Heather Cofer

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Motherhood: A Call to Radical Selflessness

7 Nov

It was 3am.

I had already been up several times nursing our newborn when I heard my three-year-old daughter begin to sleep talk in the other room. I knew what would come next: my one-year-old daughter would be woken up by her big sister’s out loud dreaming and would begin her angry cries. This may or may not wake big brother, too, but hopefully not the baby again. 

We were several weeks into this pattern, and I was more physically, mentally, and emotionally stretched and exhausted than I had ever been. Night after night of leaping out of bed to try to calm one child before another would awake, and just about the time that would end and I finally was falling back to sleep, the baby would begin to whimper for another meal. My husband was in the midst of a very busy travel season, so much of the time he wasn’t there to help in those midnight hours.

 I truly didn’t know how long I could go on like that. But, I also knew that this was a season I was being called to by God. I knew that, yet again, He was using motherhood to strip away another layer of selfishness I hadn’t even known was there. I could either resist it and cave under the stress of it all, or I could surrender myself to the Helper, my God who promises to give me all the grace I need for every circumstance I face. 

Motherhood has been, hands down, the number one tool God has used in my life to reveal my deep-seated selfishness. Almost from the moment I conceived my firstborn, I was surrendering the rights to the way I wanted to feel and the way I wanted to look. I was saying yes to the extreme pain of labor and whatever complications that may come along with it. I was letting go of unbroken nights of sleep, and the ability to shower when I wanted, eat when I wanted, and go wherever I wanted. I was saying yes to almost constant training, clothing, feeding, and nurturing. Basically, I was saying yes to laying down my life for the sake of caring for others who could do nothing for me in return. 

Did I know this is what I was saying yes to? No, I wouldn’t have put it that way. I knew motherhood would have it’s challenges, but I truly didn’t realize just how many layers of self-centered thought processes were ingrained in me. Yes, there are incredibly beautiful aspects of motherhood. But the reality is, there’s a fight against my selfishness that tarnishes that beauty every single day.

So, I had (and still have) two choices. I can either,

1) Resent the many ways that motherhood presents the opportunity to die to self, or

2) I can embrace this as a gift from the Lord to make me more like Him.

The first option is miserable. The second brings overwhelming joy. 

We live in a world that prizes independence, self-love and exaltation, and advancement of our own agenda. Children are seen as an inconvenience… for the proof of that we need look no further than the number of abortions that happen every year. Choosing to be “just a mom” is not prized, it’s pitied. It’s no wonder so many have looked at me, a young woman who stays at home with her four children, and said, “I could never do what you’re doing.” I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve heard it. Because considering others as more important than ourselves (Phil. 2:3) is not worldly wisdom. It’s God’s wisdom. And unless we’re looking through the eyes of faith, it can’t be fully comprehended. 

As moms, we have the incredible privilege of being like Jesus by serving rather than being served. He calls us to follow His example and be His hands and feet to the least of these. This isn’t a calling we can do in our own strength. If (and when) we try, we fall flat – just trying to survive the days and arriving at the end of them exasperated, frustrated, and dreading the coming morning. But when we cling to God’s enabling, supernatural grace, we find everything we need to do what we’ve been called to do. Our bodies may be weary, but our souls will be filled with peace that surpasses all understanding. In His strength we’ll continue to persevere in our child-rearing, clinging fiercely to Him and keeping our eyes on eternity rather than the moment. When we love and serve unconditionally because we first love Jesus and simply want to please Him, the service becomes joy. 

when we cling to God’s enabling, supernatural grace, we find everything we need to do what we’ve been called to do

Too often I forget the beautiful calling of radically selfless living that I’m called to as a Christian, whether in motherhood or any other relationship. But I’m learning, by God’s grace. The eternal vision grows as I fix my eyes on Jesus day after day. He is so faithful and gracious to forgive, to remind me of His love, and give me another day to live for His glory. He comforts me in the moments of feeling defeated. He renews my vision for motherhood as I lay my burdens at His feet. He brings delight to the mundane moments, opening my eyes to see the gift of little giggles, of wobbly steps, of hair to comb and beds to make. He gives “strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow,” enabling me to look with hope and expectancy for what is to come. This is only by His grace. Selfless living can only be by His grace. But… that’s what He does. He does the impossible in and through imperfect people who surrender to Him. 

