dear father. To sum up what Today I celebrate my dear father.

To sum up what I’ve learned from his life would take a post much longer than the word count IG allows. But what I admire the most about him in recent years is seeing a man who consistently grows in wisdom, humility, and joy. He’s one of my favorite people in the world to have deep conversations with—encouraging me to think deeply—and pointing me back to Jesus continually. He’s lived out the declaration in Isaiah 6:8, a passage he loves: “Here I am! Send me.” No words can capture my gratitude for such a rare gift. 

I love you, Dad. Happy Father’s Day.
It’s Father’s Day. And I wholeheartedly celebr It’s Father’s Day. And I wholeheartedly celebrate the dad of our children. 
Men of integrity, faithfulness, wisdom, repentance, and holiness are few in this world. But where they are found, it is a joy to honor them. I praise God for the one found in my own home, relentlessly fighting to fix his eyes on Jesus and obey the call on his life to love, disciple, and shepherd his family.

I adore you, @judahcofer. Happy Father’s Day.
When @naomivacaro asked me about the possibility o When @naomivacaro asked me about the possibility of coming to TGCW with her (and a nearly immediate “do it” from my husband) I was thrilled. Hands down, my favorite part was the hours and hours of time with this dear friend. It was so sweet to meet *so* many Instagram faces in-person, hear lots of messages, buy books, and drink a good deal of coffee. 

Now it’s off to my husband and little people. As they say, there’s no place like home. 💕

Until next time, Indy!
Today I decided to tackle some weeding in a sorely Today I decided to tackle some weeding in a sorely neglected spot in our yard. A couple of weeks ago I noticed a little blanket of a particular weed beginning to grow, but decided to leave it to work on something else, convincing myself it could pass as nice ground-cover while I worked on “more important” projects. 

But a couple days ago I noticed it no longer passed as ground cover.😅

As I tugged at the multitude of weeds, I pondered how unassuming and rather pretty it looks when it’s small. Whimsical, white flowers bloom along it’s vine-y tendrils. But as it grows it slowly takes over everything. It wraps itself around branches and stems, making it difficult to distinguish which is which. If you take a close look at it, it’s very structure is twisted—growing to overpower and overtake.

How like sin these little weeds are—so often seeming harmless and even a delight to the eye. We let it be, thinking it can pass as part of the scenery of our lives. But it’s whole intention is to overtake. It slowly-yet-steadily wraps itself around whatever it can get ahold of, effecting every aspect of our lives. And eventually it’ll choke the life out of us.

No matter how innocent or appealing sin appears, it needs to be dealt with like these weeds: done away with. Given no room to flourish. Pulled up by the root and tossed out with the trash. The enemy of our souls wants to keep us tending these sins, or at least tolerating them. He knows that any inch we give to sin it will take a mile, keeping us from flourishing in the abundant life of Christ we’ve been given. 

Praise God for His grace that gives us the ability to say no to sin, to deal with it ruthlessly. Apart from Him we are slaves to our sin with no hope of freedom—no desire, even, for a life outside the bondage of death. What mercy, what love found in Jesus who died to free us from “the sin which clings so closely” (Hebrews 12). 

May any facade of beauty that sin might hold wither in the face of His glory.
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#lookingtoJesus #weeding #ponderings #Christcenteredwomanhood
“Lord, tether my dreams to reality.” This has “Lord, tether my dreams to reality.”

This has been a prayer I’ve continually lifted as of late.

I, as most do, have passions and interests that fall outside my family and home sphere. I have “one day” pursuits I feel quite strongly about. And the temptation can sometimes be to skimp in the “already here” and put my best efforts into those other desires (which are good things in-and-of themselves).

But here’s the reality: 

• I have one life to live. What I choose today matters.

• God’s priorities for me are worth pursuing with my whole heart, regardless of the messages the world (and sometimes my own heart) shouts at me. Why? Because He’s my Creator and only He gets to say what’s best for my life.

• My God-given priorities *today* include (but are not limited to) loving my husband and raising, training, teaching, loving, nurturing, and protecting five little people He’s entrusted to me. I alone have been granted the privilege of being called “Mommy” by these children, and “wife” of this precious man. Any other pursuits in this season must strengthen—not hinder—these callings. And, I might add, these 6 people are a dream come true.

• Some of those future dreams/pursuits are dependent on my faithfulness here and now. Why? Because every choice today is a seed planted, a stone laid. What will these say about me 20 years from now?

• I ultimately don’t want anything other than what God wants for me. He has the right and ability to change my course as He sees fit. If He chooses to allow those other dreams to come to fruition in His time and way I’ll be thrilled. But if He takes them away, blessed be His name. 

Tethered dreams have time to mature, deepen, be refined or even changed completely with age. Tethered dreams recognize that I can’t see the beginning from the end. Tethered dreams are safe with the One who can.

Lord, tether my dreams to reality.
Your reality.
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#lookingtoJesus #Christcenteredwomanhood
“The triangle of truisms, of father, mother and “The triangle of truisms, of father, mother and child, cannot be destroyed; it can only destroy those civilizations which disregard it.” - G. K. Chesterton

The moral fabric of our society is being shredded to pieces right before our eyes, and the attack on the family is right at the heart of it.

Is there anything more counter-cultural we can do than hold fast to God’s design for family—a husband and wife covenanting to one another until death, bearing and raising children for the glory of God? I doubt it. This seemingly simple stand is being showered with fiery darts. The enemy of our souls would like nothing more than for believers to cave to the pressures and lies of society.

But by God’s grace, we can hold fast to this now-radical, Christ-honoring view of husbands, wives, and children. It might feel insignificant at times. But I have a feeling this obedience in regard to God’s design family is accomplishing far more than we’ll ever know this side of eternity.
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#lookingtoJesus #family #husbandsandwives #children #childrenareagift
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