My mothering is far from perfect. But I pray it is a greater and greater reflection of Jesus through what I do right and through the many moments of repentance when I don’t. Selfless living is a privilege as believers that is hard to fully grasp the significance of. When we take on the attitude of serving rather than being served, just like our Savior, it’s a picture of the Gospel that the world can’t ignore. Some may scratch their heads or call us crazy, but some really will want what we have: they’ll want Jesus. 

Now to go kiss more squishy cheeks and fold a few more little pants with holes in the knees.

Your friend,

Previous Post: « A Note to the Single
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Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. Carol Beth Sprenger says

    November 7, 2019 at 10:31 am

    Oh, Heather! Thank you for this truthful and beautiful reminder of Christ’s call to lay down our lives and follow Him into the gift of Motherhood, with the promise of His abundant grace and strength and joy!

    Reply
    • Heather says

      November 7, 2019 at 8:34 pm

      Thank you for being such an incredible example of this, Mom! I love you dearly!

      Reply
  2. Trina Celine Cofer says

    November 7, 2019 at 2:57 pm

    I love this post Heather and I love you for living it. The central truth in this beautiful blog perfectly illustrates the often misunderstood Scripture in 1Ti 2:15 that makes the unusual statement, “she shall be saved in childbearing” … The Greek word saved is: σώζω / sōzō /sode’-zo meaning to save, deliver or protect (literally or figuratively): – heal, preserve, save (self), do well, be (make) whole. Child bearing and rearing is one of the most powerful forces in a woman’s life to refine her character and break the bondage of a self-centered life if she will simply surrender to every amazing moment and difficult burden it affords. I love you <3

    Reply
    • Heather says

      November 7, 2019 at 8:34 pm

      I so appreciate these words, Mom! Thank you for always cheering me on and encouraging me. I love you!

      Reply

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This past weekend Judah and I had the immense priv This past weekend Judah and I had the immense privilege of witnessing our five-year-old daughter surrender her life to the Lord.

God has used the salvation of my children to remind me of the Gospel that will never grow old, but that too often loses its wonder in my mind’s eye. What a gift that, in a world filled with evil and upheaval, God is quietly revealing that He is at work in the lives of those most precious to me.

I’m brought back to the reality of what Christ has done on our behalf, simple enough for a child to grasp, yet so profound we’ll never understand the half of it (at least not this side of heaven).

[Read the full post from my rejoicing heart at the link in my bio💕]
I’ve been mulling on this 👆🏻. I’m sure t I’ve been mulling on this 👆🏻. I’m sure there will be a multitude of voices today, but I’m going to chance it and add a few comments to the throng.

I’ve been seeing the argument over and over by pro-abortion advocates that we cannot be truly pro-life unless we’re personally adopting every child who is in foster care, providing childcare or tuition fees for every teen mom who chooses to keep their child, or rallying for every social cause. But this is simply not true. Can we not be against human trafficking without personally going and rescuing every single victim? Can we not think sexual assault is wrong without personally investing in every person who’s experienced it? We can and must hold fast to objective truths about right and wrong according to Scripture. When God gives us opportunities to personally give of our time, resources, and energy to love and care for those who are affected by an unexpected pregnancy—whether that’s providing diapers or adopting a child—we should wholeheartedly obey. But if what God is asking of you today is to get on your knees for those babies, mamas, and daddies who are touched by an unexpected pregnancy, remember that this is no less important. God moves when His people cry out to Him in prayer.

There is also the argument floating around that Christians talk big but act little. In other words, we aren’t actually willing to step in and help the babies we’ve wanted to protect in the womb. But if you look at the statistics that’s also false. Professing Christians are far more likely to personally invest time and resources into caring for the vulnerable than the general population (take a look at Josh Howerton’s pinned thread on Twitter as a starting place). Are there those whose lives contradict their words? Of course. God has to convict all of us of hypocrisy to one degree or another. Where we’ve failed to obey we should repent. However, we shouldn’t buy the lie that *every* Christian is failing to love the vulnerable. And, we need to remember that we’re simply responsible to do what God entrusts us with today—no more, no less. 

Lord, help your people to pray faithfully, serve faithfully, and give faithfully for your glory.
I’ll never forget a number of years ago in a her I’ll never forget a number of years ago in a hermeneutics class our teacher saying, “In Ezekiel 16, do you know what sin is listed first as reasons God destroyed Sodom? Pride.”

This struck me to the core. God had been doing a significant work in my life on this very thing. I’d grown up in a Christian home, been a rule-follower, and truly did love Jesus from a young age. That said, it was hard for me to grasp the depth of my sinfulness. I didn’t have a “past” and I’d never been a trouble-maker. But in my early 20’s I began to feel an increasing desperation to know and love Jesus more. As I pressed into Him I sensed Him speaking to my heart: 

“If you want your love for me to grow you need to see what you’ve been saved from.” 

He began exposing the depth of pride and filthy self-righteousness I’d viewed as lesser evils. It was so painful, but so freeing at the same time. I knew I was no better than those who’d committed the vilest atrocities, equally in need of the blood of Christ to “cleanse [me] from all unrighteousness” (1 John 1:9). I truly grasped the reality that not a single ounce of my own effort had contributed to my salvation. I wept over my sin and God’s mercy toward me for the first time.

So in this month that is dedicated to celebrating pride, I want to remember—remember that Jesus can transform anyone who turns to Him in repentance. Remember that Jesus “saved a wretch like me.” 
Remember that Christ gives grace to every person who humbles themselves before Him.
Remember that we are all the same at the foot of the cross.
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#lookingtoJesus #amazinggrace #pride
Our beautiful boy is 1. All the memories surround Our beautiful boy is 1. 
All the memories surrounding his birth are filling my mind and heart today.

This time last year I was in a hospital bed adjusting to the reality of our son coming a month early. I felt so weak, so weary, so unprepared to labor another child from womb to world. It looked like a C-section would be the only option after hours of unimproved heart rate dips. My midwife (whom I’d just met that day) even cried for me (how precious is that?😭). My husband and I prayed for what seemed impossible—a vaginal delivery—and in God’s mercy He chose to grant it. Although it was by far my most painful, difficult birth I was in awe that God had shown such kindness to me. I knew He saw and heard, and was glorified to answer our audacious ask. The midwife and nurse said they’d never seen a turn-around like that in all their years of practicing. 

Little buddy still needed a week in the nicu, yet the Lord revealed His gentleness at every turn—holding my tender, reeling heart in His hands. 

Then, he was home. Yet another answered prayer (they’d projected 3-4 weeks). I’ll never forget the utter joy of his siblings upon his homecoming.

God did not spare me from pain in Jack’s birth story, but instead revealed Himself faithfully and beautifully in the midst of it. When I look at Jack Lewis Cofer, I will always see a testimony of God’s lovingkindness toward me.

Happy Birthday, precious boy. You are a gift I’m unworthy, but so grateful, to steward.
Today I celebrate my dear father. To sum up what Today I celebrate my dear father.

To sum up what I’ve learned from his life would take a post much longer than the word count IG allows. But what I admire the most about him in recent years is seeing a man who consistently grows in wisdom, humility, and joy. He’s one of my favorite people in the world to have deep conversations with—encouraging me to think deeply—and pointing me back to Jesus continually. He’s lived out the declaration in Isaiah 6:8, a passage he loves: “Here I am! Send me.” No words can capture my gratitude for such a rare gift. 

I love you, Dad. Happy Father’s Day.
It’s Father’s Day. And I wholeheartedly celebr It’s Father’s Day. And I wholeheartedly celebrate the dad of our children. 
Men of integrity, faithfulness, wisdom, repentance, and holiness are few in this world. But where they are found, it is a joy to honor them. I praise God for the one found in my own home, relentlessly fighting to fix his eyes on Jesus and obey the call on his life to love, disciple, and shepherd his family.

I adore you, @judahcofer. Happy Father’s Day.
When @naomivacaro asked me about the possibility o When @naomivacaro asked me about the possibility of coming to TGCW with her (and a nearly immediate “do it” from my husband) I was thrilled. Hands down, my favorite part was the hours and hours of time with this dear friend. It was so sweet to meet *so* many Instagram faces in-person, hear lots of messages, buy books, and drink a good deal of coffee. 

Now it’s off to my husband and little people. As they say, there’s no place like home. 💕

Until next time, Indy!
Today I decided to tackle some weeding in a sorely Today I decided to tackle some weeding in a sorely neglected spot in our yard. A couple of weeks ago I noticed a little blanket of a particular weed beginning to grow, but decided to leave it to work on something else, convincing myself it could pass as nice ground-cover while I worked on “more important” projects. 

But a couple days ago I noticed it no longer passed as ground cover.😅

As I tugged at the multitude of weeds, I pondered how unassuming and rather pretty it looks when it’s small. Whimsical, white flowers bloom along it’s vine-y tendrils. But as it grows it slowly takes over everything. It wraps itself around branches and stems, making it difficult to distinguish which is which. If you take a close look at it, it’s very structure is twisted—growing to overpower and overtake.

How like sin these little weeds are—so often seeming harmless and even a delight to the eye. We let it be, thinking it can pass as part of the scenery of our lives. But it’s whole intention is to overtake. It slowly-yet-steadily wraps itself around whatever it can get ahold of, effecting every aspect of our lives. And eventually it’ll choke the life out of us.

No matter how innocent or appealing sin appears, it needs to be dealt with like these weeds: done away with. Given no room to flourish. Pulled up by the root and tossed out with the trash. The enemy of our souls wants to keep us tending these sins, or at least tolerating them. He knows that any inch we give to sin it will take a mile, keeping us from flourishing in the abundant life of Christ we’ve been given. 

Praise God for His grace that gives us the ability to say no to sin, to deal with it ruthlessly. Apart from Him we are slaves to our sin with no hope of freedom—no desire, even, for a life outside the bondage of death. What mercy, what love found in Jesus who died to free us from “the sin which clings so closely” (Hebrews 12). 

May any facade of beauty that sin might hold wither in the face of His glory.
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#lookingtoJesus #weeding #ponderings #Christcenteredwomanhood
“Lord, tether my dreams to reality.” This has “Lord, tether my dreams to reality.”

This has been a prayer I’ve continually lifted as of late.

I, as most do, have passions and interests that fall outside my family and home sphere. I have “one day” pursuits I feel quite strongly about. And the temptation can sometimes be to skimp in the “already here” and put my best efforts into those other desires (which are good things in-and-of themselves).

But here’s the reality: 

• I have one life to live. What I choose today matters.

• God’s priorities for me are worth pursuing with my whole heart, regardless of the messages the world (and sometimes my own heart) shouts at me. Why? Because He’s my Creator and only He gets to say what’s best for my life.

• My God-given priorities *today* include (but are not limited to) loving my husband and raising, training, teaching, loving, nurturing, and protecting five little people He’s entrusted to me. I alone have been granted the privilege of being called “Mommy” by these children, and “wife” of this precious man. Any other pursuits in this season must strengthen—not hinder—these callings. And, I might add, these 6 people are a dream come true.

• Some of those future dreams/pursuits are dependent on my faithfulness here and now. Why? Because every choice today is a seed planted, a stone laid. What will these say about me 20 years from now?

• I ultimately don’t want anything other than what God wants for me. He has the right and ability to change my course as He sees fit. If He chooses to allow those other dreams to come to fruition in His time and way I’ll be thrilled. But if He takes them away, blessed be His name. 

Tethered dreams have time to mature, deepen, be refined or even changed completely with age. Tethered dreams recognize that I can’t see the beginning from the end. Tethered dreams are safe with the One who can.

Lord, tether my dreams to reality.
Your reality.
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#lookingtoJesus #Christcenteredwomanhood
“The triangle of truisms, of father, mother and “The triangle of truisms, of father, mother and child, cannot be destroyed; it can only destroy those civilizations which disregard it.” - G. K. Chesterton

The moral fabric of our society is being shredded to pieces right before our eyes, and the attack on the family is right at the heart of it.

Is there anything more counter-cultural we can do than hold fast to God’s design for family—a husband and wife covenanting to one another until death, bearing and raising children for the glory of God? I doubt it. This seemingly simple stand is being showered with fiery darts. The enemy of our souls would like nothing more than for believers to cave to the pressures and lies of society.

But by God’s grace, we can hold fast to this now-radical, Christ-honoring view of husbands, wives, and children. It might feel insignificant at times. But I have a feeling this obedience in regard to God’s design family is accomplishing far more than we’ll ever know this side of eternity.
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#lookingtoJesus #family #husbandsandwives #children #childrenareagift
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